Be brave.

I’m tired and sad in a heartbreaking way. I think perhaps I shouldn’t be writing this today. After all, I felt fine yesterday. But perhaps I only felt fine for a little while at a time. Perhaps, I really am just sad and tired. And that’s okay.

My life has been turned upside down recently. A series of long anticipated events coming together, a perfect storm, if you will. And now I’m existing in an inexplicable state of chaos, a stepping stone from one place to another, limbo, purgatory.

On top of all the things that I can’t talk about, there’s the mothering. Marina is about to turn one and while things are far better than they once were, she’s still about as needy as any one-year-old you could dream up. Roman is good and sweet, but he’s a few months away from turning three and he needs so much. He craves constant interaction, conversation, learning, activity. He craves everything. He’s just exploding with wonder & curiosity — and it’s beautiful but it’s devastatingly exhausting.

Marina is sleeping on her own, but she is up between two and four times each night, needing to comfort nurse back to sleep. I’ve tried letting her cry — I have no mercy at this point, but she will cry endlessly. She has a force of will unlike anything I’ve ever witnessed. It’s difficult now. But I believe that it will serve her well later in life.

I’m not apt to self pity. I’m not prone to negativity. I’ve spent half a lifetime learning to see the positive in everything. I’m always one to pick myself up by my bootstraps, make a plan, and take action. Fuck sitting around in a stew of misery, you know. But lately, things have deteriorated so severely that I’m rendered nearly helpless.

It’s like I’m constantly standing on a skateboard over a gorge. It’s taking every shred of strength and energy to keep myself upright, to stop the board from slipping out from under me so that I tumble down and break every bone in my body or worse.

I know, I know, it sounds dramatic and extreme. But it’s where I’m at. Once again I’m writing in metaphors, unable to talk about the reality of what I’m going through. But that’s been a theme in my life for a long while.

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On the other hand, I have to be true to myself. And even though I’m sad and exhausted to my very core, my true self still focuses on the light at the end of the tunnel. I know it’s there. I know it’s waiting. I know that the night is darkest just before the dawn.

My ‘word’ for 2016 is bravery and I’ll be damned if I am anything but brave this year. I’m facing all of my demons head on and slaying them one by one. And even when I am scared, even when I don’t feel brave at all, you can bet that I will put on my bravest face and keep on trudging forward. That’s what I’ve been doing and that’s what I will keep doing.

D.

2 thoughts on “heart spill // february”

  1. Mama….whaaaaaaat is going on?! I know, I know, you said you can’t talk about it but you better believe I’m wondering hard on what is up. And heartbroken, myself, over the fact that you’re going through something awful. I wish we lived closer, you bet your ass I’d be heading over with a bottle of wine (or tequila?). Anyway, in all seriousness I’m always available for venting purposes. I hope and wish that you find strength and clarity in your storm, to withstand it…to navigate yourself out. Big bear hugs for you xoxo

  2. Hello from Australia…
    When I’m having a hard time with my own strong-willed baby girl, my friend who is a Mother of 4 (including 2 babies!) says, “It’s just a stage. It’s just a stage.” This is how she talks me down from my anxiety driven frenzy. And isn’t it simple but true? There is a season for everything under the sun! If it weren’t for the rain, there would be no green. Chances are, you are growing in ways you would never have imagined; being refined by fire to emerge in a purer form. Your Father God has great work for you to do! But for now, rest in Him and seek His peace which surpasses understanding.

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