Happy New Year, Welcome 2014!

Last night, as I was sleeping, I dreamt that I had a beehive here inside my heart.
And the golden bees were making white combs and sweet honey from my old failures.
—Antonio Machado

I’ve heard it said that what you are doing at midnight on New Year’s Eve, will be an indicator of how you will spend the rest of the year. 9:30 PM is my bedtime and it’s rare that I stay awake past 11, even on special occasions. New Year’s Eve is no exception. I prefer to believe that the days leading up to the New Year — and more importantly the intentions in our hearts — are the best indicator of how we will spend the rest of the year. I spent New Year’s Day and the surrounding days with close family & friends. I spent a lot of time reflecting on 2013. I also spent a lot of time (desperately) trying to figure out what I want 2014 to be. I think I’ve finally got it figured out.

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In one enormous way, 2013 was the best year of my life — Roman was born and there is simply nothing better. I don’t say this flippantly, I mean it with my entire self: Becoming a mother really is the best thing that has ever happened to me. It is something that I dreamed about my entire life. It meant more to me than anything else in the world. It was my greatest wish. For the past several years, I put it before everything else. Nothing else mattered to me more than having a baby — no relationship, no career, nothing. I know that it sounds extreme, but it is the truth. I wanted to become a mother more than anything and I made a decision to do so at whatever cost. In the end, there was no great expense to be paid. My husband was willing. My family was supportive. We conceived without effort. I did end up leaving my job, but in hindsight, I realize that that was something that needed to happen anyway. (I don’t think that I will ever work in an office again, but that’s a story for another day.)

I share all of this now because, when I look back on 2013, I always want to remember how incredible it was and how grateful I am to have my baby boy. That said, the year was also difficult. I have failed in many ways.

I have spent far too much time allowing people, things, and events to drag me down. I spent too much time worrying. I spent too much energy on things that I have no control over. My kindness became weakness. My compassion and empathy became pain.

I stopped taking care of myself in an effort to take care of others. As a result, I was not my best self.

In 2014, I am going to turn my focus inward. I am going to make all of my “good intentions” (that never seem to happen) my reality. It’s not about setting resolutions. It’s about fundamentally shifting my mindset (once again); focusing all of my energy into myself; living my values; and blossoming. Then, I will be my best self. Then, I can take care of others with a full heart, unburdened by worry, insecurity, and sadness. I have been carrying a lot of weight on my shoulders. I’ve been emotionally and spiritually tired. This year, I will shed all of that and reconnect with the beautiful, divine lightness of being.

I intend to spend more time listening to and caring for my body. I intend to deliberately quiet my mind. I intend to stop worrying about what was and what will be. I intend to be present. I intend to spend more time in and connected to nature. I intend to travel. I intend to practice reckless, wild, passionate kindness — to myself.

Welcome 2014. I’ve been waiting for you with open arms. Let’s make magic.

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The photographs in this post were taken at the annual New Year’s Day party at my uncle’s house. Every year they throw the most beautiful, delicious celebration and feast that one could possibly dream up. I am truly grateful to have such a warm, loving and generous family.

Happy New Year, dear friends. I hope that 2014 brings you every joy & sweetness. xo