Nobody Said It Was Easy
Yesterday was one of those days. Running on “next-to-no” sleep. A baby boy that wouldn’t stop crying no matter what I tried, who every time I tried to nurse him, clamped down on my nipple and pulled as hard as he could. A husband who pulled out his back last week and has been virtually bed-ridden ever since. A dog who seemingly constantly needs to be taken out, fed, pet, etc. A house that needs cleaning in a desperate way. And a mama who (once again) couldn’t for the life of her remember when she last showered.
It’s so funny to look back on last summer, when I wouldn’t be caught dead without a pedicure every two weeks, when I wouldn’t leave the house without shaving my legs. Now, I am lucky if I can clip my toenails once a month and shave my armpits every other! So this is what being a mama means… Well played, Universe. Well played.
But then I look at that sweet face and, I don’t care how corny it sounds, I melt. I would do it all over again and again and again. When Matthew and I got married, I walked down the aisle to Coldplay’s, “The Scientist.” I chose that song because it contains one of my favourite lyrics of all time: Nobody said it was easy / No one ever said it would be so hard. It always reminded me so much of romantic love. Now it reminds me of romantic love and of a mother’s love.
It’s beautiful how life moves in circles. It’s hard, but it’s beautiful all the same.
In a desperate attempt to get him to calm the eff down, I took Roman to the mall yesterday. It was my first time in the mall with him. All that I wanted to do was look at things for him. Even when I went into my favourite stores (Gap, Disney), I went straight to the infant sections and didn’t even glance at anything for me.
My sister’s oldest is four-years-old now. Shortly after she had him, we were having a conversation and I told her that I didn’t think I could do it. I didn’t think I could have a baby. She asked me why. I told her that it was because I am selfish, I want for so much.
But now that I am a mother, I finally realize that motherhood is the end of selfishness. Yes, of course there will be times when you just want a half hour to yourself, a hot bath, a day away… But that’s not selfishness. That’s just recuperating you’re sanity every now & again. 😉
When you are a mother — when you’re doing it right — there is no selfish, not really. There is only love. And every little thing that you give up — every shower, every pedicure, every night out with friends, every hour of sleep, every meal, every thing, everything — you give up gladly. There is only love.
