Throw Away ‘The Golden Rule’

“Treat others the way that you would like to be treated.” You’ve heard it all your life. From the time you were old enough to understand, your parents advised you of the golden rule. Today, I’m asking you to forget it. It’s terrible advice! Treating others the way that you want to be treated was probably responsible for every failed relationship that you’ve ever had.

Here is the problem: NOT EVERYONE WANTS TO BE TREATED THE WAY THAT YOU WANT TO BE TREATED.

I hope that you just had a light bulb moment. When I realized this, I know I sure did. I realized it for the first time during a training seminar. It was a course for first-time supervisors. We were talking about what drives people toward success or what “motivates” people to be their best selves, to perform optimally. The instructor gave us a quiz that we could share with our employees. It asks them to rate potential motivators from least to most important using a scale from 1 – 10, 1 being the most important and 10 being the least important. The motivators included things like money, freedom, creativity, public recognition, and so on. The thought behind the test being that every person is motivated by something different. For one person, the way to get them to perform might be regular salary increases. Other people don’t care as much about compensation as they do about public recognition or the ability to be creative.

I thought about this for a minute and then it really clicked. I had been attempting to motivate my employees with motivators that motivated me. It stretched far beyond that, too. For my entire life, I had been treating people the way that I wanted to be treated. I never stopped to consider that perhaps this person does not want what I want. Perhaps he or she wants what he or she wants. I realized that the golden rule is a sham.

It wasn’t long before I began to take my new perspective and apply it to all of my relationships. Rather than treating my mother the way that she wanted to be treated, I had been treating her the way that I wanted to be treated. Rather than treating my friends the way that they wanted to be treated, I had been treating them the way that I wanted to be treated. And perhaps, most importantly, rather than treating my partner the way that he wanted to be treated, I had been treating him the way that I wanted to be treated. I say that this is most important because it had the most dire consequences. And I’m certain that if you think about it, you will relate.

Romantic relationships, while often the most rewarding, can also be the most difficult to manage. One of the biggest reasons why divorce is so common is because people do not get this simple idea. We must take the time and effort to learn how our partners want to be treated. To illustrate why this is so important, let me share an example from my own life.

Matthew and I have a lot in common. That is why we have been together for five years and why we are getting married in June. However, we are also different in many ways. Perhaps the thing that makes us most different is the way that we handle conflict. I am a talker, a thinker, and a cuddler. When I am angry or hurt or sad, I want Matthew to be there for me in every way. I want to talk things out. I want to be held. I want sympathy. We have come to the conclusion that I am almost like a child in this sense. I long to be “babied.” Matthew, on the other hand, is the polar opposite. When conflict arises, he immediately longs for solitude. He shuts up and shuts down. He wants to be left alone.

Now imagine what happened for the first couple of years of our relationship when Matthew got angry and I started to treat him the way that I wanted to be treated (like a baby!). Not surprisingly it didn’t go over very well! We played this horrible dance for years.

It’s alright to treat people the way that you want to be treated, but only if that is the way that they want to be treated, too. In our case, when it came to conflict, each of us wanted to be treated in very different ways. It took awhile for us to figure this out; but when we did, the reward was tremendous. Like all couples, we still struggle through it. Sometimes, it’s difficult. For example, when conflict arises and I want to talk it out, I have to be extremely vigilant to make sure that I give Matthew the time and space that he needs. And likewise, when I am hurt, he has to be very aware to make sure that he gives me the attention and nurturing that I am seeking. These behaviors go against our natural inclinations because they are not the behaviors that we would seek for ourselves, but making the extra effort pays off big time.

This principle can be applied to any relationship–whether personal, professional, or whatever have you. I know that many people live by the golden rule. Maybe you don’t need to throw it out completely, but if you can make a small adjustment, it may just prove to enhance every relationship that you’ll ever have.

In love & light,
Dena