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Improve Your Listening & Communication Skills


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Fact: Human beings can understand 1200 words per minute; yet most people only speak at a rate of 300 words per minute.

Fact: Only 7% of what you say is conveyed through the words that you use.

Fact: 80% of the conversations that adults have are the wrong conversations.

Your ability to communicate is one of the most crucial elements of your self. Good communication can lead to meaningful personal and professional relationships. On the other hand, poor communication can ruin your life. Today I want to share some information that will transform the way that you communicate and if implemented properly, improve your life.

Effective listening is crucial.

Often times, when people think about the word communication, images of speaking, writing, emailing, and texting come to mind. However, giving information is not the most important aspect of communication, listening is. Becoming a great listener is the only way that you can become a great communicator.

The Rate Gap
So why is it so hard to listen anyway?

A fact that most people do not realize is that most people speak at about 300 words per minute. However, we understand and interpret at about 1200 words per minute. That leaves a 900 word blank space open in your mind. That is a huge “rate gap” between what you are actually hearing when a person speaks to you and what your mind is actually craving to hear. So how do we fill that gap? We fill it subconsciously and that is where our problems begin.

The rate gap leaves us open to boredom. Our subconscious mind starts acting for us. We fidget, play with the change in our pockets, think about other things, stare out the window, and sometimes even zone the speaker out completely. (We do lots of things subconsciously, take breathing for example. It just happens. If we had to think about breathing a lot of us probably wouldn’t be here right now!) Subconscious action is not anyone’s fault. You are not trying to be rude and the speaker is not trying to be boring. So how can you fix it? You’ve got to fill the rate gap consciously.

Next time you are listening and your mind starts to wander, be aware. Fill the gap consciously, take notes on what the other person is saying (mental or written); ask clarifying questions; observe the speaker’s body language and pay attention to your own. Making this simple change while listening will greatly improve your ability to listen. The speaker will appreciate your attention and you will retain much more of what he or she is saying. (…And we all know how important that can be when your wife is giving you a grocery list or your boss listing off tasks.) This method will improve your personal and professional relationships.

Active Listening vs. Passive Listening
There is an enormous difference between hearing and listening. A lot of people seem to think that just because you hear what a person is saying, that that implies that you are listening. That is completely wrong. Think back to your high school algebra teacher, as she was standing in front of the classroom, writing equations on the chalk board, and going on and on and on… You “heard” sound coming out of her mouth, but you did not actually “listen” (understand or interpret) a word of it.

In order to truly listen, you must actively listen. There are three important steps to active listening:

1. Paraphrase (with empathy) – Echo the speakers words and ideas. Let him or her know that you are listening and that you understand.
2. Ask clarifying questions – Ask questions that will help you to truly understand the speaker’s message.
3. Summarize – When the speaker has finished speaking, summarize what he or she has said. State the next steps if follow-up is required.

Example: If your wife has just asked you to take out the trash because her back hurts, say something like, “Thank you for making this clear to me. I am sorry that your back hurts. I will take the trash out this evening before we sit down to watch television.” Repeating what she has said will make her feel great because she will know that you were listening. The repetition of her words will also help you create a mental reminder to yourself to get the job done.

Practicing active listening will improve your personal and professional relationships by leaps and bounds.

Body Language
It’s true, when you think about every single conversation that you’ve ever had, only 7% of what you said was conveyed through the words that you used. About 55% of communication is conveyed through body language, while 38% is based on voice inflection & tone, and only a tiny 7% is conveyed through the words that we use.

Body language is hugely important. While you may not realize it as you are speaking (and listening) the things that you do with your body mean a lot more than the words that come out of your mouth. Human beings are extremely sensitive creatures. We subconsciously notice all sorts of things. Simply by crossing your arms while someone is speaking to you can alert him that you are not open to what he is saying.


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There is a lot to keep in mind when it comes to body language. Body language is a very pwerful tool in your “communication” toolbox.

Maintaining good eye contact shows that you are interested and engaged with what a person is saying.

Posture is very important. Slouching and leaning can express disinterest or frustration. Chin up and shoulders back shows attention and confidence.

Your arms are a good way to indicate your comfort in a given situation. The more open your arms, the more receptive you will seem. However, if you are a large/intimidating person, be careful that you do not come off as aggressive. And likewise if you are a small/timid person, make sure to be open enough to appear strong and capable.

Finally, pay attention to the angle of your body and the distance that you keep between yourself and others. Angling yourself toward a person shows interest. At the same time, be sure to keep a mutually comfortable distance between yourself and the other person.

Note that these rules are not set in stone and your body language should vary according to the situation. There are some excellent books on the topic should you be interested.

Your tone and inflection is also an important aspect of your body language. Avoid sarcasm (unless you know that the person is a fa
n of it). Avoid messages with hidden meanings. Simply saying what you mean and meaning what you say can be the best method for getting your point across. Remember that it is easy to remain rational in rational situations. The challenge is to remain rational in irrational situations. This takes practice, but with time and effort you can do it. When necessary, rely on the old – stay calm, breathe, count backward from ten.

You are Having the Wrong Conversations
Yes, 80% of the conversations that adults have are the wrong conversations. It happens because we try to treat problems before we diagnose them. Let’s look at an example.

You are Mary’s supervisor. Every single Friday afternoon at 3 o’clock she comes into your office and has a fit. Last week it was because the other departments were leaving colored paper in the copy machine. This week she is screaming because her coworker left coffee grinds in the coffee machine and she had to clean them up. How do you fix this problem?

a. Offer to clean up the grinds
b. Suggest creating a coffee committee
c. Ask Mary to gather herself, be an adult, and trash the grinds

Answer: None of these are correct. If you so much as mention the coffee grinds, you are having the wrong conversation. Mary has a problem. She is in your office every Friday. You can fix the coffee situation, the copier situation, and any other gripe that she may have; but she will be in your office next Friday. You’ve got to get to the heart of the problem. Perhaps Mary is feeling undervalued. Perhaps she is having problems at home and dreads the weekends. Whatever it is, get to the root and treat it.

In order to effectively communicate and have the right conversations, you’ve got to use complete messages. There are three parts to complete messages:

1. The facts. Mary is in your office every Friday. There is something bothering her and it has nothing to do with coffee grinds or copy paper.
2. The impact. Your work and mood are being effected by her tantrums. Most likely the real issue is impacting her in a major way.
3. The wants/needs. What does she want and need to resolve this situation.

By communicating with complete messages you can get to the bottom of most situations in a much more productive manner.

Change Your Life
In order to be happy and to grow, we must experience meaningful relationships – both in our personal and professional relationships. Effective communications skills will make your relationships more meaningful. Whether you are looking to improve your marriage, get promoted at work, or to become more confident around strangers – these tips will work. It will take some time and commitment, but you can do it.

If you’ve got specific questions about how you can become a better communicator or if you’ve got your own great communication tips, let me know in the comments.

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    Tired of Conflict Bringing You Down?

    Dealing With Conflict

    Conflict takes many forms—misunderstanding, frustration, ignorance, hatred, envy, and so on—but despite the cause, the result is largely the same: someone walks away with hurt feelings.

    The truth is, however, that this is not necessary. You can choose to be unaffected by conflict. It is not an easy thing to accomplish. You have, after all, lived your life believing that conflict equals pain. But with practice & patience you can learn to live above conflict in a place of true peace.

    “True peace can not be disturbed by gain or loss.”

    The reason that conflict hurts us is because we allow it to. Most pain comes from another person(s) or from our own minds. The key to being unaffected by conflict is to understand that anything that another person says to us (out of anger, frustration, etc.) is actually a reflection of her feelings about herself and is rooted in fear. Likewise, anything that our mind says to us (self-criticism, self-hatred, etc.) is also rooted in fear. All forms of discomfort—sadness, anxiety, worry, rage, hatred, envy, and so on—are rooted in fear.

    When you accept that angry words are actually reflections of fear, it makes them much less painful to tolerate. Even the angriest and most cruel of arguments is based in fear & insecurity.

    For example, you have a large project due at work. You bring it into your boss’s office an hour prior to the deadline. She notices that it is riddled with errors. Her face turns red and she begins to scream. “You idiot! How could you be so stupid? This is unacceptable. I can not believe I ever hired you. Get out!”

    On one hand, you are devastated. Her words have stung you at your core. You are insulted, sad, angry, afraid. But if you really stop to analyze the situation, why do you think she acted this way? Most likely, she is afraid. Most likely, she is terrified about the way that your “failure” is going to reflect on her. After all, wasn’t it her who hired you, gave you this assignment, failed to give you proper instruction, and so on? What will her boss think when she turns this project into him? Her explosion was based in fear.

    Another example, it is Saturday afternoon and you are sitting on the couch. Your husband comes in the door and notices that you have not swept the floors. He begins to speak angrily, “Haven’t you swept the floors? Didn’t you see this dirt? You’ve been so lazy recently.” You are crushed and devastated. How could he be so mean? But then again, you stop and analyze. The lawn is not mowed, the gutters are uncleaned, there are piles of crap strewn about the yard. Your husband is insecure about all of his unfinished chores and is projecting his self-frustration onto you. His remarks were based in fear and insecurity.

    If you take the time to truly analyze, you will find that almost every conflict is rooted in fear. Therefore, the vast majority of hurtful things that are ever said to you actually have absolutely nothing to do with you. This is an incredibly liberating concept (not to be confused with the rare scenario when you are actually wrong by the way). Still, just because the other person’s (or even your own self-inflicted) anger is based in fear, that still doesn’t make it right. Yes, perhaps both your boss and your husband were entirely out of line. It is alright for you to tell them so, but what is more important is the way that you process the conflict within yourself.

    Most people internalize the conflict. In any case, you take what was said and push it deep within yourself. Perhaps you believe the other person words. “Yes, I am lazy, stupid, ugly, etc.” The conflict turns into emotional pain and festers within you eventually becoming depression, anxiety, and so on. But as I mentioned at the start, none of that is necessary.

    You must accept the conflict (words) for what they are—someone else’s (or even your own mind’s) fears and insecurities. Fear is nothing to be afraid of or affected by. Most fear is completely unnecessary (read more about that).

    After the conflict, words, and judgments have passed, simply allow all of it to pass through and around you like water or air. Understand that it is something outside of you, that has nothing to do with you at all. It is not inside of you, it did not come from you, and you do not have to absorb it. Simply let it pass and then move on.

    Holding onto the pain of conflict is insane and unnatural. What do the birds do after the great storm has passed? They sing, of course! You will never hear the birds singing so sweetly and so loudly as they do after the storm has passed and the sun shines again. They do not mourn the broken nest, the wet feathers, or the lost supper. They simply sing and praise the light in gratitude. They rejoice that the sun has come again.

    In his book, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, Eckhart Tolle talks about his observation of duck fights. Two ducks approach one another. They squawk in anger for mere seconds. Then they turn away from one another, flap their great wings a few times, and swim on as if it never happened. This is true wisdom, true peace, in action. There is so much that we can learn from this simple observation.

    There is really no need to hold onto anger or discomfort. There is really no need to suffer. In life, you will find many reason to suffer. But a good reason to suffer, you will never find. Let conflicts pass through and around you. Do not hold onto them. You will almost always find that it never has anything to do with you anyway.

4 Comments

  1. Great post Dena! People definitely underestimate listening and communication when it's one of the single most important things in your life.

    If we want to be successful, we've got to talk to people. If we want to build relationships, we've got to listen. There's a saying that goes something like "There's a reason why we have two ears and mouth: Listen twice as much as you talk."

    Overall, you shared some great information. I especially liked your tips on body language as that's something that is very underestimated as well. It works mostly unconsciously but is super powerful.

    Deserves a RT 😉

    Reply

  2. Dena, you make some good points, especially about active listening and engagaing in the wrong conversations.

    Some of the body language tips the ezine article links to are hoplessly inaccurate though.

    The whole purpose with body language is establishing a baseline because we are all different.

    For example, many people actually have a tendency to make eye contact more when they are lying in an attempt to seem sincere. Some people naturally cross their arms even when they are not being defensive and some very sincere people find it physically painful to maintain eye contact.

    If you don't know how somebody already reacts in any given sitaution, trying to read their body langauge from scratch is incredibly hit and miss even for 'experts'

    Your post was way better than the one you linked to btw.

    Reply

  3. I just tried to retweet this article (which is very good by the way) using the TweetMeme button.

    It didn't work!

    I'm not sure why, but you should know in case someone else has a problem too.

    Reply

  4. @Mike – Thank you so much! I am really glad that you enjoyed the post. Communication is so important and it's really good for us to brush up on our "skills" once in awhile. 🙂

    @Tim – Thanks so much for the feedback. After your comments, I decided it was necessary to make a few edits. I think it's much better know. Hope you'll agree!

    @Dave – Hmm.. I just tested it out and it seemed to go through. I also see that there were 8 RTs. I am thinking that maybe the service was down for a minute. I hope it's back up.

    Thanks so much for trying to share the post. I really appreciate it.

    Reply

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