// thoughts on thirty-two

Thoughts on Thirty-Two

DenaMay 28, 2016 // thoughts on thirty-two

I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve started this post in my head. How many poems I’ve stumbled upon, how many quotes that have passed over my lips — words that I thought might help explain how I am feeling, where I am at in my life. These thoughts that I have been dying to spill out from my fingertips, desperate as though they’re trying to escape a burning building. I wish I could sit down and pour out the contents of my heart. And yet. Here I sit, stifled. I’ve been thirty-two for more than three weeks now and I’m no closer to putting any of it into words.

Instead my days are spent in a beautiful & terrible blur of changing diapers, refereeing toddler disputes, naps (or lack thereof), long nights of comfort-nursing every ninety minutes, days of loneliness, and fear, and joy — there is always joy, still.

Here’s what I know about thirty-two, and about life. Sometimes things really do have to fall apart so that we can put them back together. That’s how life works. It’s terrifying, but it’s necessary. Everything is a choice. Every single moment, we make choices. The greatest choices that we are faced with, moment by moment are: sadness or happiness; fear or gratitude.

Recently, a friend wrote to me saying, “You look like you’re coming out of a shell, re-birthing maybe.” Yes, I am without a doubt having a period of rebirth. It’s beautiful. It’s about the most liberating thing I could ever have imagined. I feel empowered and it’s wonderful. I am also scared, afraid beyond anything that I’ve felt before in my life. But it’s right. It’s all right. Things have to fall apart so that we can put them back together.

“Long ago, God drew a circle in the sand exactly around the spot where you are standing right now. You were never not coming here.” –Hafiz

Comments (2)

  • Katherine

    May 31, 2016 at 12:58 am

    Happy, happy birthday, Dena! 🙂 What beautiful words you have in this post. May thirty-two be a wonderful and wise year for you.

    1. Dena

      June 4, 2016 at 10:49 am

      Thank you so very much, Katherine. Your kind words and your presence mean the world to me. I hope that you are doing well. xx

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