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My Boyfriend is not a Lesbian

Forward: This post has nothing to do with sexuality (homosexuality, heterosexuality, bisexuality, asexuality, or otherwise). Let’s save that for another time. This post has everything to do with labels. Please keep that in mind if you decide to leave a comment. Thank you.

You’ve probably heard me refer to Matthew by various titles. Sometimes I call him my boyfriend. Sometimes I call him my partner. Technically speaking (in the North American vernacular) he is my boyfriend. I don’t care for that title though.

I had boyfriends when I was ten years old. We did things like pass notes in class, hold hands on the playground, and go to the movie theatre to see Ace Venture Pet Detective. I also had boyfriends in high school and college. We did things like sneak out, drink beer, and attend homecoming games.

But what I have with Matthew is different. We have a home. We have three beautiful pets—Mika, Bella, & Persia. We spend holidays with each others families. And so on.

Thing is, we’re not married and we’re not even engaged. We’ve lived together for over three years. We are currently nearing the end of a two and half year home renovation project. During the construction, we didn’t have much time to talk about marriage. It was mostly a non-issue. Recently, we have talked about it as a possibility in our future, but neither of us is 100% sold on the idea. We are not particularly religious and we’ve never been the types to do something because “society” or “tradition” dictates that you should.

Still, I feel like we are a lot more than just “boyfriend & girlfriend” so I’ve taken to calling him my partner. And herein lies the problem. Apparently when I refer to him as my partner (i.e. “My partner and I are renovating our home in Northern New Jersey”) people automatically assume that “my partner” is a woman and that we are lesbians.

When I was interviewing last month, I made several references to my partner. I didn’t think anything of it until last week when my co-worker said to me, “So, Dena, are you a lesbian or what?” I thought it was funny, especially when you know what Matthew looks like. With a smile, I responded that I was not. I wasn’t insulted, but it got me thinking about labels, titles, and the power of words.

This is Matthew & I at his brother's wedding a few weeks ago.

A lot of words evoke a powerful reaction in me and I see it occur in others, too. The power that a word has over a person is influenced by: personal life experience, family values, media portrayal, and peer belief systems. In essence, what we see for ourselves, what our families teach us, what the media portrays, and what our peers believe all play a big part in determining the influence that a certain word or label will have over us.

Here are some examples of labels and words that may or may not evoke a strong reaction in you:

  • Middle Eastern
  • Islamic
  • Muslim
  • Homosexual
  • Jew
  • Conservative
  • Liberal
  • Abortion
  • Suicide
  • Black
  • Bible
  • Koran

I’ve selected these words fairly randomly based on recent conversations that I have had or heard. These are a few labels and subjects that seem to be evoking strong reactions at the present moment.

What do you feel when you read each of these words? More importantly, what do you feel when you come across a person labeled by or associated with these words? Do you make assumptions? Do you form opinions? Do you pass judgment?

Most likely you do. I know that I do, even if it is subconsciously. I consider myself an extremely open-minded, liberal, and spiritual person. I have a great faith and trust in humanity. I love all living creatures. However, when I get on an airplane and I see a Middle Eastern man in traditional garb, I take a double look. The thought “terrorist” crosses my mind. At one time, I was ashamed to admit this. But I realize now that to truly illustrate my point, it is important for you to know that we all do this sometimes.

It makes me sad that I would pass judgment on a person this way, that I would assume, and label him because of what I have seen, what the media has shown me, and so on. I do my best to rectify this, to fill my heart with light & love in the direction of the person that I fear. In all likelihood this person is a father, a son, a dedicated husband. With a heart full of love, my mind quickly moves from fear to compassion.

Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

The purpose of this post is to get you thinking. Have you ever experienced a reaction as I have? Are there other word triggers for you? Do you feel a strong reaction toward gay men? Toward black peoples? Toward something else?

Today, I encourage you to put down your judgments. Accept that we are all one. As living creatures, we are all in this together. Stop using labels to throw people into categories. Instead, give every person the chance to show you his or her true soul. Make a decision about me once you’ve gotten to know me, not once you’ve heard me call my boyfriend my partner. Because no, my boyfriend is not a lesbian. And I bet that if you fill your heart with love & compassion next time you start to judge someone, you will find that he or she is not what you “thought” either.

Give love a chance.

xo,
D.

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    My Journey to Financial Freedom | Part 1: The Fall

    Three years ago, I was nearly $60,000 in debt. I had a Bachelor’s degree that didn’t appear to be worth its weight in salt and a job that couldn’t cover a fraction of my monthly bills. I was terrified.

    Today, I am closer to complete financial freedom than I ever dreamed possible. Last week, I paid off my last remaining credit card balance. This two-part post is a celebration of this incredible milestone in my journey.

    In part one, I will explain how I got to that terrible place. In part two, I will explain how I’m getting out of it (and how you can do it, too).

    ————————————————————————

    A financial prison is the worst sort of prison to be stuck in. A financial prison does not have steel bars or a prison warden. You will not get sent to financial prison for committing a crime. There is only one person that can sentence you to financial prison. That person is you.

    There are two primary types of financial prisoners:

    1. There are those in financial prison who got there because they truly did not know any better. This type eventually realizes the error of their ways and breaks free.

    2. There are those who knowingly commit themselves to financial prison. This type is well aware of the consequences of living beyond her means; but she does it anyway.

    Of course there are also those who fall somewhere in the middle, like me… (Cue dream sequence.) It all started when I was 18. The guidance counseling systems in my high school and college were either completely inadequate or I simply refused to pay attention. I can’t honestly remember which it was, though I think it was the former. Either way, I was screwed.

    Before me, no one in my family had ever been to college so I didn’t receive much advice. I was thrilled to be out of high school and ready for the next step. I took my SATs one time and applied to one school. My parents, being average folks, made just enough money to prevent me from receiving financial aid; but not enough money to be able to pay my full tuition. For me, this meant loans: “lovely” student loans from “lovely” Sallie Mae.

    My mother co-signed and it was a cinch from there. Each semester I filled out a relatively simple form and like magic, Sallie Mae sent me a check. In fact, Sallie Mae was so generous that they allowed me to take out as much “extra” money as I needed every semester. It was fantastic! Yes, I had money to pay for books, meals, and extra curricula. I also had money to go out and binge drink, buy clothes I didn’t need, designer purses, and more. Sallie Mae was wonderful to me. And the best part if it was that there was no need for discussion. No one guided me, no one advised me, and no one asked me any questions. I showed up at the financial aid office a couple of times each year and it was always smooth sailing.

    On top of that, another great thing happened when I was 18! The credit card companies started to send me applications. And that was just as easy. I got one and then another and then another. Whatever I couldn’t cover with those pretty little checks from Sallie Mae, I could simply charge on my credit cards. College was good to me. I joined a sorority, I partied hard, I shopped until I dropped. What more could a girl ask for?

    It wasn’t all fun & games though. I worked through college. I worked at a children’s camp each summer; I was a Spanish teacher for two years; and toward the end of my college career I was a bookseller at Borders bookstore. All of the money I made working was spending money for me. I had Sallie Mae and the credit cards to pay all of my “real” bills.

    When I finally graduated, I was making a cool $8.25 an hour at Borders. I loved it. I was happy… until one day, out of no where, a letter came in the mail. I had a six month grace period and then I would have to start paying back those loans. My paychecks barely covered my minimum credit card payments. How was I going to make loan payments on top of that?

    So I sat down and did something that I’d never done before. I wrote up a budget. It was horrifying when I realized that even if I’d had no other bills, my monthly wages from Borders wouldn’t even cover half of my monthly student loan payments. The jig was up.

    All told, I came out of college with about $45,000 in student loan debt and almost $15,000 in credit card debt. I hadn’t even lived on campus; I commuted from home; my parents paid for some of my tuition; and I only went to a mediocre school. How the hell was this possible?

    All of a sudden Sallie Mae and the credit card companies didn’t seem so lovely anymore. There was one thought that kept repeating over & over in my head: Why didn’t anyone warn me? I felt cheated, betrayed, angry, afraid, and helpless. I wondered what the people in the financial aid office had been doing all that time. I wondered why my high school guidance counselor didn’t press me harder about applying for scholarships or grants. I wondered a lot of things, but mostly I wondered how the hell I was going to get out of the mess.

    I started sending out resumes for jobs with starting salaries that would at least cover my monthly student loan payments. I sent out resume after resume but before long, I realized another harsh reality. That Bachelor’s Degree in English with a Creative Writing Focus wasn’t so great either. Nobody was calling me back. I couldn’t even get an interview.

    The clock was ticking. I was halfway through my grace period. Then one day, one of my best friends mentioned an opening in her office. I looked over the job description and realized that it had nothing to do with what I’d gone to school for. I didn’t even know what it actually was, but the starting salary was more than what I needed. The rest was history.

    I’ve been at my current company for almost three years now. And yesterday I paid off my last remaining credit card balance! Additionally over these few years, I’ve cut my student loan debt almost in half and by next Winter, I will have it down to a quarter of what I started with.

    Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post, where I will share how I am doing it and how you can do it, too.

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