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How deep they drove themselves into me, the things it was impossible to say aloud. —Sylvia Plath

The first trimester of my pregnancy was really hard. When I chose to get pregnant, I expected certain things. I expected the miracle, the joy, the anticipation. I also expected the challenges, but… I wasn’t prepared.

For four months, it felt like my body had betrayed me. It wasn’t the morning sickness and moodiness that I had prepared for. Instead, it was―what felt like―physical devastation.

For four months, I was constantly exhausted, constantly nauseous, and constantly sad. There was no pregnant glow. There was only darkness.

Worst of all, whatever gratitude and excitement that I did feel, was completely overshadowed by the physical and emotional pain. My inability to be grateful, in turn, made me feel even worse. It was a vicious cycle. I had unconsciously slipped into prenatal depression.

Postpartum depression is common. I had considered that, but prenatal depression? I’d never even heard of it, let alone prepared for it. I am passed it now, but my doctors say that because of my history of depression, I am at high-risk for postpartum, too. I believe that I am better prepared for it and I hope that is true. The prenatal depression was difficult. The old, familiar pain of depression and anxiety were suffocating. Some days I wondered if I would ever get through it. The important thing, though, is that I made it.

Now that I am healthy and present again I am finally enjoying the full, radiant miracle of my pregnancy. I am finally glowing, and having come through the darkness, everything is all the brighter on this side.

2 thoughts on “Prenatal Depression”

  1. Very sorry to hear your first four months were so difficult, one never knows exactly what will happen. Very happy that you are now past that situation and looking forward to your baby boy. Hope all continues well for your whole family.

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