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My Boyfriend is not a Lesbian

Forward: This post has nothing to do with sexuality (homosexuality, heterosexuality, bisexuality, asexuality, or otherwise). Let’s save that for another time. This post has everything to do with labels. Please keep that in mind if you decide to leave a comment. Thank you.

You’ve probably heard me refer to Matthew by various titles. Sometimes I call him my boyfriend. Sometimes I call him my partner. Technically speaking (in the North American vernacular) he is my boyfriend. I don’t care for that title though.

I had boyfriends when I was ten years old. We did things like pass notes in class, hold hands on the playground, and go to the movie theatre to see Ace Venture Pet Detective. I also had boyfriends in high school and college. We did things like sneak out, drink beer, and attend homecoming games.

But what I have with Matthew is different. We have a home. We have three beautiful pets—Mika, Bella, & Persia. We spend holidays with each others families. And so on.

Thing is, we’re not married and we’re not even engaged. We’ve lived together for over three years. We are currently nearing the end of a two and half year home renovation project. During the construction, we didn’t have much time to talk about marriage. It was mostly a non-issue. Recently, we have talked about it as a possibility in our future, but neither of us is 100% sold on the idea. We are not particularly religious and we’ve never been the types to do something because “society” or “tradition” dictates that you should.

Still, I feel like we are a lot more than just “boyfriend & girlfriend” so I’ve taken to calling him my partner. And herein lies the problem. Apparently when I refer to him as my partner (i.e. “My partner and I are renovating our home in Northern New Jersey”) people automatically assume that “my partner” is a woman and that we are lesbians.

When I was interviewing last month, I made several references to my partner. I didn’t think anything of it until last week when my co-worker said to me, “So, Dena, are you a lesbian or what?” I thought it was funny, especially when you know what Matthew looks like. With a smile, I responded that I was not. I wasn’t insulted, but it got me thinking about labels, titles, and the power of words.

This is Matthew & I at his brother's wedding a few weeks ago.

A lot of words evoke a powerful reaction in me and I see it occur in others, too. The power that a word has over a person is influenced by: personal life experience, family values, media portrayal, and peer belief systems. In essence, what we see for ourselves, what our families teach us, what the media portrays, and what our peers believe all play a big part in determining the influence that a certain word or label will have over us.

Here are some examples of labels and words that may or may not evoke a strong reaction in you:

  • Middle Eastern
  • Islamic
  • Muslim
  • Homosexual
  • Jew
  • Conservative
  • Liberal
  • Abortion
  • Suicide
  • Black
  • Bible
  • Koran

I’ve selected these words fairly randomly based on recent conversations that I have had or heard. These are a few labels and subjects that seem to be evoking strong reactions at the present moment.

What do you feel when you read each of these words? More importantly, what do you feel when you come across a person labeled by or associated with these words? Do you make assumptions? Do you form opinions? Do you pass judgment?

Most likely you do. I know that I do, even if it is subconsciously. I consider myself an extremely open-minded, liberal, and spiritual person. I have a great faith and trust in humanity. I love all living creatures. However, when I get on an airplane and I see a Middle Eastern man in traditional garb, I take a double look. The thought “terrorist” crosses my mind. At one time, I was ashamed to admit this. But I realize now that to truly illustrate my point, it is important for you to know that we all do this sometimes.

It makes me sad that I would pass judgment on a person this way, that I would assume, and label him because of what I have seen, what the media has shown me, and so on. I do my best to rectify this, to fill my heart with light & love in the direction of the person that I fear. In all likelihood this person is a father, a son, a dedicated husband. With a heart full of love, my mind quickly moves from fear to compassion.

Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

The purpose of this post is to get you thinking. Have you ever experienced a reaction as I have? Are there other word triggers for you? Do you feel a strong reaction toward gay men? Toward black peoples? Toward something else?

Today, I encourage you to put down your judgments. Accept that we are all one. As living creatures, we are all in this together. Stop using labels to throw people into categories. Instead, give every person the chance to show you his or her true soul. Make a decision about me once you’ve gotten to know me, not once you’ve heard me call my boyfriend my partner. Because no, my boyfriend is not a lesbian. And I bet that if you fill your heart with love & compassion next time you start to judge someone, you will find that he or she is not what you “thought” either.

Give love a chance.

xo,
D.

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    Are You Oblivious, Aware, or Getting It?

    This is a guest post from my friend, Andy Feld.

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    As I travel and meet new people all over our country, it seems most everyone falls into one of the three areas mentioned in this month’s title. What am I talking about? It’s the societal evolutionary change which is now in progress, although admittedly sometimes imperceptible. It is easy to see that violence rarely leads to anything but more violence. Overt materialism, absent integrity, brings happiness and abundance to very few. Additionally, centuries of male dominated insensitive energy added to a populace unwilling to take responsibility has us at a precarious tipping point.

    So, do you sense what I say is true? Are you oblivious to these changes in the air, or are you ahead of the curve and already taking the steps necessary to not only survive, but thrive in the years to come? Frankly, I am often greeted by individuals with long faces who tell me they will be happy again when things get back to ‘normal’. Normal for many means simply getting back to a life dominated by financial gain and the purchase of new things, but those days may be long gone. Banks are not lending money, our population is increasingly unemployed or aging and dependent, houses are not selling, there seems to be an oversupply of everything and worldwide competition is greater than ever. What if today is the way things will be for the next 20-30 years or longer? What are you going to do to be happy, prosperous, and emotionally abundant?

    Make no mistake, everything is changing and just about everyone is affected. Personally, my income does not approach what I once earned as a corporate CEO, my car is not as new and shiny as it once may have been, and I visit fewer restaurants, but my life has never been more pleasant. Would you agree that now is the time to not only re-evaluate, but also re-create our lives? If so, you are GETTING IT loud and clear, but if not, let’s look into what we can do about it.

    1. We are all One, connected with a common thread of spirit. When I say WE, I mean ALL humans, animals, plant life, earth, and stars. We all are of the same source energy, and understanding and respecting this Oneness is a key to thriving in our new age. Allowing all else to be, with love and respect, and without judgment of unique individual differences will open our portals to Universal Light. One cannot mistreat another human, the earth, our vegetation, and the animals without also mistreating oneself. We are all connected and what we put forth to others is what will always come back to us.

    2. Listen to our heart, our Inner Radar as I call it in my books, without the fear of judgment from others. We are all unique and different, and learning to reach within and hear that guidance we all individually brought forth to this lifetime allows us to grow and prosper in alignment with our life’s purpose. There is no better way to accomplish this than a regular practice of meditation and contemplation.

    3. Understanding the process for manifesting our life’s dreams. It takes quite a bit of practice and self-discipline, and you may be getting tired of hearing me speak about it, but we are the product of our thoughts, emotions, words, and actions. Very little we desire will manifest without the alignment of these four elements. Believe in this, practice and have faith and you will embrace your life like never before.

    4. Learn to appreciate all that you have. From hot running water, to clothes in your closet, and food in the refrigerator, most of us have so much to be thankful for yet rarely acknowledge. The beauty of nature, our relationships, our health and the list should go on and on. Write it down and truly rejoice in how many ways you are blessed.

    5. Diligently work on balancing your male and female attributes. We are all a combination of both masculine and feminine, and the more we keep these two in balance the more we vibrate with the earth.

    Yes, everything is changing. First, become aware and then jump on board, but it will always be the choice of the individual. No one, other than you is responsible for your rescue.

    Whether it is a business, an organization, or individual, the time for changing the status quo in right now. How to go about it in this new environment is what I speak about and teach. I would love the opportunity to work with you or your group.

    With much love and appreciation,
    Andy

    ———-

    Andy lives in Morrison, Colorado outside Denver. He travels the country as a frequent speaker on life inspiration and business sales. He is also a regular guest on radio programs across the United States and on local TV.

    You can read more about Andy at his website, Simple Happy, and you can find his books on Amazon at the following links.

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