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How to Forgive

evolutionyou.net | forgiveness

“Forgiveness is choosing to love. It is the first skill of self-giving love.” —Gandhi

At some point in every person’s life, they will be betrayed. Human beings are flawed creatures. We make mistakes. It is your ability to forgive that will determine whether these betrayals destroy you or make you stronger. Holding grudges, seeking revenge, and practicing hatred will prevent you from experiencing true joy in your life.

“Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” —Mark Twain

In this post I will to teach you how to become a forgiving person and how to cope with the devastating pain of betrayal, grow from it, and truly forgive.

1. Betrayal — The Initial Shock
The initial shock of betrayal is one of the most emotionally painful experiences that you will live through. If you have already gone through a deep betrayal in your own life, then you already know this to be true. Sometimes the feelings are so intense that they are comparable to the death of a loved one. This pain is very serious and it is okay to feel that way. Do not feel guilty for your feelings of pain, hurt, and even disgust. Allow those feeling to flow through you. Grieve for as long as you need to. Then, recognize that emotional pain is conquerable and begin your journey forward.

2. The Other Person is a Fallible Human Being, Just Like You
There are all sorts of betrayals. Husbands cheat on wives. Sons steal money from mothers. Friends share humiliating secrets. Strangers rape strangers. I am not condoning any of these actions. I am not saying that these things are okay. They are not. But, what I am saying is that you can not allow another person’s actions to destroy you. And, all human beings, including you, are capable of making mistakes.

As human beings, we suffer great emotional pain and at times we allow that emotional pain to destroy us. We also use that emotional pain as an excuse to destroy the person that caused it. The reality is that it is unnecessary. This post is about forgiving others and forgiving ourselves.

Please take a moment to read the excerpt below from Don Miguel Ruiz’s book, The Four Agreements. This excerpt is one of the things that radically transformed my own beliefs about forgiveness.

“How many times do we pay for one mistake? The answer is thousands of times. The human is the only animal on earth that pays a thousand times for the same mistake. The rest of the animals pay once for every mistake they make. But not us. We have a powerful memory. We make a mistake, we judge ourselves, we find ourselves guilty, and we punish ourselves. If justice exists, then that was enough; we don’t need to do it again. But every time we remember, we judge ourselves again, we are guilty again and we punish ourselves again, and again, and again. If we have a wife or a husband he or she also reminds us of the mistake, so we can judge ourselves again, punish ourselves again, and find ourselves guilty again. Is this fair?

How many times do we make our spouse, our children, or our parents pay for the same mistake? Every time we remember the mistake, we blame them again and send them all the emotional poison we feel at the injustice, and then we make them pay again for the same mistake. Is that justice?” —Don Miguel Ruiz

Recognize that it is not your job — and you have no right — to repeatedly punish another person or yourself for making a mistake. As a human being, it is only your job to forgive, to love, to heal, and to grow.

Revenge — There are No Winners

“An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind.” —Gandhi

Repeatedly punishing the person that caused you pain (even if that person is you) is not productive. It will only cause you to be stuck in an infinite cycle of pain.

“Vengeance is having a videotape planted in your soul that cannot be turned off. It plays the painful scene over and over again inside your mind… And each time it plays you feel the clap of pain again… Forgiving turns off the videotape of pained memory. Forgiving sets you free.” —Author Unknown

Say this out loud: Punishing him/her for hurting me is not going to make things better. It is not going to teach him/her a lesson. However, if I forgive and show him/her what kindness and love truly are, then just maybe, I will teach him/her something. Repeat this over and over until it finally sinks in.

3. Forgiveness Will Heal Your Soul and Sometimes, Your Relationship
The truth is that people make mistakes. You yourself will make hundreds of mistakes in your lifetime. No person is perfect and when you truly love another, you accept them for their flaws — the beautiful ones and the terrible ones.

“Every human relationship will suffer hurt. Thus, we all need to become better forgivers and confessors. That ability to reconcile and spirit of humbleness will prove the depth of your love and commitment. The components of love, forgiveness and commitment are as necessary to trust in a relationship as is honesty. Forgiveness gives you the chance to start over and trust another fallible human being again.” —Author Unknown

From the bottom of my heart I can say that several of my deepest and most rewarding relationships exist with people that have betrayed me at some point. When you care enough about a person that you are willing to forgive them their mistakes — that is true love. Relationships are like bones, when they heal they are stronger for it. Through the journey of betrayal, pain, and forgiveness you will learn a great deal about the other person and about yourself. Once you get past the pain and allow the love back in, your communication will improve. Your love and trust will be even stronger than before. Forgiveness is a gift and the person that you have forgiven will know that and be grateful.

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” —Gandhi

If you can forgive and move forward, you are truly a strong individual. Some people equate forgiveness or second chances with weakness. Those people are wrong. Forgiveness takes strength. It means putting your ego aside and allowing love to fill up the spaces that were once filled with pain. Only strong people can truly forgive.

4. Moving Forward is the Only Option
Forgiveness is a journey and like all journeys it takes time. You will stumble. The pain of betrayal will become so great at times that it will take you down. Some days will feel like an uphill climb. But, I promise you that the reward of strength and forgiveness will far outweigh the pain of hatred and vengeance. You must remind yourself everyday, every hour if necessary, that by punishing another (or yourself) you will continue to suffer. Only through forgiveness and time will you heal from the pain of betrayal.

As with all aspects in life, you have a choice. You can choose love or you can choose pain.

“Suffering makes you feel safe because you know it so well.

But there is really no reason to suffer. The only reason you suffer is because you choose to suffer. If you look at your life, you will find many excuses to suffer, but a good reason to suffer you will not find. The same is true for happiness. The only reason you are happy is because you choose to be happy. Happiness is a choice, and so is suffering.” —Don Miguel Ruiz

Like happiness, forgiveness is also a choice.

Some people are quick to forgive, some hold grudges for awhile, and still others find that once betrayed they can never forgive. In my own life, my views on betrayal, revenge, and forgiveness have changed drastically. When I was younger, I prided myself on being a vindictive person. I was proud to say that I would seek and carry out revenge on anyone that crossed me. When I was hurt deeply, I would plan out and exact detailed plots of revenge. As a young Catholic girl, I knew the Biblical phrase, “An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.” I carried the sentiment close to my heart and used it to justify even the most terrible actions. Sometimes in exacting revenge upon one person, I hurt another in the process. I did so without remorse.

At this point in my life, my thoughts and actions on the subject could not be more different. If I hold any Biblical sentiment close to my heart now, it is “Turn the other cheek.” A few years ago, I decided to begin practicing Kindness as my religion. In doing so, many aspects of my life changed but one of the greatest changes was my ability to forgive. In practicing kindness to others, my own happiness grew infinitely. When others betrayed me, I learned to forgive. I learned that holding anger in my heart and seeking revenge accomplished nothing. It did not teach the other person a lesson and mostly it poisoned my own soul.

I ask you to learn from my journey. Choose forgiveness. Choose love. Choose light.

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    3 Simple Changes That Will Save Your Life

    This post could save your life. These 3 simple lifestyle changes saved mine. Today I am going to simply share facts with you. These facts (if you let them) will dramatically improve your quality of life. Making these changes can even increase your life span.

    1. Stop Smoking

    FACTS: According to the American Heart Association, cigarette smoking is the most important preventable cause of premature death in the United States, accounting for 440,000 of the more than 2.4 million annual deaths.

    Cigarette smoking causes lung cancer. In fact, smoking tobacco is the major risk factor for lung cancer. In the United States, about 90% of lung cancer deaths in men and almost 80% of lung cancer deaths in women are due to smoking. People who smoke are 10 to 20 times more likely to get lung cancer or die from lung cancer than people who do not smoke. The longer a person smokes and the more cigarettes smoked each day, the more risk goes up.

    Smoking also causes cancer of the voice box (larynx), mouth and throat, esophagus, bladder, kidney, pancreas, cervix, and stomach, and causes acute myeloid leukemia. Source.

    FACTS: One year after passing smoking bans, communities in North America and Europe had 17 percent fewer heart attacks compared to communities without smoking restrictions, and the number of heart attacks kept decreasing with time, according to a report in Circulation: Journal of the American Heart Association. Source.

    FACTS: If you quit smoking, you will:

    1. Prolong your life. According to the American Heart Association, smokers who quit between ages 35-39 add an average of 6-9 years to their lives. Smokers who quit between ages 65-69 increase their life expectancy by 1 – 4 years.

    2. Reduce your risk of cardiovascular disease. Quitting smoking reduces the risk of repeat heart attacks and death from heart disease by 50 percent or more. Quitting smoking also reduces your risk of high blood pressure, peripheral artery disease and stroke.

    3. Reduce your risk of developing a variety of other conditions including diabetes, lung cancer, throat cancer, emphysema, chronic bronchitis, chronic asthma, ulcers, gum disease and many other conditions.

    4. Feel healthier. After quitting, you won’t cough as much, have as many sore throats and you will increase your energy.

    5. Look and feel better. Quitting can help you prevent face wrinkles, get rid of stained teeth, improve your skin and even get rid of the stale smell in your clothes and hair.

    6. Improve your sense of taste and smell.

    7. Save money. Source.

    FACTS: What Happens When You Quit:

    After 20 minutes
    o You stop polluting the air
    o Your blood pressure and pulse decrease
    o The temperature of your hands and feet increases

    After 8 hours
    o The carbon monoxide level in your blood returns to normal
    o Oxygen levels in your blood increase

    After 24 hours
    o Your risk of heart attack decreases

    After 48 hours
    o Nerve endings adjust to the absence of nicotine
    o Your ability to taste and smell begin to return

    After 2 weeks to 3 months
    o Your circulation improves
    o Your exercise tolerance improves

    After 1 – 9 months
    o Coughing, sinus congestion, fatigue and shortness of breath decrease
    o Your overall energy level increases

    After 1 year
    o Your risk of heart disease decreases to half that of a current smoker

    After 5 – 15 years
    o Your risk of stroke is reduced to that of people who have never smoked

    After 10 years
    o Your risk of dying from lung cancer drops to almost the same rate as a lifelong non- smoker
    o You decrease the incidence of other cancers — of the mouth, larynx, esophagus, bladder, kidney and pancreas

    After 15 years
    o Your risk of heart disease is reduced to that of people who have never smoked

    If you smoke again (called a relapse) do not lose hope. Seventy-five percent of those who quit relapse. Most smokers quit three times before they are successful. If you relapse, don’t give up! Review the reasons why you wanted to become a nonsmoker. Plan ahead and think about what you will do next time you get the urge to smoke. Source.

    2. Maintain a Healthy Body Weight

    QUESTION: How many people get cancer by being overweight or obese? How many die?

    FACTS: In 2002, about 41,000 new cases of cancer in the United States were estimated to be due to obesity. This means that about 3.2 percent of all new cancers are linked to obesity.

    A recent report estimated that, in the United States, 14 percent of deaths from cancer in men and 20 percent of deaths in women were due to overweight and obesity.

    Colon cancer occurs more frequently in people who are obese than in those of a healthy weight. An increased risk of colon cancer has been consistently reported for men with high BMIs.
    Source.

    FACTS: Research has shown that as weight increases to reach the levels referred to as “overweight” and “obesity,” the risks for the following conditions also increases:

    * Coronary heart disease
    * Type 2 diabetes
    * Cancers (endometrial, breast, and colon)
    * Hypertension (high blood pressure)
    * Dyslipidemia (for example, high total cholesterol or high levels of triglycerides)
    * Stroke
    * Liver and Gallbladder disease
    * Sleep apnea and respiratory problems
    * Osteoarthritis (a degeneration of cartilage and its underlying bone within a joint)
    * Gynecological problems (abnormal menses, infertility) Source.

    3. Eat Whole Foods, Not Processed

    FACTS: The statistics are alarming:

    – One in three people will get cancer at some time in their life

    – Heart disease is the leading cause of death

    – Poor nutrition and physical inactivity together are the second
    actual cause of preventable death in the United States

    On the other hand new evidence shows that:

    – Eating five or more fruits and vegetables per day cuts cancer
    risk in half

    – People who eat more fruits and vegetables have a 30% lower risk
    of premature heart attack than people who eat a few

    – About 25% fewer strokes are projected for adults who eat 8 or
    more servings of fruits and vegetables per day

    – Fruits and vegetables may help keep blood sugar down and control diabetes.” Source.

    FACTS: Processed meat consumption results in 67% increase in pancreatic cancer risk.
    Source.

    FACTS: Inorganic phosphates are found in a variety of processed foods, including meats, cheeses, beverages and bakery products. They are added to increase water retention and improve food texture. Studies suggests a diet high in inorganic phosphates could speed growth of cancerous tumors and contribute to the development of tumors in those predisposed to the disease. Source.

    FACTS: Carcinogens in foods that may be naturally-occurring, caused by preparing or cooking certain foods, or added to it, include safrole, estragole and benzene. Processed foods such as sausages, bacon and canned meats contain high amounts of the preservative nitrite, another known carcinogen. Other carcinogens to look for in food products include:

    * acetaldehyde
    * acetamide
    * azo color and compounds
    * benzidine
    * bis (2-Chloromethyl) ether
    * cadmium
    * chlorinated parraffin waxes
    * 3,3-dichlorobenzidine
    * dichloromethane
    * hexachlorobenzene
    * polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons
    * polychlorinated dibenzodioxins
    * polychlorinated dibenzofurans
    * sillica
    * trichloroethylene

    Though it is impossible to avoid every known carcinogen, to decrease risk of cancers and other illnesses, a balanced diet with more unprocessed, whole foods can decrease risk of some cancers and other diseases such as type two diabetes and heart disease. Source.

    FACTS: Nutrients in Whole Foods that Protect Against Cancer:

    1. Vitamin A: Strengthens the immune system. Essential for mineral metabolism and endocrine function. Helps detoxify. True vitamin A is found only in animal foods such as cod liver oil; fish and shellfish; and liver, butter and egg yolks from pasture-fed animals. Traditional diets contained ten times more vitamin A than the typical modern American diet.

    2. Vitamin C: An important antioxidant that prevents damage by free radicals. Found in many fruits and vegetables but also in certain organ meats valued by primitive peoples.

    3. Vitamin B6: Deficiencies are associated with cancer. Contributes to the function of over 100 enzymes. Most available from animal foods.

    4. Vitamin B12: Deficiencies are associated with cancer. Found only in animal foods.

    5. Vitamin B17: Protects against cancer. Found in a variety of organically grown grains, legumes, nuts and berries.

    6. Vitamin D: Required for mineral absorption. Strongly protective against breast and colon cancer. Found only in animal foods such as cod liver oil, lard, shellfish and butterfat, organ meats and egg yolks from grass-fed animals. Traditional diets contained ten times more vitamin D than the typical modern American diet.

    7. Vitamin E: Works as an antioxidant at the cellular level. Found in unprocessed oils as well as in animal fats like butter and egg yolks.

    8. Conjugated Linoleic Acid (CLA): Strongly protective against breast cancer. Found in the butterfat and meat fat of grass-fed ruminant animals.

    9. Cholesterol: A potent antioxidant that protects against free radicals in cell membranes. Found only in animal foods.

    10. Minerals: The body needs generous amounts of a wide variety of minerals to protect itself against cancer. Minerals like zinc, magnesium and selenium are vital components of enzymes that help the body fight carcinogens. Minerals are more easily absorbed from animal foods.

    11. Lactic Acid and Friendly Bacteria: Contribute to the health of the digestive tract. Found in old fashioned lacto-fermented foods.

    12. Saturated Fats: Strengthen the immune system. Needed for proper use of the essential fatty acids. The lungs cannot function without saturated fats. Found mostly in animal foods.

    13. Long-Chain Fatty Acids: Arachidonic acid (AA), eicosapentaenoic acid (EPA) and docosahexaenoic acid (DHA) help fight cancer on the cellular level. They are found mostly in animal foods such as butter, organ meats, cod liver oil and seafood.

    14. Co-enzyme Q10: Highly protective against cancer. Found only in animal foods. Source.

    In closing: I truly hope that you will begin living these simple lifestyle changes. If you are non-smoker, not obese, and already eating whole foods, then I challenge you to help to spread this message to as many people as you can. All of the suffering and the disease mentioned above is not necessary. It can be prevented.

12 Comments

  1. I couldn't agree with you more here Dena… Fogiveness is such a diffucult task sometimes, but so necessary.

    It's the same with people that chose to be racist, or hate for any reason… it only hurts you more.

    Wonderful, inspiring message!
    🙂
    Karen

    Reply

  3. Dena, this is a wonderful post! Forgiveness is number one on my list of things practive regularly. You know they say forgiveness is almost a selfish act because of how great it feels to the person doing the forgiving. I have to agree with that statement as I have had to forgive and be forgiven many times in my life.

    Reply

  4. It's so easy to 'know' what to do… so difficult to actually do it. Thank you for your ability to transform 'kind' yet metaphysical or intangible ideas into actual, PRACTICAL words of wisdom that people can understand, USE and feel connected with. You are SO talented in your ability to relate and communicate… keep it up cuz… xoxoxo

    Reply

  5. @Karen – Absolutely & like many difficult things, it is worth it in the end. Thank you.

    @Ken – Thanks for your kind words!

    @Enemy of Debt – Thanks you so much for your thoughts. Yes, I think we all have and that's what makes us human.

    @Anonymous (Kimberly) – Your thoughts & approval mean the world to me. XO

    Reply

  7. @Dawn – I am so glad that my blog has helped or inspired you in some way. I appreciate your reading & please know that I am sending love & positive thoughts your way!

    Reply
  8. Pingback: Letting Go of the Past: Forgiveness : evolution you
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  10. I stumbled upon your blog from another blog. I don’t remember which one. Maybe Gala Darling’s. In any case, I am so ecstatic to have found this treasure! I am suffering from depression from multiple events and while I have always wanted to be rid of it, I haven’t been able to find my way out. Your blog is so enlightening and inspirational to me. You bring out simple ideas that make a huge impact on me. Thank you, thank you! I am beginning to see the light!

    Reply

    1. Thanks so much, Nicole!  I am so proud of you for the progress that you are making & grateful that you’ve found me.  Be sure to check out my About page for more that may help you on your path.  xoxo

      Reply

  11. Thanks so much for your posting. A friend shared with me today and it has been the answer to prayer as I struggle to forgive someone close to me. God bless you!

    Reply

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