Prenatal Depression

How deep they drove themselves into me, the things it was impossible to say aloud. —Sylvia Plath

The first trimester of my pregnancy was really hard. When I chose to get pregnant, I expected certain things. I expected the miracle, the joy, the anticipation. I also expected the challenges, but… I wasn’t prepared.

For four months, it felt like my body had betrayed me. It wasn’t the morning sickness and moodiness that I had prepared for. Instead, it was―what felt like―physical devastation.

For four months, I was constantly exhausted, constantly nauseous, and constantly sad. There was no pregnant glow. There was only darkness.

Worst of all, whatever gratitude and excitement that I did feel, was completely overshadowed by the physical and emotional pain. My inability to be grateful, in turn, made me feel even worse. It was a vicious cycle. I had unconsciously slipped into prenatal depression.

Postpartum depression is common. I had considered that, but prenatal depression? I’d never even heard of it, let alone prepared for it. I am passed it now, but my doctors say that because of my history of depression, I am at high-risk for postpartum, too. I believe that I am better prepared for it and I hope that is true. The prenatal depression was difficult. The old, familiar pain of depression and anxiety were suffocating. Some days I wondered if I would ever get through it. The important thing, though, is that I made it.

Now that I am healthy and present again I am finally enjoying the full, radiant miracle of my pregnancy. I am finally glowing, and having come through the darkness, everything is all the brighter on this side.