Thoughts on Motherhood: Late Winter 2021

𝕄𝕠𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕣𝕙𝕠𝕠𝕕 ☾ It’s the one thing I wanted more than anything else in the world. When I was a little girl I used to take meticulous care of my dolls. I kept them in perfect condition and treated them with love and tenderness, always tending to them equally so that they all felt loved.

Later in high school home economics class, we were given “think-it-over” babies that we had to care for 24/7. They would actually cry and need to be held, fed, changed, and so on, all day and even in the middle of the night. Each time the baby cried, if you didn’t tend to it, the device inside the doll would track it and you would lose a point. If you dropped it or hit it, you would also lose a point. In a class of about 20 girls, I was the only girl to get a perfect score, 0 lost points. I loved that baby so much, treated it like a real baby. It pained me to give it back.

I share all of these things to tell you, dear reader, about how I always wanted to be a mother. How I dreamed of the children I would one day love and hold and raise and nurture. How I had names picked out by the time I was ten-years-old, how I dreamed of them before they were ever born.

Of course motherhood was not exactly as I envisioned it. Life never is. There are trials and hardships that you can’t dream up. Life takes twists and everything that you thought was laid out clearly before you floats away like ashes on the breeze.

When I became a single mother, for awhile it was a struggle for survival. But eventually I found my way. And even through the darkest of it, motherhood was my constant. It was hard, but it was good and I was so grateful because no matter what I lost or gained, I had the one thing that I wanted more than anything else in life.

At that time, my children were small, but I knew that I would one day like to have at least one more baby. Not knowing if I would ever get into another relationship, I began to think about adoption. I hoped that even if I stayed a single mother I could adopt another child into our family.

Then of course I was blessed with two beautiful stepchildren and given the privilege of loving them. And now, here I am, unexpectedly expecting twins. Blessed.