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The Ultimate Self-Love Post: Just Be What You Are

dreams hopes rhino treadmill unicorn

We are born with only one obligation—to be completely who we are. Yet how much of our time is spent comparing ourselves to others? —Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening

  • Exhaustion
  • Sadness
  • Confusion
  • Hopelessness
  • Helplessness
  • Fear
  • Anger
  • Loneliness
  • Desperation
  • Emptiness

How often do you experience these emotions?

Before I go any further, let me say this: This post is not an advertisement for an anti-depressant. It is not a sales pitch for my latest product. I am not trying to sell you something. I am asking you these questions because I know why you feel these emotions, because I feel them too. It is not something that we can cure with a pill, a book, a diet, or any other quick, meaningless fix. We experience these emotions—from exhaustion to hopelessness—for two reasons:

  1. Self-hatred
  2. Misaligned values.

In this post, I will discuss these two painful, and unnecessary, states of being and I will let you know how you can begin to overcome the emotional pain that these states are causing you.

That’s right, no more exhaustion, sadness, confusion, hopelessness, helplessness, fear, anger, loneliness, desperation, and emptiness. While you might feel these emotions from time to time, I am going to give you the power & awareness to overcome them. When you recognize the root of the problem—self-hatred and misaligned values—you take the power away from the pain.

We Are Living a Lie

The Physical: Self-Hatred
The image of the rhinoceros & the unicorn at the top of this post is adorable. It’s also heart-breaking. As much as it made me think, Aw! It also made me think, Ouch! My soul sunk a little because it’s so true. It’s the perfect depiction of our society—millions of people living in self-hatred, self-loathing, and despair because we want to be someone, something, anything else than what & who we are.

There are all sorts of theories about why society has this problem; why 1 in 8 teens suffer from depression; why suicide rates are at an all-time high in so many places. I don’t claim to have the answer or to know what the cause is. But I do know that for many of us, self-hatred and misaligned values are at the root of the problem.

Today, society teaches us that we are not good enough. The media is pumped full of deception and we no longer know what is real. Our definitions of beauty are entirely based on airbrushing. Yes, airbrushing. What we see on the covers of magazines and splattered across web pages are airbrushed, unreal images. We mentally digest these images, accept them as beautiful, and thereby our entire definition of reality is skewed. We want to be beautiful, and because airbrushed is beautiful, we want to be airbrushed.

Well, I am sorry, but I have to break something to you. It’s not possible. You can hit the gym every day, eat like a bird, have plastic surgery, and do the works—but you are never going to be airbrushed. Wake-up call: airbrushing is something that happens on a computer in a program called Photoshop!

Example:

Faith Hill Photoshopped

In the first image, we see a beautiful woman—natural & lovely in her own way. In the second image, we see a catastrophe—her arm has been photo-shopped into a twig; the bit of her back spilling from her dress has been erased; the gorgeous smile-lines beneath her eyes have been smoothed out; the whites of her eyes have been enhanced to glow like a light bulb.

Men are affected by this trend, too. Magazines & Hollywood would have us believe that every man has washboard abs and a perfect complexion.

Example:

Photoshopped Man

These images of beautiful people being morphed into flawless cartoon characters is simply bizarre. But, sadly, if we didn’t have the two images side-by-side (as above), we would never even question it! We have been so trained to accept such editing, that we digest it with ease. We accept it as beauty. We have grown accustomed to a monstrous, crippling lie.

The Material: Misaligned Values
As much as we are told what we should look like; we are also being told what we should live like. Our values are being assigned to us. We are taught that if we do not have nice things—a nice car, expensive clothes, a big house, glittering jewelry, and money to blow—then we are not successful or attractive or good enough.

Watching television or flipping through magazines, might lead one to the conclusion that our society values nothing more than money, sex, and violence. And so these values are passed on to all of us. We begin to believe that if we do not value these things, then there must be something wrong with us. So we accept them.

We force ourselves to value them too.

We live far beyond our means.

We pay $100 a month for cable and subscribe to 300 channels full of garbage. (And even if all of the programs aren’t garbage the advertisements are!)

We buy a car and a house that we can not afford.

We get an education that we can not afford.

Then we spend our lives swimming in the cesspool of debt that we’ve created all because we wanted to be somebody else; and to live somebody else’s definition of success & beauty & happiness! It was always a lie—a lie that advertisers told us so that we would spend money that we didn’t have and buy things to make ourselves feel good. But it all went too far. At some point in the last fifty years, something broke. It went from advertising to reality and half the population got sucked in and completely screwed up.

It’s Okay to Be You

It’s overwhelming, all of it, I know. It overwhelms me, too. But I am working my way out of it. I have been working my way out of it for a few years now. That is what this blog is really all about it. I’ve just never come out with it in this way. I don’t want to be brash or controversial. I don’t want to ruffle feathers. I just feel like this needs to be said.

Beautiful You: Let Go of Self-Hatred
It’s okay to be you. It’s time to set aside everything that you know about what you are supposed to be. It’s time to put away the self-hatred and replace it with self-love. You have to learn to love yourself unconditionally. All of the things that you were told made you different are actually the things that make you beautiful.

Yes. Your ugly toes are beautiful. Your big nose is beautiful. Your flat hair is beautiful. Your pale skin is beautiful. The blemishes on your face are beautiful. The extra skin on your stomach is beautiful. Your crooked teeth are beautiful. All of these things are you, beautifully, perfectly you. There is an entire world of people out here—me included—who think that you are the most beautiful creature to grace the face of this earth. You are so beautiful because you are you and there is no one else exactly like you in the world.

I know how hard it is to accept this. I know that you’ve spent a lifetime hating those ugly toes, those facial blemishes, and those crooked teeth—but it’s time to let go. Let go and let love. Whoever made you believe that there was something ugly about you was a liar. Stop believing the lies and start accepting the truth. You are perfect.

Wonderful You: Realign Your Values
Despite what the television and the magazines show us, the truth is that money, sex, and violence are not at the top of our values lists. Sure, these things are important. (Who doesn’t love money and sex?) But in our true hearts, we are complex and beautiful creatures. If you search deep within yourself, you will find that the values that society has been forcing down your throat are not at all what you really desire. Take a look at this list of values:

  • Love
  • Honesty
  • Compassion
  • Dedication
  • Hard work
  • Generosity
  • Freedom
  • Excitement
  • Adventure
  • Passion
  • Creativity
  • Competition
  • Kindness
  • Simplicity

Do any of these values elicit a response from your soul? If the answer is yes, you may be living a life that is completely misaligned with your true values. And if you are, then of course your entire life is plagued with sadness, anger, fear, and so on. In order to feel better and begin living happiness, you must align your life & your actions with your values.

Stop doing what somebody else told you you should do. Start doing what you feel in your heart. Start living your values. You do not have to work a job to make someone else feel comfortable with what they perceive as your level of success. You do not have to live in a house that you can not afford because you’re worried about how you appear to others. You do not have to starve yourself because you want to fit somebody else’s definition of beauty.

If you value love & compassion, get out into your community and help those in need. If you value creativity & adventure, quit your desk job and become an adventurer. If you value freedom & simplicity, get yourself out of debt and move to the countryside. There is no limit to the ways in which you can change your life. You can start right now. Where ever you are, no matter how hopeless it may seem, there is a way out. There is a path to happiness for you. You just have to stop the self-hatred and begin to align your life with your values.

7 Ways to Get Started Now

All of this motivation sounds wonderful in theory, but I know how difficult it can be to get started. If you’ve been living in a state of hopelessness for awhile, then you’re probably feeling overwhelmed right now. The best thing that you can do is start slowly and re-read this post whenever you need to. (Printing it will probably help!) Here are a few ideas to get you started. Click the number beside each idea to read more.

1. Create a daily mantra. 1 and 2

2. Practice minimalism. 1 and 2

3. Stop watching television.

4. Practice visualization. 1

5. Get out of debt. 1 and 2

6. Stop over-thinking. 1

7. Fake it til you make it. 1

8. Practice kindness & love. Let go of all judgment. We are born loving ourselves & loving each other. Work your way back to that place.

babies

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    How to Overcome Fear & Stop Resisting

    “To offer no resistance to life is to be in a state of grace, ease, and lightness.” —Eckhart Tolle

    Stop resisting the will of the Universe. I’ve said this to myself thousands of times. It is perhaps one of the most powerful tools that has led me to peace of mind.

    In the past four years, I overcame depression, anxiety, and I lost sixty pounds. When you overcome a lifetime of anxiety & depression, a lot of things change. For one thing, you begin to enjoy life. Simple things that you hadn’t noticed before fill your heart with joy—Spring, a cold glass of water on a hot day, a good workout, a kind word, a smile. When you are overcome by the effects of anxiety & depression, you do not have time to notice these simple pleasures. (They are often overshadowed by the negative, irrational thoughts swarming inside of your head.)

    Happiness begets happiness, as I like to say. However, even in my increased state of happiness, I knew that something still wasn’t right. It took me awhile to realize what it was. Only after months of careful self-observation did I realize what was happening.

    A hard day at work = I was disgusted, angry, plagued by head aches.
    A frustrating experience at a car dealership = I was furious.
    An upcoming flight and travel arrangements = I was anxious, worried, sick to my stomach.

    I was continually allowing my mind to make me angry, sick, sad, frustrated, etc. Yet, after each of these experiences I learned some valuable lesson or something really important & meaningful happened as a result.

    Hard days at work always lead me to clarity about how myself and my team could be more efficient.
    The frustrating experience at the car dealership actually prevented me from making a terrible mistake and purchasing the wrong car.
    Recent travel and trips have brought me incredible successes in my personal & professional life.

    Upon observing all of this, it hit me. Even when things seemed terrible, even when I was really upset, eventually the pain of the situation would subside. Moreover, I would come out on the other side wiser, stronger, and grateful. Every thing that happened (happens) to me is a direct result of the will of the Universe (you can call that God, fate, destiny, or any other name you’d like to give it, no matter). Yes, every thing that happens is a direct result of the will of the Universe and an opportunity to learn and grow. In order to live true happiness, I had to stop resisting the will of the Universe. Once I did this, my life changed in incredible (and previously unimaginable) ways. When I stop resisting and simply “go with the flow” I find that I am constantly filled with a deep calmness in my soul. I do not worry or suffer. I simply exist and let all scenarios play themselves out. I understand that even pain is necessary and that ultimately it will carry me to a place of light & peace.

    Fear is Unnecessary

    At the root of every single feeling of discomfort, lies one emotion: fear. Fear is the emotion responsible for all forms of suffering. Sadness, anxiety, worry, rage, hatred, envy, and all other forms of suffering are rooted in fear. However, once you stop resisting the will of the Universe, you will understand that fear and suffering are actually not necessary at all.

    The vast majority of fear and suffering is a result of living in an unreal world and/or allowing negative, irrational thoughts to control our minds. The unreal world is the world of sky rise buildings, electricity, paper money, McDonald’s, television, marketing, vanity surgery, reality TV, etc. The real world is the world of trees, dirt, sun, stars, wind, rain, whole foods, self-love, generosity, family, love, etc. Can you see the difference? Once you remove yourself from the suffocating chains of the unreal world, and begin living in the real world, you will find that most of the fears that you experience are completely unnecessary. The vast majority of anxieties that we suffer from are made-up.

    – fear of judgment
    – fear of failure
    – fear of humiliation
    – fear of public speaking
    – fear of making a mistake
    – fear of travel
    – fear of forgetting something
    – fear of being alone and so on

    Once you realize that these fears are made-up in the unreal world, they can hold no power over you. All of the above are irrational anxieties. None of those things would actually put your life in danger or expose you to any harm. The only place that they can affect you is in your head. But you must remember that you have control over what goes on in your head! You can use cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to end the suffering.

    Eventually, you will realize that true fear might have a place in your life, but that is only when you are truly in danger. Perhaps while being chased by a bear or masked murderer, while falling from a cliff, etc. Yes, in those instances, your fear is justified and it can help you by creating adrenaline, increased strength, quicker reflexes and cognitive ability. But other than those “real” true fear situations, there is really no need for fear and certainly no need for emotional suffering.

    Live Without Resistance or Fear

    Once you learn to stop resisting the will of the Universe and to live without fear, you will experience an entirely new & improved sort of living. You will find that all of the things that you once desired, but were afraid to seek, are actually within your reach. For example, I was emotionally crippled by irrational anxiety for the first half of my life. This made it impossible for me to speak in front of people. I could not ask a question in a class of twenty, let alone get up in front of a group of people to speak. My anxiety over public speaking was so great, that it crippled me. I once experienced a debilitating panic attack at a dinner party of five family friends! But… that is ancient history.

    Now, my former self is hardly recognizable. I have spoken in front of groups of sixty people or more with grace and confidence. I know that my fear is irrational & unnecessary, so I overcome it. Sure, my heart rate may increase, I might sweat a bit—but I do not let it stop me! I remind myself that that the fear is not real and I move forward to success.

    You are entirely capable of achieving the same same sort of success in your own life—personal & professional. Whatever your fear is, you can overcome it.

    “You’ll seldom experience regret for anything that you’ve done. It is what you haven’t done that will torment you.” —Wayne Dyer

    To allow fear to rule your life, is not to live at all. So stop resisting the will of the Universe and stop allowing fear to rule your life. Begin living, truly living, right now. There is nothing in your way. What is your greatest fear? Can you believe that it is unnecessary? What would you do if you had no fear in your heart at all? How different could your life be?

    The only time you run out of chances is when you stop taking them!

    I am now offering personalized coaching sessions to individuals suffering from anxiety &/or depression. If you are interested in scheduling a session or would like to learn more, please contact me at denabotbyl[@]gmail[.]com for details and rates. Include CBT Session in the subject line.

8 Comments

  1. I really love this; such simple ideas are the most difficult to truly embrace and embody in our own lives, but it is definitely possible to love yourself and reject unrealistic expectations. There are so many bigger fish to fry in this world.

    Reply

    1. @ Kristin – Exactlyyyyy! Bigger fish to fry. I feel like when we can take the focus off of those unrealistic/irrational/unnecessary expectations & judgments — we become capable of intense beauty, wonder, & magic in our lives. It’s all about self-love.

      Reminds me of this Rumi quote I’ve always loved:

      Why are you so enchanted by this world
      when a mine of gold lies within you?

      @ Andra – Your comment makes me want to cry (happy tears). Knowing that these words touched you in some way, this way, means everything to me. I put these words out here from the depths of my heart&soul with a prayer that they will impact someone in a positive way. To hear that this moved you — my precious friend — is a dream come true.

      Many thanks.

      Reply

  2. Dena, I read this post early this morning, and it has stayed with me all day. What rich truths you give us, all in the conciseness of one blog post. For me, it is always a struggle to be happy with myself, to not compete with others, but those energies are such wastes. All that does is keep me from focusing on what matters. Thank you for a positive breakdown that I can return to again and again.

    Reply

  3. Sometimes the “easy” list isn’t quite enough. Life never truly changed for me until I closed my eyes and plunged into the career I’d been chasing, but never catching hold of, my entire life. This wasn’t an easy decision, and it was (and still is!) a lot of hard work. But the happiness it elicited is well worth all of that and more.

    Although it sounds harsh, “stop making excuses” is probably one of the most beneficial changes anyone can make for their own happiness!

    Reply

    1. @ Danielle – Amen to “stop making excuses!” It truly is the number one reason why people do not succeed. We make excuses and worse yet we believe them. Every time I do a speaking engagement (no matter what the topic) I talk about excuses and how awful they are.

      When we can accept that excuses are LIES, not FACTS — we can begin to move forward & make progress.

      Reply

  4. Great post, Dena. I’m behind on my RSS feed, ha. I love that picture at the top – it’s so adorable, but you’re right… it is very symbolic of our culture.

    Reply

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