Roman James at 4 Years + 5 Months

When I was young, my mother always cried at my concerts, plays, graduation ceremonies, and so on. I’ve always been incredibly empathic. Even as a child, I had some understanding that my mother was crying because she was proud of me and because she loved me. However it wouldn’t be until many years later, until very recently in fact, that I understood the extent of the emotions that moved my mother to tears.

The emotions of motherhood–the unconditional love, the overwhelming desire to protect and nurture–all of these things were instant for me. I formed a maternal bond with my babies from the very instant that I knew they were growing inside of me. I loved them from the very moment that they came to exist, perhaps even before that because I spent a lifetime dreaming of them.

Still, something different has been happening recently. Roman is changing in a way that he hasn’t done before. He is becoming his own person.

Of course our children are born with their own unique personality traits, but this is not that. It’s more than that. It’s like his mind and his heart are wrapping themselves around every single life experience that he has had thus far — and he’s beginning to make sense of it. He makes statements and asks questions and forms relationships that all indicate to me that he is having a personal renaissance. His mind is expanding and the little walls that have enclosed his world so far are coming down. He is seeing passed what he has known and looking out into what is possible beyond that.

It is a beautiful and humbling thing to witness. It is at once, so gratifying to see my baby boy growing, and at the same time absolutely heartbreaking to know that with every step, he is one step closer to leaving the safety of my arms and heading out into the great big world on his own. Next September he starts kindergarten. Even though it’s eleven months away, I am already bracing myself for the blow that it will be to my heart.

It took me some twenty-plus years, but yes, I finally realize why my mother always cried at those events. It’s that feeling of watching your child soar and knowing that your heart is breaking–while at the very same time–it is the most beautiful thing you have ever witnessed.

I love you Roman James, more than I can ever say, more than you will ever know. You are the answer to every prayer that I have ever whispered.