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Emotional Pain is Conquerable

Awhile back I wrote these words: There is only one brand of pain, self-inflicted. What did I mean? Well, I am not referring to physical pain. (I can not claim to walk across hot coals or lay on a bed of nails — yet!) I am talking about emotional pain. Truly, no one and no thing has the power to hurt you emotionally unless you allow it.

In order to understand this concept, first we must understand what emotional pain actually is. Emotional pain is a manifestation of fear. It is your mind twisting a given scenario in a way that makes you believe something bad is going to happen. You become afraid. Fear leads to anxiety, panic. Your mind and body react in shock and it feels as though your heart is breaking.

For example, let’s imagine that three weeks ago your boss assigned you an important project. For three weeks you’ve worked very hard on this project. You put lots of energy and effort into it. You’ve planned, researched, acted, and eventually created. When you are all done and pleased with the outcome, you present it to your boss. You are proud and excited. Your boss looks everything over and a terrible frown slides across his face. He looks up at you and says, “This is terrible. How could it possibly have taken three weeks to come up with this junk? What were you thinking?” You are crushed.

Now in actuality, several things are happening. It is sensible and rational that your ego is bruised. However, your mind begins to race immediately. Your thoughts are out of control. How could he? I worked so hard. I gave this my all. I thought it was good! I must be awful. I must be stupid. I am going to lose my job. I am going to get fired. Things can not go on this way. I am going to lose my income stream. What if I can not pay my rent? Where will I live? What have I done? I am going to end up on the streets!

Within moments, all of these thoughts fly across your mind. You are utterly flooded. The emotional pain sets in. You buckle under the weight of it. The emotional pain becomes so intense that you express physical symptoms. (Yes, the mind does have complete power over the body!) You might blush, sweat, and shake. You might even begin to cry.

This does not make you a weak person. It simply means that you do not know how to filter out unnecessary emotional pain. While your bruised ego and feelings of disappointment are rational, the other thoughts are not. Your boss disliking a single project does not directly mean that you will lose your house and end up living on the streets. Perhaps your boss is being unfair but maybe he just had a terrible day and took it out on you. Perhaps he himself just got news of his own impending layoff. Whatever the cause for his response (even if you really did to a terrible job) you must take it for what it is. You must understand that the emotional pain you are feeling in that moment is a result of irrational fear and you can take control. You are the gatekeeper of your mind. You choose what gets in to cause you emotional hurt and what does not.

In that moment, you must take a step out of the situation and examine it for what it really is. You must breathe deeply and allow only rational thoughts to pass through your mind. I worked damned hard on this project. I am a valuable contributor to this team. His reaction is completely unwarranted. I will not let it affect me. There must be something else at play here. If I have made a mistake I will learn from it and do better next time. You will find that almost immediately the emotional pain will disappear. It will be replaced with a calmness and confidence. It may not work perfectly the first time or even the fifth time that you try it, but eventually and with practice it will work.

Nothing has the power to hurt you so long as you choose strength over weakness! The choice of strength is yours to make. Do not allow fear to overwhelm you and force you to feel emotional pain. You have the power to avoid it. Just like you have the power to do anything. Happiness and strength are choices that you can make for yourself.

The scenario described above and the steps taken to resolve the pain can be applied to any situation. Some situations will be more difficult than others but with time you will become an expert at conquering pain. There will be times when you must experience sadness — the death of a loved one, a divorce — and you can allow yourself to grieve those losses but do not succumb to that pain. Once you have grieved and your body says enough, take back control. Take back the power over that irrational train of thought and find happiness again.

“We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.” —Carlos Castaneda

Happiness is always within our reach, we must never forget to reach out and grab it!

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    Review: The Power of Now

    The Power of Now had been on my “to-read” list for years when, by a stroke of fate, a dear friend offered to lend me her audio copy. Based on my general understanding of the book and its content (prior to reading it) I felt that I would enjoy it; however, I was completely unprepared for the way that the book would speak to me, transform my perspective, and change my life.

    The Unreal Past & Future

    In The Power of Now, we learn that to live in the future or the past is to suffer. The only way to exist in true harmony is to live in the now. After all, the past is not real, the future is not real. The past and the future only exist in our minds.

    When I first heard this concept I refused to believe or comprehend it. Of course my past is real, I thought. Of course my future is real, too. How dare someone suggest that it is not? My ego lashed out; but then I thought more about it. I listened, opened my mind, and realized that it was true. I am going to ask you to walk through an exercise with me to help you understand.

    Let’s recall a memory in which you are eating something. Let’s say, for example, it’s a hot summer day and you’re licking an ice cream cone. Now, where ever you are—right now, present moment, not in the memory—I’d like you to stick your finger right into the ice cream and then throw it to the floor. Can you do that? Can you touch that ice cream cone from your memory? No, of course you can’t (unless you’re on hallucinogenics but that’s another story).

    The fact is that right now you can not touch that ice cream cone and therefore it is not real. It may seem real in your memory—in your mind—but it is not really “real”…not here, not now, not in existence. It is only a memory and it only exists in your mind.

    This principle is also true for the future. Imagine any future scenario in your mind. You win the lottery. You get fired from your job. You purchase a house. You fall off of a cliff. You can play each of those scenes out in your head. You can fill in as much detail as you like. You can mentally experience the future, but the truth remains that the future scenario isn’t “real”. You can’t actually reach out and touch anything in the future right now. The future only exists in your mind.

    When I finally grasped this concept I was shocked & amazed. It seems simple, but somehow I had been missing it for my entire life! To me, the past and the future were as real as the present. The past happened to me. The future was going to happen to me. I held on to these concepts for dear life. But then I realized the truth… the past and the present are not that important. They’re not even real. They are only in my head.

    You might be feeling a bit angry right now. (I know because I was at this point.) You might be thinking, How dare you claim that my past is not real? I’ve suffered, I’ve lived, I’ve triumphed, I’ve done X, Y, and Z. And my future, that is real too! I am going to do things 1, 2, 3, and so on!

    Your Ego Feeds on the Past & Future

    Well, my friend, I am not sorry to break it to you. That voice of anger is fueled by fear and the fear is coming from your ego.

    For your entire life, your ego has been calling the shots. He rules you by fear—fear over your past and fear over your future. So long as you believe in the reality of your past and your future, your ego has control over you. It uses every thing that ever happened in the past against you. It uses everything that you hope to happen in the future against you.

    There is only one way to overcome your ego and that is to live completely in the now. Let go of the past and the future. Be fully present in this moment.

    It is not easy. You’ve spent your entire life ruled by your ego, living in the past and present. But while it’s not easy, it is possible. It’s entirely possible for you to begin living entirely in the present moment, entirely in peace, love, & light, entirely free from the chains of your ego.

    The Power of Now is an excellent book and if you truly listen to every word and practice its teachings in your daily life, you will succeed. It has been quite a journey for me already and I’ve only been on it for a few weeks now! I am experiencing life in ways that I never dreamed possible. You can do it, too.

    *********

    Here are some of my favourite pieces from The Power of Now along with my interpretations of each.

    You have it already. You just can’t feel it because your mind is making too much noise.
    Eckhart Tolle tells us that that many people ask him to “give” them his gift. His response is always the same, You already have it.

    This is entirely true. Each of us already has the immense power of now within. Tolle nor anyone else can “give” that to us—but what he can do (and does in the book) is to show you how to harness the power in your own life.

    Not to be able to stop thinking is a dreadful affliction; but we don’t realize it because almost everyone is suffering from it. So, it is considered normal.
    After reading (listening to) The Power of Now, I realized that yes, the modern human being is suffering from a debilitating disease: compulsive over thinking.

    It is so obvious to me now! How many millions of people are suffering from anxiety, depression, and so on? Most of these individuals are suffering as such simply because of compulsive over thinking.

    When we stop our compulsive, ego-driven thoughts, we live in harmony. Sadly, however, most people just don’t know how to stop those thoughts.

    We must become the silent observer, as Tolle describes in the book. The first step to overcoming the compulsive thoughts is to recognize them, to be the silent observer of your mind.

    To see, but not see. To hear, but not hear.
    Have you ever had a moment, an hour, or a day where you were entirely mindless?

    For example, you are driving along the road completely spaced out from reality and suddenly you “wake up” and you don’t know where your head has been for some stretch of time. You know that you must have been seeing and aware, because you didn’t crash your vehicle. But you weren’t really there. You were seeing but not seeing.

    Another example, you are in conversation with a friend or loved one and you begin zoning out. You hear words coming out of her mouth, but when she finally stops talking, you realize that you have no idea what she just said. You were listening, but you weren’t really there. You were hearing but not hearing.

    This is what it means to see, but not see; to hear, but not hear. It is living life in an unconscious state, on autopilot. Most likely you are daydreaming about the unreal past or future. You can overcome this state of nothingness and time wasting by harnessing the power of now and being fully present in each moment.

    Humanity is under great pressure to evolve because it is the only chance for the survival of our species.
    “Humanity is under great pressure to evolve because it is our only chance of survival as a race. This will affect every aspect of your life and close relationships in particular. Never before have relationships been as problematic and conflict ridden as they are now. As you may continue to pursue the goal of salvation through a relationship, you will be disillusioned again and again. But if you accept that the relationship is here to make you conscious instead of happy, then the relationship will offer you salvation, and you will be aligning yourself with the higher consciousness that wants to be born into this world. For those who hold to the old patterns, there will be increasing pain, violence, confusion, and madness.”

    *********

    I could write ten posts about The Power of Now and I would only begin to scratch the surface. The book is extremely intensive. Tolle’s language is thick and weighted with meaning. The content is formatted as question and answer for the sake of clarity—but it is still heavy reading. As I mentioned earlier, I listened to the audio book and I would highly recommend this format. I have heard that reading the text can be confusing and I can understand why.

    The audio book does span several hours, but it is entirely worth every moment. If you can not afford to buy the audio book, you should consider borrowing it from your local library.

    If you decide to read or have read this book, I would love to hear your thoughts. Whether or not you decide to, I hope that you will consider the ideas that I have shared in this post.

    Thinking about being somewhere else uses up your precious, present moments. Be here now. —Wayne Dyer

5 Comments

  1. Hi,

    I liked this post. I am a recovering alcoholic (just under one year) and as the fog lifts I am finding a lot comfort in my newfound ability to control my emotions / thoughts / feelings / moods / perceptions. I am choosing what and how I want to feel and I can't believe that I always had the power to do this. I thought I was just going to have to live with all the emotional pain BUT I was wrong. This (the pain) kept me drinking. I found doing this to be very difficult at first but over time I have gotten better at it.

    Thanks again for sharing!

    mk

  2. @mk – I can not tell you how much it means to me to know that my words and thoughts meant something to you. I am so proud of you for coming this far in your journey. Keep up the amazing work. I will keep you in my thoughts and send you love and positivity from afar.

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