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5 Tips for Focusing & My Mini Meltdown

“When the lion is chasing the antelope, he doesn’t look back. He has to eat.” –Robert Cheruiyot

The antelope knows how to focus. That’s what this post is about–focus.

Last Sunday I had a meltdown.  I was tired.  In the past few weeks, I’ve gone from New Jersey (NJ) to Bermuda back to NJ to Boston back to NJ to West Chester, Pennsylvania and then finally back to NJ.

It was a lot.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining.  I had an incredible vacation in Bermuda, a great time with my family in Boston, and an amazing speaking engagement in Pennsylvania, but…

No matter how positive each experience was, travel is exhausting. It can spin you around, shake you up, force you to look at different perspectives, and break you down. And sometimes (like in my case) you need to be broken down.

The Breaking Point

For the past couple of months, everything was alright. I was getting by. So I just kept moving. Nothing was monumentally wrong, so why stir up the pot? Right? Wrong! I had forgotten something that I learned a long time ago: Contentment does not mean happiness. A clam is content. I wasn’t happy; I was content. There is a big difference.

It hit me really hard late into that Sunday afternoon. I’d realized that after all of the traveling, the adventure, the joy–I was going back to work the next morning. I was leaving happiness & returning to contentment. This realization–on top of the sheer, travel-induced exhaustion–flung me into panic mode and so began my miniature break down.

I Lost Focus

After a little tantrum, a few tears, and a bit of moping; I had a really great conversation with my partner. I am really lucky to have him in my life because he is very patient on the rare occasions that I get that way. He is a great listener and giver of advice. His Taoist beliefs always lead me back to reality when I stray too far away. (By the way if you’re at all interested in Taoism [which you should be!] here is a great place to start: Living the Wisdom of the Tao).

While the experiences I had during travel were incredible, they were also distracting. And it wasn’t just the traveling that steered me off course. I started 2010 with extreme clarity and focus. I knew exactly where I was headed and how I was going to get there. But then–as it so often does–life got in the way.

While I didn’t do anything to set myself back, I did lose the intense momentum that I’d started the year with. Now however, mini-breakdown behind me, I am back on track, full-speed ahead! My main priority for the next 6 months is to stay absolutely focused on accomplishing the goals that I set at the beginning of this year.

It’s a proven fact that big cats, like lions & cheetahs, can run faster than antelope. Yet, I see antelope escaping certain death all the time on the Discovery channel. It’s not divine intervention. It’s focus. The antelope knows that focus is the key to his survival. I know that focus is the key to my success.

What’s Next

As for my goals, I can not share 100% of the detail at this moment. Some of my goals are personal in nature and others have to be kept quiet for other reasons. I did share my financial goals in great detail earlier this year. I am proud to report that I am actually doing better than I’d anticipated on that front and am ahead of target to reach my financial goals by December.

With out going into too much detail my other goals involve:

  • The continued growth of evolution you and my life coaching/motivational speaking businesses
  • The continued improvement of my personal health & fitness
  • My continued progress down the path to fulfilling my Personal Destiny (read The Alchemist for more on that one).

5 Tips for Staying Focused

1. Minimize distractions. We’ve all got distractions and vices–Facebook, Twitter, junk food, alcohol, shopping, and so on. Whatever it is that’s distracting you, just avoid it as much as possible. If you’ve got a deadline, take a week away from Twitter. If you’ve got a marathon, keep junk food out of the house. Have some willpower. Make a decision that accomplishing your goals and creating the life of your dreams is worth more to you than some unhealthy or unnecessary distraction.

2. Track your progress. Update a notebook or electronic document daily, weekly, or monthly with your progress. Mark down all milestones–no matter how small. Reflect upon your progress regularly. Writing your successes down will motivate you to push forward. Just the knowledge in the back of your mind that you’ve got to write something down at each interval will compel you to keep moving & keep doing.

3. Make your goals public. Tell as many people as possible about your goals. This is all about accountability. For example, I’ve told the whole world about my financial goals and that gives me a great, positive sense of obligation to deliver on those goals. I want to make everyone proud! I want to show others that they can do it, too. Not only will sharing your goals make you more accountable, but it will let you know who your true friends are. Your true friends will be cheering you on every step of the way, checking into see how you’re doing, and congratulating you at the end of your journey.

4. Clearly define your goals. Make sure that your goals are as clear as clean glass! You can not get too specific about what you want to accomplish. If you want to pay off debt, define exactly how much you want to pay off and by when. If you want to quit your job, define exactly where you see yourself in one year’s time. Visualize what you want–down to the tiniest detail. The more clearly you define your goals, the better off you will be.

5. Have faith. Remember that when you truly want something, the entire Universe conspires to make it happen (The Alchemist).

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    Tired of Conflict Bringing You Down?

    Dealing With Conflict

    Conflict takes many forms—misunderstanding, frustration, ignorance, hatred, envy, and so on—but despite the cause, the result is largely the same: someone walks away with hurt feelings.

    The truth is, however, that this is not necessary. You can choose to be unaffected by conflict. It is not an easy thing to accomplish. You have, after all, lived your life believing that conflict equals pain. But with practice & patience you can learn to live above conflict in a place of true peace.

    “True peace can not be disturbed by gain or loss.”

    The reason that conflict hurts us is because we allow it to. Most pain comes from another person(s) or from our own minds. The key to being unaffected by conflict is to understand that anything that another person says to us (out of anger, frustration, etc.) is actually a reflection of her feelings about herself and is rooted in fear. Likewise, anything that our mind says to us (self-criticism, self-hatred, etc.) is also rooted in fear. All forms of discomfort—sadness, anxiety, worry, rage, hatred, envy, and so on—are rooted in fear.

    When you accept that angry words are actually reflections of fear, it makes them much less painful to tolerate. Even the angriest and most cruel of arguments is based in fear & insecurity.

    For example, you have a large project due at work. You bring it into your boss’s office an hour prior to the deadline. She notices that it is riddled with errors. Her face turns red and she begins to scream. “You idiot! How could you be so stupid? This is unacceptable. I can not believe I ever hired you. Get out!”

    On one hand, you are devastated. Her words have stung you at your core. You are insulted, sad, angry, afraid. But if you really stop to analyze the situation, why do you think she acted this way? Most likely, she is afraid. Most likely, she is terrified about the way that your “failure” is going to reflect on her. After all, wasn’t it her who hired you, gave you this assignment, failed to give you proper instruction, and so on? What will her boss think when she turns this project into him? Her explosion was based in fear.

    Another example, it is Saturday afternoon and you are sitting on the couch. Your husband comes in the door and notices that you have not swept the floors. He begins to speak angrily, “Haven’t you swept the floors? Didn’t you see this dirt? You’ve been so lazy recently.” You are crushed and devastated. How could he be so mean? But then again, you stop and analyze. The lawn is not mowed, the gutters are uncleaned, there are piles of crap strewn about the yard. Your husband is insecure about all of his unfinished chores and is projecting his self-frustration onto you. His remarks were based in fear and insecurity.

    If you take the time to truly analyze, you will find that almost every conflict is rooted in fear. Therefore, the vast majority of hurtful things that are ever said to you actually have absolutely nothing to do with you. This is an incredibly liberating concept (not to be confused with the rare scenario when you are actually wrong by the way). Still, just because the other person’s (or even your own self-inflicted) anger is based in fear, that still doesn’t make it right. Yes, perhaps both your boss and your husband were entirely out of line. It is alright for you to tell them so, but what is more important is the way that you process the conflict within yourself.

    Most people internalize the conflict. In any case, you take what was said and push it deep within yourself. Perhaps you believe the other person words. “Yes, I am lazy, stupid, ugly, etc.” The conflict turns into emotional pain and festers within you eventually becoming depression, anxiety, and so on. But as I mentioned at the start, none of that is necessary.

    You must accept the conflict (words) for what they are—someone else’s (or even your own mind’s) fears and insecurities. Fear is nothing to be afraid of or affected by. Most fear is completely unnecessary (read more about that).

    After the conflict, words, and judgments have passed, simply allow all of it to pass through and around you like water or air. Understand that it is something outside of you, that has nothing to do with you at all. It is not inside of you, it did not come from you, and you do not have to absorb it. Simply let it pass and then move on.

    Holding onto the pain of conflict is insane and unnatural. What do the birds do after the great storm has passed? They sing, of course! You will never hear the birds singing so sweetly and so loudly as they do after the storm has passed and the sun shines again. They do not mourn the broken nest, the wet feathers, or the lost supper. They simply sing and praise the light in gratitude. They rejoice that the sun has come again.

    In his book, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, Eckhart Tolle talks about his observation of duck fights. Two ducks approach one another. They squawk in anger for mere seconds. Then they turn away from one another, flap their great wings a few times, and swim on as if it never happened. This is true wisdom, true peace, in action. There is so much that we can learn from this simple observation.

    There is really no need to hold onto anger or discomfort. There is really no need to suffer. In life, you will find many reason to suffer. But a good reason to suffer, you will never find. Let conflicts pass through and around you. Do not hold onto them. You will almost always find that it never has anything to do with you anyway.

5 Comments

  1. I think mini-meltdowns are healthy. Sometimes we just need to let it all out, and release in order to get back your clarity, or focus as you describe.

    Interesting about Taoism… I’ve always been interested in it, and just talking about it with someone. I must check out your recommendation 🙂

    Reply

  2. @Karen – Thanks for the great comment! I absolutely agree, sometimes we all need a good cry. 😉

    You really should check out the book. It’s Wayne Dyer and it’s fantastic. I just finished the audio version this past weekend and it’s transformed my life already. I’ll be doing a full review soon.

    Reply

  3. I’ve been there Dena. Over the years I’ve gotten better at spotting the symptoms of meltdowns; mini or not. This is when I turn up the meditation and tune out sources of stress which I formerly believed I had to face in an agitated state of mind. When you’re calm the source of stress no longer exists; it’s just an experience which you had misinterpreted.

    Your contentment statement sums it all up. Sometimes we think that filling life makes us happy. It works the other way around. Be happy with whatever it is you’re doing and you’ll feel fulfilled.

    As for my goals I can appreciate your personal take. That’s how I view all my goals. I like to keep ’em between me and the universe 😉

    Thanks for sharing your story Dena.

    Reply

    1. @Ryan – Thank you for your thoughtful comment, as always! I am really happy to hear that my desires to keep some things personal are understood. There is always a fine line there, especially for me. I am a “tell all” sort of gal. But I really like your idea about keeping your goals between you & the Universe. That’s beautiful.

      Thanks again!

      Reply
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