diary: leaves are falling

Some days feel too good to be real. An old friend comes back into my life, someone that I loved once and love still. When we are reunited after these years that have passed, I can see that time has changed him. We watch a horror movie and it feels right, it feels like forgiveness and atonement. I am in awe of my ability to sit beside someone that I once loved, who hurt me the way that he did, and yet still feel such a warmth of friendship. I am reminded of the divine elasticity of the human heart. The next morning we take our children to the Renaissance Festival. We pack lunches and eat at a picnic table beneath giant, old maple trees. The weather is autumn perfection. The kids run through mazes and ride on a wooden viking ship. We watch a birds of prey show and a pair of acrobats on a stage. When I return home that afternoon my heart is full.

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I am invited to be a chaperone on Roman’s first kindergarten field trip. On a foggy October morning, Marina and I drive up to the orchard where we wait for the school buses to arrive. We walk around the orchard and the earth is covered in a blanket of fog. The leaves on the trees are just beginning to change color. Autumn is sinking its teeth into the landscape, however slowly. There are pumpkins and chickens and a little dog. For an hour, it feels like we are wandering in a story book. The buses arrive and we ride on tractors to the middle of the orchard. The children run about and pluck apples from the trees, red as rubies and sweet like candy. One little girl gets stung by a bee and gratefully her mother is there to scoop her up and make it okay. As we leave, the clouds part and the sun shines through like heaven. Marina and I drive home through countryside dotted with farms. I stop on the roadside to snap photos of wildflowers. My heart is full and I am overcome with gratitude.

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It is a Sunday afternoon and my babies are with their father for the weekend. My best friend and I decide to take a trip to my favorite little shopping village. We arrive to discover the annual fall festival is taking place. We walk through high grass to take pictures in front of a wooden barn. We weave through the street, speaking with vendors and admiring their beautiful wares. I buy a jar of local honey made from wildflowers. We spend a long time in a magic shoppe and something grabs hold of us there. An idea is sparked and we realize something that the Universe has been whispering to us for a very long time: we are bound to create something wonderful. I think to myself that my life is changing; that despite the hell, I have come through it. I will always come through it.

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Some days feel too good to be real.