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“Nothing you become will disappoint me; I have no preconception that I’d like to see you be or do. I have no desire to foresee you, only to discover you. You can’t disappoint me.” —Mary Haskell

I always knew that I wanted to be a mother. In fact, I wanted it more than anything else. All my life, I wanted a little baby to call my own. The ancient, maternal instinct was strong within me and grew and grew with time. In my heart there was never anything else more important than this, than to one day, be a mama. There were times when I’d worry that it might not happen but then, I always find something to worry about, that’s just me. Deep down, I knew someday I would be. And then one day, last September I felt this magical little stir deep down in my belly, like a little flutter of tiny moth wings. I would only have been a couple of weeks or so pregnant by then — but I just knew. The sweet, cherub-faced little baby that I’d been dreaming of all of my life was coming together — inside of me.

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On May seventh, my little boy came rushing out of my body. Oh, I knew him so well already. The nine beautiful months I had spent growing him up, talking to him, telling him stories on my morning rides into work, holding him in my hands there within my belly, always loving, cherishing the way that he would kick or rub through my skin against my palms. And then, on May seventh, there he was, my heart outside of my body. He came roaring into that room, a mess of wet curls, the sweetest cry like heaven, like the sea. My little Roman James how I loved him, how I love him, how I will always, always love him. He is my little chubby baby with the brightest blue eyes like a summer morning and perfect pink lips like little apple blossom petals. I love every cell of him, every fiber of him, an all-encompassing love the likes of which — even though I always hoped for it — I could never have imagined. My precious boy, my baby, my life.

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You are my everything, my always, my wild, my calm, my sweet baby, Roman James.

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Recently I made the decision not to return to work. It wasn’t an easy decision, we’ll have to make some concessions and adjust to living on one salary, but money never mattered too much to us anyway, nor material things. We’ve only ever needed love & health. Knowing that I get to spend all of my days devoted entirely to mothering brings me such indescribable joy. I am infinitely grateful.

3 thoughts on “On Motherhood & Not Returning to Work”

  1. What a beautiful quote. And I commend your decision to stay home, the world would be a better place if all mamas/papas could do the same (in my opinion). I have so thankfully been able to spend the summer home with my daughter (15 1/2 months). I stayed home with her after birth for a little over 4 months and then she was off to my mom’s 4 days a week, which turned into 3 days a week (the rest of days, she was home). Grandma is the next best thing next to…well, ME. I’ve been busting my butt (and so has the husband) to make more money so that I can stay home. We’re reaching our goal, I’m only returning to work next month for 15 hours a week. You are very fortunate to be home with your pride and joy. Take as much pleasure in these days as you can, they’re so precious and fly by in the wink of an eye.

    1. Thank you! How wonderful that you’ve been able to spend the summer with your little one. It is such a special gift and I count my blessings every single day. I couldn’t agree more — Grandma’s are the next best thing for sure! 😉 I’m so pleased to meet you & excited to go check out your blog now. xo

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