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The Ultimate Self-Love Post: Just Be What You Are

dreams hopes rhino treadmill unicorn

We are born with only one obligation—to be completely who we are. Yet how much of our time is spent comparing ourselves to others? —Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening

  • Exhaustion
  • Sadness
  • Confusion
  • Hopelessness
  • Helplessness
  • Fear
  • Anger
  • Loneliness
  • Desperation
  • Emptiness

How often do you experience these emotions?

Before I go any further, let me say this: This post is not an advertisement for an anti-depressant. It is not a sales pitch for my latest product. I am not trying to sell you something. I am asking you these questions because I know why you feel these emotions, because I feel them too. It is not something that we can cure with a pill, a book, a diet, or any other quick, meaningless fix. We experience these emotions—from exhaustion to hopelessness—for two reasons:

  1. Self-hatred
  2. Misaligned values.

In this post, I will discuss these two painful, and unnecessary, states of being and I will let you know how you can begin to overcome the emotional pain that these states are causing you.

That’s right, no more exhaustion, sadness, confusion, hopelessness, helplessness, fear, anger, loneliness, desperation, and emptiness. While you might feel these emotions from time to time, I am going to give you the power & awareness to overcome them. When you recognize the root of the problem—self-hatred and misaligned values—you take the power away from the pain.

We Are Living a Lie

The Physical: Self-Hatred
The image of the rhinoceros & the unicorn at the top of this post is adorable. It’s also heart-breaking. As much as it made me think, Aw! It also made me think, Ouch! My soul sunk a little because it’s so true. It’s the perfect depiction of our society—millions of people living in self-hatred, self-loathing, and despair because we want to be someone, something, anything else than what & who we are.

There are all sorts of theories about why society has this problem; why 1 in 8 teens suffer from depression; why suicide rates are at an all-time high in so many places. I don’t claim to have the answer or to know what the cause is. But I do know that for many of us, self-hatred and misaligned values are at the root of the problem.

Today, society teaches us that we are not good enough. The media is pumped full of deception and we no longer know what is real. Our definitions of beauty are entirely based on airbrushing. Yes, airbrushing. What we see on the covers of magazines and splattered across web pages are airbrushed, unreal images. We mentally digest these images, accept them as beautiful, and thereby our entire definition of reality is skewed. We want to be beautiful, and because airbrushed is beautiful, we want to be airbrushed.

Well, I am sorry, but I have to break something to you. It’s not possible. You can hit the gym every day, eat like a bird, have plastic surgery, and do the works—but you are never going to be airbrushed. Wake-up call: airbrushing is something that happens on a computer in a program called Photoshop!

Example:

Faith Hill Photoshopped

In the first image, we see a beautiful woman—natural & lovely in her own way. In the second image, we see a catastrophe—her arm has been photo-shopped into a twig; the bit of her back spilling from her dress has been erased; the gorgeous smile-lines beneath her eyes have been smoothed out; the whites of her eyes have been enhanced to glow like a light bulb.

Men are affected by this trend, too. Magazines & Hollywood would have us believe that every man has washboard abs and a perfect complexion.

Example:

Photoshopped Man

These images of beautiful people being morphed into flawless cartoon characters is simply bizarre. But, sadly, if we didn’t have the two images side-by-side (as above), we would never even question it! We have been so trained to accept such editing, that we digest it with ease. We accept it as beauty. We have grown accustomed to a monstrous, crippling lie.

The Material: Misaligned Values
As much as we are told what we should look like; we are also being told what we should live like. Our values are being assigned to us. We are taught that if we do not have nice things—a nice car, expensive clothes, a big house, glittering jewelry, and money to blow—then we are not successful or attractive or good enough.

Watching television or flipping through magazines, might lead one to the conclusion that our society values nothing more than money, sex, and violence. And so these values are passed on to all of us. We begin to believe that if we do not value these things, then there must be something wrong with us. So we accept them.

We force ourselves to value them too.

We live far beyond our means.

We pay $100 a month for cable and subscribe to 300 channels full of garbage. (And even if all of the programs aren’t garbage the advertisements are!)

We buy a car and a house that we can not afford.

We get an education that we can not afford.

Then we spend our lives swimming in the cesspool of debt that we’ve created all because we wanted to be somebody else; and to live somebody else’s definition of success & beauty & happiness! It was always a lie—a lie that advertisers told us so that we would spend money that we didn’t have and buy things to make ourselves feel good. But it all went too far. At some point in the last fifty years, something broke. It went from advertising to reality and half the population got sucked in and completely screwed up.

It’s Okay to Be You

It’s overwhelming, all of it, I know. It overwhelms me, too. But I am working my way out of it. I have been working my way out of it for a few years now. That is what this blog is really all about it. I’ve just never come out with it in this way. I don’t want to be brash or controversial. I don’t want to ruffle feathers. I just feel like this needs to be said.

Beautiful You: Let Go of Self-Hatred
It’s okay to be you. It’s time to set aside everything that you know about what you are supposed to be. It’s time to put away the self-hatred and replace it with self-love. You have to learn to love yourself unconditionally. All of the things that you were told made you different are actually the things that make you beautiful.

Yes. Your ugly toes are beautiful. Your big nose is beautiful. Your flat hair is beautiful. Your pale skin is beautiful. The blemishes on your face are beautiful. The extra skin on your stomach is beautiful. Your crooked teeth are beautiful. All of these things are you, beautifully, perfectly you. There is an entire world of people out here—me included—who think that you are the most beautiful creature to grace the face of this earth. You are so beautiful because you are you and there is no one else exactly like you in the world.

I know how hard it is to accept this. I know that you’ve spent a lifetime hating those ugly toes, those facial blemishes, and those crooked teeth—but it’s time to let go. Let go and let love. Whoever made you believe that there was something ugly about you was a liar. Stop believing the lies and start accepting the truth. You are perfect.

Wonderful You: Realign Your Values
Despite what the television and the magazines show us, the truth is that money, sex, and violence are not at the top of our values lists. Sure, these things are important. (Who doesn’t love money and sex?) But in our true hearts, we are complex and beautiful creatures. If you search deep within yourself, you will find that the values that society has been forcing down your throat are not at all what you really desire. Take a look at this list of values:

  • Love
  • Honesty
  • Compassion
  • Dedication
  • Hard work
  • Generosity
  • Freedom
  • Excitement
  • Adventure
  • Passion
  • Creativity
  • Competition
  • Kindness
  • Simplicity

Do any of these values elicit a response from your soul? If the answer is yes, you may be living a life that is completely misaligned with your true values. And if you are, then of course your entire life is plagued with sadness, anger, fear, and so on. In order to feel better and begin living happiness, you must align your life & your actions with your values.

Stop doing what somebody else told you you should do. Start doing what you feel in your heart. Start living your values. You do not have to work a job to make someone else feel comfortable with what they perceive as your level of success. You do not have to live in a house that you can not afford because you’re worried about how you appear to others. You do not have to starve yourself because you want to fit somebody else’s definition of beauty.

If you value love & compassion, get out into your community and help those in need. If you value creativity & adventure, quit your desk job and become an adventurer. If you value freedom & simplicity, get yourself out of debt and move to the countryside. There is no limit to the ways in which you can change your life. You can start right now. Where ever you are, no matter how hopeless it may seem, there is a way out. There is a path to happiness for you. You just have to stop the self-hatred and begin to align your life with your values.

7 Ways to Get Started Now

All of this motivation sounds wonderful in theory, but I know how difficult it can be to get started. If you’ve been living in a state of hopelessness for awhile, then you’re probably feeling overwhelmed right now. The best thing that you can do is start slowly and re-read this post whenever you need to. (Printing it will probably help!) Here are a few ideas to get you started. Click the number beside each idea to read more.

1. Create a daily mantra. 1 and 2

2. Practice minimalism. 1 and 2

3. Stop watching television.

4. Practice visualization. 1

5. Get out of debt. 1 and 2

6. Stop over-thinking. 1

7. Fake it til you make it. 1

8. Practice kindness & love. Let go of all judgment. We are born loving ourselves & loving each other. Work your way back to that place.

babies

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    3 Simple Changes That Will Save Your Life

    This post could save your life. These 3 simple lifestyle changes saved mine. Today I am going to simply share facts with you. These facts (if you let them) will dramatically improve your quality of life. Making these changes can even increase your life span.

    1. Stop Smoking

    FACTS: According to the American Heart Association, cigarette smoking is the most important preventable cause of premature death in the United States, accounting for 440,000 of the more than 2.4 million annual deaths.

    Cigarette smoking causes lung cancer. In fact, smoking tobacco is the major risk factor for lung cancer. In the United States, about 90% of lung cancer deaths in men and almost 80% of lung cancer deaths in women are due to smoking. People who smoke are 10 to 20 times more likely to get lung cancer or die from lung cancer than people who do not smoke. The longer a person smokes and the more cigarettes smoked each day, the more risk goes up.

    Smoking also causes cancer of the voice box (larynx), mouth and throat, esophagus, bladder, kidney, pancreas, cervix, and stomach, and causes acute myeloid leukemia. Source.

    FACTS: One year after passing smoking bans, communities in North America and Europe had 17 percent fewer heart attacks compared to communities without smoking restrictions, and the number of heart attacks kept decreasing with time, according to a report in Circulation: Journal of the American Heart Association. Source.

    FACTS: If you quit smoking, you will:

    1. Prolong your life. According to the American Heart Association, smokers who quit between ages 35-39 add an average of 6-9 years to their lives. Smokers who quit between ages 65-69 increase their life expectancy by 1 – 4 years.

    2. Reduce your risk of cardiovascular disease. Quitting smoking reduces the risk of repeat heart attacks and death from heart disease by 50 percent or more. Quitting smoking also reduces your risk of high blood pressure, peripheral artery disease and stroke.

    3. Reduce your risk of developing a variety of other conditions including diabetes, lung cancer, throat cancer, emphysema, chronic bronchitis, chronic asthma, ulcers, gum disease and many other conditions.

    4. Feel healthier. After quitting, you won’t cough as much, have as many sore throats and you will increase your energy.

    5. Look and feel better. Quitting can help you prevent face wrinkles, get rid of stained teeth, improve your skin and even get rid of the stale smell in your clothes and hair.

    6. Improve your sense of taste and smell.

    7. Save money. Source.

    FACTS: What Happens When You Quit:

    After 20 minutes
    o You stop polluting the air
    o Your blood pressure and pulse decrease
    o The temperature of your hands and feet increases

    After 8 hours
    o The carbon monoxide level in your blood returns to normal
    o Oxygen levels in your blood increase

    After 24 hours
    o Your risk of heart attack decreases

    After 48 hours
    o Nerve endings adjust to the absence of nicotine
    o Your ability to taste and smell begin to return

    After 2 weeks to 3 months
    o Your circulation improves
    o Your exercise tolerance improves

    After 1 – 9 months
    o Coughing, sinus congestion, fatigue and shortness of breath decrease
    o Your overall energy level increases

    After 1 year
    o Your risk of heart disease decreases to half that of a current smoker

    After 5 – 15 years
    o Your risk of stroke is reduced to that of people who have never smoked

    After 10 years
    o Your risk of dying from lung cancer drops to almost the same rate as a lifelong non- smoker
    o You decrease the incidence of other cancers — of the mouth, larynx, esophagus, bladder, kidney and pancreas

    After 15 years
    o Your risk of heart disease is reduced to that of people who have never smoked

    If you smoke again (called a relapse) do not lose hope. Seventy-five percent of those who quit relapse. Most smokers quit three times before they are successful. If you relapse, don’t give up! Review the reasons why you wanted to become a nonsmoker. Plan ahead and think about what you will do next time you get the urge to smoke. Source.

    2. Maintain a Healthy Body Weight

    QUESTION: How many people get cancer by being overweight or obese? How many die?

    FACTS: In 2002, about 41,000 new cases of cancer in the United States were estimated to be due to obesity. This means that about 3.2 percent of all new cancers are linked to obesity.

    A recent report estimated that, in the United States, 14 percent of deaths from cancer in men and 20 percent of deaths in women were due to overweight and obesity.

    Colon cancer occurs more frequently in people who are obese than in those of a healthy weight. An increased risk of colon cancer has been consistently reported for men with high BMIs.
    Source.

    FACTS: Research has shown that as weight increases to reach the levels referred to as “overweight” and “obesity,” the risks for the following conditions also increases:

    * Coronary heart disease
    * Type 2 diabetes
    * Cancers (endometrial, breast, and colon)
    * Hypertension (high blood pressure)
    * Dyslipidemia (for example, high total cholesterol or high levels of triglycerides)
    * Stroke
    * Liver and Gallbladder disease
    * Sleep apnea and respiratory problems
    * Osteoarthritis (a degeneration of cartilage and its underlying bone within a joint)
    * Gynecological problems (abnormal menses, infertility) Source.

    3. Eat Whole Foods, Not Processed

    FACTS: The statistics are alarming:

    – One in three people will get cancer at some time in their life

    – Heart disease is the leading cause of death

    – Poor nutrition and physical inactivity together are the second
    actual cause of preventable death in the United States

    On the other hand new evidence shows that:

    – Eating five or more fruits and vegetables per day cuts cancer
    risk in half

    – People who eat more fruits and vegetables have a 30% lower risk
    of premature heart attack than people who eat a few

    – About 25% fewer strokes are projected for adults who eat 8 or
    more servings of fruits and vegetables per day

    – Fruits and vegetables may help keep blood sugar down and control diabetes.” Source.

    FACTS: Processed meat consumption results in 67% increase in pancreatic cancer risk.
    Source.

    FACTS: Inorganic phosphates are found in a variety of processed foods, including meats, cheeses, beverages and bakery products. They are added to increase water retention and improve food texture. Studies suggests a diet high in inorganic phosphates could speed growth of cancerous tumors and contribute to the development of tumors in those predisposed to the disease. Source.

    FACTS: Carcinogens in foods that may be naturally-occurring, caused by preparing or cooking certain foods, or added to it, include safrole, estragole and benzene. Processed foods such as sausages, bacon and canned meats contain high amounts of the preservative nitrite, another known carcinogen. Other carcinogens to look for in food products include:

    * acetaldehyde
    * acetamide
    * azo color and compounds
    * benzidine
    * bis (2-Chloromethyl) ether
    * cadmium
    * chlorinated parraffin waxes
    * 3,3-dichlorobenzidine
    * dichloromethane
    * hexachlorobenzene
    * polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons
    * polychlorinated dibenzodioxins
    * polychlorinated dibenzofurans
    * sillica
    * trichloroethylene

    Though it is impossible to avoid every known carcinogen, to decrease risk of cancers and other illnesses, a balanced diet with more unprocessed, whole foods can decrease risk of some cancers and other diseases such as type two diabetes and heart disease. Source.

    FACTS: Nutrients in Whole Foods that Protect Against Cancer:

    1. Vitamin A: Strengthens the immune system. Essential for mineral metabolism and endocrine function. Helps detoxify. True vitamin A is found only in animal foods such as cod liver oil; fish and shellfish; and liver, butter and egg yolks from pasture-fed animals. Traditional diets contained ten times more vitamin A than the typical modern American diet.

    2. Vitamin C: An important antioxidant that prevents damage by free radicals. Found in many fruits and vegetables but also in certain organ meats valued by primitive peoples.

    3. Vitamin B6: Deficiencies are associated with cancer. Contributes to the function of over 100 enzymes. Most available from animal foods.

    4. Vitamin B12: Deficiencies are associated with cancer. Found only in animal foods.

    5. Vitamin B17: Protects against cancer. Found in a variety of organically grown grains, legumes, nuts and berries.

    6. Vitamin D: Required for mineral absorption. Strongly protective against breast and colon cancer. Found only in animal foods such as cod liver oil, lard, shellfish and butterfat, organ meats and egg yolks from grass-fed animals. Traditional diets contained ten times more vitamin D than the typical modern American diet.

    7. Vitamin E: Works as an antioxidant at the cellular level. Found in unprocessed oils as well as in animal fats like butter and egg yolks.

    8. Conjugated Linoleic Acid (CLA): Strongly protective against breast cancer. Found in the butterfat and meat fat of grass-fed ruminant animals.

    9. Cholesterol: A potent antioxidant that protects against free radicals in cell membranes. Found only in animal foods.

    10. Minerals: The body needs generous amounts of a wide variety of minerals to protect itself against cancer. Minerals like zinc, magnesium and selenium are vital components of enzymes that help the body fight carcinogens. Minerals are more easily absorbed from animal foods.

    11. Lactic Acid and Friendly Bacteria: Contribute to the health of the digestive tract. Found in old fashioned lacto-fermented foods.

    12. Saturated Fats: Strengthen the immune system. Needed for proper use of the essential fatty acids. The lungs cannot function without saturated fats. Found mostly in animal foods.

    13. Long-Chain Fatty Acids: Arachidonic acid (AA), eicosapentaenoic acid (EPA) and docosahexaenoic acid (DHA) help fight cancer on the cellular level. They are found mostly in animal foods such as butter, organ meats, cod liver oil and seafood.

    14. Co-enzyme Q10: Highly protective against cancer. Found only in animal foods. Source.

    In closing: I truly hope that you will begin living these simple lifestyle changes. If you are non-smoker, not obese, and already eating whole foods, then I challenge you to help to spread this message to as many people as you can. All of the suffering and the disease mentioned above is not necessary. It can be prevented.

8 Comments

  1. I really love this; such simple ideas are the most difficult to truly embrace and embody in our own lives, but it is definitely possible to love yourself and reject unrealistic expectations. There are so many bigger fish to fry in this world.

    Reply

    1. @ Kristin – Exactlyyyyy! Bigger fish to fry. I feel like when we can take the focus off of those unrealistic/irrational/unnecessary expectations & judgments — we become capable of intense beauty, wonder, & magic in our lives. It’s all about self-love.

      Reminds me of this Rumi quote I’ve always loved:

      Why are you so enchanted by this world
      when a mine of gold lies within you?

      @ Andra – Your comment makes me want to cry (happy tears). Knowing that these words touched you in some way, this way, means everything to me. I put these words out here from the depths of my heart&soul with a prayer that they will impact someone in a positive way. To hear that this moved you — my precious friend — is a dream come true.

      Many thanks.

      Reply

  2. Dena, I read this post early this morning, and it has stayed with me all day. What rich truths you give us, all in the conciseness of one blog post. For me, it is always a struggle to be happy with myself, to not compete with others, but those energies are such wastes. All that does is keep me from focusing on what matters. Thank you for a positive breakdown that I can return to again and again.

    Reply

  3. Sometimes the “easy” list isn’t quite enough. Life never truly changed for me until I closed my eyes and plunged into the career I’d been chasing, but never catching hold of, my entire life. This wasn’t an easy decision, and it was (and still is!) a lot of hard work. But the happiness it elicited is well worth all of that and more.

    Although it sounds harsh, “stop making excuses” is probably one of the most beneficial changes anyone can make for their own happiness!

    Reply

    1. @ Danielle – Amen to “stop making excuses!” It truly is the number one reason why people do not succeed. We make excuses and worse yet we believe them. Every time I do a speaking engagement (no matter what the topic) I talk about excuses and how awful they are.

      When we can accept that excuses are LIES, not FACTS — we can begin to move forward & make progress.

      Reply

  4. Great post, Dena. I’m behind on my RSS feed, ha. I love that picture at the top – it’s so adorable, but you’re right… it is very symbolic of our culture.

    Reply

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