Category Archives: ask dena

thoughts on weight gain in pregnancy

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Throughout my pregnancy, several women (both pregnant + not pregnant) gave me advice or asked for advice about pregnancy weight gain. For some women, it was about their discomfort with their pregnant bodies, sadness or embarrassment about “getting fat.” For other women, it was about health, making certain to eat all of the right things + work out religiously. I was blessed to hear so many viewpoints, so I thought I’d take a few moments to share my own.

First of all, all pregnant women (like all women in general!) are hard on themselves at times. “I could be eating better.” “I could be exercising more.” “Holy hell, look at my belly.” Etc, etc. I think it’s natural, but I also think that it should have limits.

I had prenatal depression during my first trimester. It was severe. In fact, it was some of the worst depression I’ve faced in my life. I remember when the midwife that I was seeing at that time told me I would very likely gain back all of the 65 pounds that I had lost seven years ago. I was already depressed, and then, that crushed me. I ended up going to another group later, for different reasons, but my new doctors told me that I should gain about 35 pounds like the average pregnant woman. I guess that made me feel a little better… but the whole thing was still scary/upsetting.

In the end, I gained exactly 50 pounds during my pregnancy. Early in my second trimester, my hormones balanced out and my prenatal depression went away. With that, my concerns about weight gain went away, too. I began to embrace my expanding body and enjoy the miracle of pregnancy. I steadily gained weight, about a pound a week and then a little more than that in my third trimester. After I hit 35 pounds, my doctors started telling me to watch what I ate and get more exercise. I started to become more thoughtful of my food choices. I cut out my weekly hot fudge sundaes. I should have been exercising, but it was difficult with a stressful job. I let the pregnancy exhaustion get the better of me.

However, the bottom line is that I never got too worried about it. The entire experience was such a joyful miracle and I embraced every part of it — from the horrendous heartburn, to the back aches, to the joy, to the tears, to the weight gain — all of it.

Losing weight postpartum has come naturally so far. I’ve lost 30 pounds without much effort. Breastfeeding has probably helped. I imagine that losing the last 20 will be more difficult, but I also know that it’s entirely possible. I lost 70 pounds total at one point when I was at my fittest. If I can do that, I know that I can lose this 20! It will take work + dedication but for my beautiful baby, I’ll pay that anytime. I have seen so many women struggle with losing weight after baby and that scares the hell out of me, but at the same time, I also feel like weight loss is weight loss. You have to burn more calories than you consume, it’s not rocket science — even though it took me a lifetime to learn!!

To women that are struggling with weight gain during pregnancy, my advice is to focus on enjoying the miracle unfolding within you. Be reasonable with your food choices and exercise when/if you can, but don’t obsess. After baby comes then start to worry about it all again. In the meantime, fall in love with your body exactly as it is now. It is the miracle vessel that is GROWING A LIFE INSIDE OF YOU.

You’ve got to find the strength + wisdom in yourself to believe that everything I am saying is true — because it is.

Mother’s Day Gift Guide

SWAN Saturday: Positive Influences

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SWAN (Stop Wasting Away Now) Saturday is a weekly dose of inspiration from me to you. Each week I will make a short video post about something on my mind. The posts will be unscripted & shot straight from my soul. Stop wasting away now, life’s too short!

If you have trouble viewing the video, click here.

This week I asked my Twitter & Facebook communities what they’d like me to discuss in this post. My friend Josh responded, “I’d like to know about the characteristics that you look for in the people you surround yourself with.” This was a great suggestion because I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately. I’ve written recently how I’ve been busy with more blogging, speaking, and life coaching. As I’ve gotten busier I’ve found that I’ve had to make some sacrifices in terms of how I spend my time and who I spend my time with. The busier I get, the more valuable my time becomes.

The reality is that most people are busy and it’s important that we make conscious decisions about how we spend our time. We need to focus on surrounding ourselves with people who will help us to accomplish our goals. When we’re looking for people who will help us accomplish goals, we have to look for certain characteristics.

In my experience, the people who have been there to help me along my path are positive people. I work to surround myself with people who tell me when I need to step things up or when I need to slow things down. I look for people who are willing to give me honest feedback & constructive criticism. Without that feedback, how can I improve myself as a person? I also look for people that have a really good, positive energy.

I’ve had a few negative experiences lately where I’ve been surrounded by negative, unsupportive people. With these people it seems that every time we talk or get together it’s about their problems & miseries. I’m all for being there for a friend in need, but there are some people who are consistently negative & never have anything good to say. These people are uninterested in my personal journey. That type of relationship is not for me. Sometimes it’s difficult to make hard decision and cut out negative influences, but its absolutely necessary. Negative people will suck the energy right out of us—not only with their words, but also with their actions.

It is important that we take a look at how our friends, acquaintances, and colleagues spend their time. It is a proven fact that we tend to succeed at a similar pace to the people around us. In the same token, we also tend to fail at a similar place to the people around us. It is critical to our individual success that we seriously look at our surroundings. We need to determine what it is that we really want in our own lives. Then, we can build a community around us of like-minded individuals who have similar goals to our own.

It’s not always easy. It has been historically difficult to do this. if you live in small town like I do, it can be especially difficult; but today we’re lucky. Technology enables us to make connections with people who we would have previously never been able to connect with. I recently wrote about Twitter and how it is an incredibly powerful tool for self improvement and relationship-building. The Internet gives us a unique ability to meet like-minded folks who are passionate about our journeys and who will help us achieve our goals. Take advantage of it.

In-person connections are equally as important. When you are spending in-person time with a friend or group of friends, make sure that you’re surrounding yourself with positivity, light, and love. That might mean getting on a site like Meetup.com and searching for groups in your area about topics that interest you. I recently joined the North Jersey Adventurers Group because I want to do more hiking, camping, & adventuring this year! There are groups out there for just about everything.

Volunteering is another awesome way to meet positive, like-minded people. When you meet fellow volunteers, you’ll already have something in common. Whether you’re volunteering at an animal shelter or a soup kitchen, you’re bound to make great connections with positive people. Think outside of the box.

Surrounding yourself with positivity is not always easy but it’s incredibly worthwhile. As you start to change the people that you surround yourself with, you will find that your entire existence transforms for the better.

I’d love to know what you think about the idea of surrounding yourself with positivity. Let us know what characteristics that you look for when choosing friends and acquaintances.

Thanks so much for tuning in. See you guys next time!

In love & light,
Dena

Ask Dena: Should We Stay Together for the Kids?

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Dear Dena,

Should I stay with my husband and be miserable to make my kids happy?

—Lisa

Dear Lisa,

Doctors, psychologists, and professionals are split down the middle on this issue. Half believe that divorce is the healthier option for families. The other half believe that even rocky marriages nourish children emotionally & practically. Personally, I don’t favor either side. Every situation is different and every family is different. For some, divorce is the best option. For others, staying together makes sense. There are too many variables to consider to make it a black and white issue.

There is one exception and that is physical abuse. In the case of physical abuse, get out as fast as you can. Nothing good will come of it—not for you or your children.

First, let’s talk about why people choose to stay together. Children from divorced families suffer emotional trauma, especially when the divorce is “messy”. Fear of abandonment & loss are common among these children. Bursts of bitterness, jealousy, and doubt often send these children into therapy. Research tells us that children of divorce suffer more often from depression and learning disabilities than those of intact families. These are just a few reasons as to why married couples choose to stay together for the kids.

However, it is important to note that divorce has its most harmful and profound effects on younger children. After age 18, children are better able to cope with the trauma of divorce. By that age, children have formed many of their own developmental beliefs about marriage, relationships, and family. So in your case, it may be important to consider the ages of your children.

On the other hand, many couples decide that divorce is the best option, despite the impact that it may have on children. The fact is that for many couples, staying together for the kids makes things worse instead of better. When a couple forces itself to stay in an unhappy & unhealthy situation, people are pushed into affairs, resentment builds, and everyone suffers. The problem festers and eventually, many couples end up getting divorced anyway.

The bottom line is that right now, you are staying in your marriage because you want to be a good parent. You should ask yourself a couple of critical questions:

Will staying in this crumbling marriage make you a better parent?
Are you doing more good or harm to your children and yourself by staying in this marriage?

If you are truly enduring misery, you are sending a clear message to your children: “I don’t deserve to be happy.” If you are putting up with abuse, you are sending a clear message to your children: “Don’t rock the boat. Endure abuse from others at all costs.”

Take some time to think about all of these things before you make your decision. Think about the legacy that you want to leave with your children when you are gone. Do you want them to remember a “normal” life with a mother & a father (even if their parents were miserable)? Or, do you want them to live through the trauma of divorce & remember a strong mother, who took her life into her own hands in order to live a life of true happiness?

These pains that you feel are messengers, listen to them. Turn them to sweetness. —Rumi

Both options are admirable. Choosing to stay together for the sake of your family is an incredible act of generosity & love. At the same time, taking a chance & pursuing a life of true happiness is also a brave act of love. Only you can decide what your legacy will be.

I am sending you love, strength, & courage! You will make the right decision.

In love & light,
Dena