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Throw Away ‘The Golden Rule’

evolutionyou.net | Raccoon Family“Treat others the way that you would like to be treated.” You’ve heard it all your life. From the time you were old enough to understand, your parents advised you of the golden rule. Today, I’m asking you to forget it. It’s terrible advice! Treating others the way that you want to be treated was probably responsible for every failed relationship that you’ve ever had.

Here is the problem: NOT EVERYONE WANTS TO BE TREATED THE WAY THAT YOU WANT TO BE TREATED.


I hope that you just had a light bulb moment. When I realized this, I know I sure did. I realized it for the first time during a training seminar. It was a course for first-time supervisors. We were talking about what drives people toward success or what “motivates” people to be their best selves, to perform optimally. The instructor gave us a quiz that we could share with our employees. It asks them to rate potential motivators from least to most important using a scale from 1 – 10, 1 being the most important and 10 being the least important. The motivators included things like money, freedom, creativity, public recognition, and so on. The thought behind the test being that every person is motivated by something different. For one person, the way to get them to perform might be regular salary increases. Other people don’t care as much about compensation as they do about public recognition or the ability to be creative.

I thought about this for a minute and then it really clicked. I had been attempting to motivate my employees with motivators that motivated me. It stretched far beyond that, too. For my entire life, I had been treating people the way that I wanted to be treated. I never stopped to consider that perhaps this person does not want what I want. Perhaps he or she wants what he or she wants. I realized that the golden rule is a sham.


It wasn’t long before I began to take my new perspective and apply it to all of my relationships. Rather than treating my mother the way that she wanted to be treated, I had been treating her the way that I wanted to be treated. Rather than treating my friends the way that they wanted to be treated, I had been treating them the way that I wanted to be treated. And perhaps, most importantly, rather than treating my partner the way that he wanted to be treated, I had been treating him the way that I wanted to be treated. I say that this is most important because it had the most dire consequences. And I’m certain that if you think about it, you will relate.

Romantic relationships, while often the most rewarding, can also be the most difficult to manage. One of the biggest reasons why divorce is so common is because people do not get this simple idea. We must take the time and effort to learn how our partners want to be treated. To illustrate why this is so important, let me share an example from my own life.

Matthew and I have a lot in common. That is why we have been together for five years and why we are getting married in June. However, we are also different in many ways. Perhaps the thing that makes us most different is the way that we handle conflict. I am a talker, a thinker, and a cuddler. When I am angry or hurt or sad, I want Matthew to be there for me in every way. I want to talk things out. I want to be held. I want sympathy. We have come to the conclusion that I am almost like a child in this sense. I long to be “babied.” Matthew, on the other hand, is the polar opposite. When conflict arises, he immediately longs for solitude. He shuts up and shuts down. He wants to be left alone.

Now imagine what happened for the first couple of years of our relationship when Matthew got angry and I started to treat him the way that I wanted to be treated (like a baby!). Not surprisingly it didn’t go over very well! We played this horrible dance for years.

It’s alright to treat people the way that you want to be treated, but only if that is the way that they want to be treated, too. In our case, when it came to conflict, each of us wanted to be treated in very different ways. It took awhile for us to figure this out; but when we did, the reward was tremendous. Like all couples, we still struggle through it. Sometimes, it’s difficult. For example, when conflict arises and I want to talk it out, I have to be extremely vigilant to make sure that I give Matthew the time and space that he needs. And likewise, when I am hurt, he has to be very aware to make sure that he gives me the attention and nurturing that I am seeking. These behaviors go against our natural inclinations because they are not the behaviors that we would seek for ourselves, but making the extra effort pays off big time.


This principle can be applied to any relationship–whether personal, professional, or whatever have you. I know that many people live by the golden rule. Maybe you don’t need to throw it out completely, but if you can make a small adjustment, it may just prove to enhance every relationship that you’ll ever have.

In love & light,
Dena

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    3 Simple Changes That Will Save Your Life

    This post could save your life. These 3 simple lifestyle changes saved mine. Today I am going to simply share facts with you. These facts (if you let them) will dramatically improve your quality of life. Making these changes can even increase your life span.

    1. Stop Smoking

    FACTS: According to the American Heart Association, cigarette smoking is the most important preventable cause of premature death in the United States, accounting for 440,000 of the more than 2.4 million annual deaths.

    Cigarette smoking causes lung cancer. In fact, smoking tobacco is the major risk factor for lung cancer. In the United States, about 90% of lung cancer deaths in men and almost 80% of lung cancer deaths in women are due to smoking. People who smoke are 10 to 20 times more likely to get lung cancer or die from lung cancer than people who do not smoke. The longer a person smokes and the more cigarettes smoked each day, the more risk goes up.

    Smoking also causes cancer of the voice box (larynx), mouth and throat, esophagus, bladder, kidney, pancreas, cervix, and stomach, and causes acute myeloid leukemia. Source.

    FACTS: One year after passing smoking bans, communities in North America and Europe had 17 percent fewer heart attacks compared to communities without smoking restrictions, and the number of heart attacks kept decreasing with time, according to a report in Circulation: Journal of the American Heart Association. Source.

    FACTS: If you quit smoking, you will:

    1. Prolong your life. According to the American Heart Association, smokers who quit between ages 35-39 add an average of 6-9 years to their lives. Smokers who quit between ages 65-69 increase their life expectancy by 1 – 4 years.

    2. Reduce your risk of cardiovascular disease. Quitting smoking reduces the risk of repeat heart attacks and death from heart disease by 50 percent or more. Quitting smoking also reduces your risk of high blood pressure, peripheral artery disease and stroke.

    3. Reduce your risk of developing a variety of other conditions including diabetes, lung cancer, throat cancer, emphysema, chronic bronchitis, chronic asthma, ulcers, gum disease and many other conditions.

    4. Feel healthier. After quitting, you won’t cough as much, have as many sore throats and you will increase your energy.

    5. Look and feel better. Quitting can help you prevent face wrinkles, get rid of stained teeth, improve your skin and even get rid of the stale smell in your clothes and hair.

    6. Improve your sense of taste and smell.

    7. Save money. Source.

    FACTS: What Happens When You Quit:

    After 20 minutes
    o You stop polluting the air
    o Your blood pressure and pulse decrease
    o The temperature of your hands and feet increases

    After 8 hours
    o The carbon monoxide level in your blood returns to normal
    o Oxygen levels in your blood increase

    After 24 hours
    o Your risk of heart attack decreases

    After 48 hours
    o Nerve endings adjust to the absence of nicotine
    o Your ability to taste and smell begin to return

    After 2 weeks to 3 months
    o Your circulation improves
    o Your exercise tolerance improves

    After 1 – 9 months
    o Coughing, sinus congestion, fatigue and shortness of breath decrease
    o Your overall energy level increases

    After 1 year
    o Your risk of heart disease decreases to half that of a current smoker

    After 5 – 15 years
    o Your risk of stroke is reduced to that of people who have never smoked

    After 10 years
    o Your risk of dying from lung cancer drops to almost the same rate as a lifelong non- smoker
    o You decrease the incidence of other cancers — of the mouth, larynx, esophagus, bladder, kidney and pancreas

    After 15 years
    o Your risk of heart disease is reduced to that of people who have never smoked

    If you smoke again (called a relapse) do not lose hope. Seventy-five percent of those who quit relapse. Most smokers quit three times before they are successful. If you relapse, don’t give up! Review the reasons why you wanted to become a nonsmoker. Plan ahead and think about what you will do next time you get the urge to smoke. Source.

    2. Maintain a Healthy Body Weight

    QUESTION: How many people get cancer by being overweight or obese? How many die?

    FACTS: In 2002, about 41,000 new cases of cancer in the United States were estimated to be due to obesity. This means that about 3.2 percent of all new cancers are linked to obesity.

    A recent report estimated that, in the United States, 14 percent of deaths from cancer in men and 20 percent of deaths in women were due to overweight and obesity.

    Colon cancer occurs more frequently in people who are obese than in those of a healthy weight. An increased risk of colon cancer has been consistently reported for men with high BMIs.
    Source.

    FACTS: Research has shown that as weight increases to reach the levels referred to as “overweight” and “obesity,” the risks for the following conditions also increases:

    * Coronary heart disease
    * Type 2 diabetes
    * Cancers (endometrial, breast, and colon)
    * Hypertension (high blood pressure)
    * Dyslipidemia (for example, high total cholesterol or high levels of triglycerides)
    * Stroke
    * Liver and Gallbladder disease
    * Sleep apnea and respiratory problems
    * Osteoarthritis (a degeneration of cartilage and its underlying bone within a joint)
    * Gynecological problems (abnormal menses, infertility) Source.

    3. Eat Whole Foods, Not Processed

    FACTS: The statistics are alarming:

    – One in three people will get cancer at some time in their life

    – Heart disease is the leading cause of death

    – Poor nutrition and physical inactivity together are the second
    actual cause of preventable death in the United States

    On the other hand new evidence shows that:

    – Eating five or more fruits and vegetables per day cuts cancer
    risk in half

    – People who eat more fruits and vegetables have a 30% lower risk
    of premature heart attack than people who eat a few

    – About 25% fewer strokes are projected for adults who eat 8 or
    more servings of fruits and vegetables per day

    – Fruits and vegetables may help keep blood sugar down and control diabetes.” Source.

    FACTS: Processed meat consumption results in 67% increase in pancreatic cancer risk.
    Source.

    FACTS: Inorganic phosphates are found in a variety of processed foods, including meats, cheeses, beverages and bakery products. They are added to increase water retention and improve food texture. Studies suggests a diet high in inorganic phosphates could speed growth of cancerous tumors and contribute to the development of tumors in those predisposed to the disease. Source.

    FACTS: Carcinogens in foods that may be naturally-occurring, caused by preparing or cooking certain foods, or added to it, include safrole, estragole and benzene. Processed foods such as sausages, bacon and canned meats contain high amounts of the preservative nitrite, another known carcinogen. Other carcinogens to look for in food products include:

    * acetaldehyde
    * acetamide
    * azo color and compounds
    * benzidine
    * bis (2-Chloromethyl) ether
    * cadmium
    * chlorinated parraffin waxes
    * 3,3-dichlorobenzidine
    * dichloromethane
    * hexachlorobenzene
    * polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons
    * polychlorinated dibenzodioxins
    * polychlorinated dibenzofurans
    * sillica
    * trichloroethylene

    Though it is impossible to avoid every known carcinogen, to decrease risk of cancers and other illnesses, a balanced diet with more unprocessed, whole foods can decrease risk of some cancers and other diseases such as type two diabetes and heart disease. Source.

    FACTS: Nutrients in Whole Foods that Protect Against Cancer:

    1. Vitamin A: Strengthens the immune system. Essential for mineral metabolism and endocrine function. Helps detoxify. True vitamin A is found only in animal foods such as cod liver oil; fish and shellfish; and liver, butter and egg yolks from pasture-fed animals. Traditional diets contained ten times more vitamin A than the typical modern American diet.

    2. Vitamin C: An important antioxidant that prevents damage by free radicals. Found in many fruits and vegetables but also in certain organ meats valued by primitive peoples.

    3. Vitamin B6: Deficiencies are associated with cancer. Contributes to the function of over 100 enzymes. Most available from animal foods.

    4. Vitamin B12: Deficiencies are associated with cancer. Found only in animal foods.

    5. Vitamin B17: Protects against cancer. Found in a variety of organically grown grains, legumes, nuts and berries.

    6. Vitamin D: Required for mineral absorption. Strongly protective against breast and colon cancer. Found only in animal foods such as cod liver oil, lard, shellfish and butterfat, organ meats and egg yolks from grass-fed animals. Traditional diets contained ten times more vitamin D than the typical modern American diet.

    7. Vitamin E: Works as an antioxidant at the cellular level. Found in unprocessed oils as well as in animal fats like butter and egg yolks.

    8. Conjugated Linoleic Acid (CLA): Strongly protective against breast cancer. Found in the butterfat and meat fat of grass-fed ruminant animals.

    9. Cholesterol: A potent antioxidant that protects against free radicals in cell membranes. Found only in animal foods.

    10. Minerals: The body needs generous amounts of a wide variety of minerals to protect itself against cancer. Minerals like zinc, magnesium and selenium are vital components of enzymes that help the body fight carcinogens. Minerals are more easily absorbed from animal foods.

    11. Lactic Acid and Friendly Bacteria: Contribute to the health of the digestive tract. Found in old fashioned lacto-fermented foods.

    12. Saturated Fats: Strengthen the immune system. Needed for proper use of the essential fatty acids. The lungs cannot function without saturated fats. Found mostly in animal foods.

    13. Long-Chain Fatty Acids: Arachidonic acid (AA), eicosapentaenoic acid (EPA) and docosahexaenoic acid (DHA) help fight cancer on the cellular level. They are found mostly in animal foods such as butter, organ meats, cod liver oil and seafood.

    14. Co-enzyme Q10: Highly protective against cancer. Found only in animal foods. Source.

    In closing: I truly hope that you will begin living these simple lifestyle changes. If you are non-smoker, not obese, and already eating whole foods, then I challenge you to help to spread this message to as many people as you can. All of the suffering and the disease mentioned above is not necessary. It can be prevented.

9 Comments

  1. Dena, that is a very thought provoking post. 🙂 i think that you bring up a good poimt with regards to finding out how your mate wants to be treated in the relationship. I have heard it called their “love lamguage”. How does someone want to be loved. We are all different and respond to different things in different ways. I think that the spirit of the golden rule helps us to focus on how we treat others. We should treat people better than how we would want to be treated. We should put the needs of others above our own. In the materialistic and power hungry world we live in, that can be difficult at times.

  2. Treating people with dignity and respect is always the best policy. Whether that’s the Golden Rule or not doesn’t matter to me. I try (and, much of the time, fail) to treat others with dignity and respect, the right way to behave regardless of how someone is treating me. In relationships requiring more investment – like ones in the workplace, friendships or love and family – we always must respond to the needs of the other person. The essence of the Golden Rule (and what makes it so hard for me) is to do the right thing regardless of what the other person does for/to/with you. I struggle with this a lot with my writing and blogging. I give a lot to other people in the blogosphere and spend much (wasted) time angry about how little of it actually comes back to me, when I shouldn’t really care about that part of it. Good post, Dena. You are a wise lady.

  3. I have always tried to use the Golden Rule as a guide in how I treat others, but, must agree that it can be somewhat simplistic in complex situations. Both you and Andra make some excellent points about how to recognize and respond to the needs of others in any type of involved relationship. I continue to try to treat folks fairly and respectfully because that is what speaks to me about the Golden Rule. It doesn’t always work out, though, and in cases where no matter what ones does, the other person is going to treat you poorly, you just have to walk away.

    An excellent post and very perceptive.

  4. Uncanny–I was just thinking about this. A fortune would ruin me! Buying alcohol for an addict follows the golden rule, but it’d be his ruin. It is The Creative Genius of Love that calls for a justice higher than all rules. It is beyond any ethic; but it is hard for us to live in total awareness of the situation, isn’t it?
    The golden rule is “calculated justice”–that which we “should” want for the other; Love infinitely transcends this because it is “creative justice.” We do to our family and our partner what is most loving (and what can be immensely unnatural).Thank you for writing this, Dena. 

  5. Agh, BRILLIANT. I completely agree!  I realized this a few years ago, when I discovered Byron Katie’s work. I applied her methods and came to these conclusions – your post really makes it clear. Love it, and will share.

  6. I read this post approximately … 13 minutes after having an awful heated discussion with my significantly better other half. So really… you could have posted this a day prior and I’d be in the clear!

    Great insight Dena.

  7. I love this post! Your description of you and your partner could just as easily apply to me and mine. He describes himself as a caveman who just wants to go and sit in his cave by himself when things get a bit heated. But, like you, I’m always there, desperate to talk things over…

    You’ve certainly given me food for thought.

  8. Dena, I LOVE THIS POST because my relationship mirrors yours in this regard. It took me a long time to pinpoint it, though. The way you have worded this is excellent, and I appreciate your other examples.

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