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Overcome Fear, Lead by Example

“Be the change that you want to see in the world.” —Mahatma Gandhi

This post is about why talk is cheap and how you can overcome fear to become a true leader. For most of my life, I have been known to give great advice. I have led people by the hand to paths of happiness, growth, and strength. I have convinced friends, colleagues, and strangers to let go of crushing fear and succeed. Still, I was not a leader.

Was I a hypocrite preaching to others about success and fearless living? No, I was simply afraid. Most of us are. We are afraid to live above our fears, to crush and conquer them. Recently, I have learned how to beat that fear and I am going to share my story with you.

Stop and think about the things in your world that you would like to see change. Why haven’t you made those changes already? The answer is almost always going to be fear. If you want to change, inspire, and lead — you must live without fear. You must lead by example. It is not enough to tell others how to live. It is not enough to speak about the life of your dreams. Success is not achieved by words, it is achieved by action. Talk is cheap.

Recently I have begun to eliminate fear-based thought and action from my life. For the first time, I am leading by example. I am living the life that I have been teaching and preaching for so long. You can do it too. Here’s how.

Accept That Fear is Driving You
The first step in this process is acceptance and understanding. Recognize that you are practicing fear-based thought and action. Here are some examples.

Fear-based thought:
I would like to travel to China but I could not afford that.
I would like to start a business but I am not driven enough.
I would like to become a doctor but I would not succeed.

Fear-based action:
Remain at your 9 to 5 because you are afraid to lose that paycheck.
Settle for a salary that is less than you deserve because you are afraid to ask for more.
Take a day trip to Chinatown because China is out of your reach.

Every one of the above examples is based in fear. A person that practices cheap talk might preach to others about why those statements are weak. They might convince others that they are stronger than those excuses but a cheap talker is all talk. All of the words are meaningless unless they practice what they preach.

This process is not a one week change or even a three month change. Moving out of fear-based living is a lifestyle overhaul. It is a complete adjustment of your thought process. Fear-based living can be replaced by strength- and love-based living. Leaders are the people who do it. Think about the people that you look up to, the people that teach and inspire you. Do you think that those people live in fear? Or do you think that they crush their fears and go after what they desire no matter what the cost? If the people you look up to are worth their weight in salt, then they are leaders. They are people who live lives based in strength and love, not in fear.

Crush the Fears and Live
Once you are able to recognize and accept your fear-based thoughts and actions, you can begin to overcome them. As fear-based thoughts arise in your mind, write them down. As you complete fear-based actions throughout the day, write them down. Once you have that list, read it. Let the fear wash over you as you realize that you are about to change your life. You are about to begin living in strength, in faith, and in love.

“Identify your problems but give your power and energy to solutions.” —Tony Robbins

Take every single one of those fear-based thoughts and actions and on another piece of paper write down what you will do to finally make the changes in your life that you have wanted for so long. Then tear the paper filled with fear-based thoughts and actions to shreds, throw it away, burn it, destroy it. Feel those fear-based thoughts and actions disappear. Fill that space in your heart and mind with strength and love. Believe that you will live in strength and set out to make it happen.

Practice Visualization & Reach Your Goals
Now it is time to really identify your dreams and turn them into realities. Once you have crushed your fears, you can set off on your journey of love, faith, and strength. Previously I wrote an entire post on this topic, check that out for more on goal-setting and accomplishment.

Be the Change, Be the Light
You have crushed your fears, you are achieving your goals, now it is time to lead. A true leader is a person that leads by example. A true leader is a person that goes after every single thing that she wants because she is not afraid. Then she teaches others how they can do the same.

If you want to be a leader, you must live the life that you are preaching. You cannot command an army if you’ve not stepped foot on a battlefield. You can not teach children if you are not intelligent and thoughtful. You cannot teach people to live without fear if you yourself are living in fear. But if you do these things, if you become a true leader – then you will lead and you will be a light in this world to many.

If you practice each of the steps mentioned above, eventually you will find that fear-based thought and action is no longer a part of you. Your life will be so full of strength and love that there will be no room for fear. In order for this to work, you must believe in yourself. You must have faith that the universe has a plan for you and that the path you are on is the right path. Strength, happiness, and success are all choices that you have to make for yourself. You can not search for these things, you must live them. There are deep wells of strength and promise within you. Now is the time to draw on them.

I am sending you my love, my hope, and my belief that you can and will live the life that you were born to live.

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    Tired of Conflict Bringing You Down?

    Dealing With Conflict

    Conflict takes many forms—misunderstanding, frustration, ignorance, hatred, envy, and so on—but despite the cause, the result is largely the same: someone walks away with hurt feelings.

    The truth is, however, that this is not necessary. You can choose to be unaffected by conflict. It is not an easy thing to accomplish. You have, after all, lived your life believing that conflict equals pain. But with practice & patience you can learn to live above conflict in a place of true peace.

    “True peace can not be disturbed by gain or loss.”

    The reason that conflict hurts us is because we allow it to. Most pain comes from another person(s) or from our own minds. The key to being unaffected by conflict is to understand that anything that another person says to us (out of anger, frustration, etc.) is actually a reflection of her feelings about herself and is rooted in fear. Likewise, anything that our mind says to us (self-criticism, self-hatred, etc.) is also rooted in fear. All forms of discomfort—sadness, anxiety, worry, rage, hatred, envy, and so on—are rooted in fear.

    When you accept that angry words are actually reflections of fear, it makes them much less painful to tolerate. Even the angriest and most cruel of arguments is based in fear & insecurity.

    For example, you have a large project due at work. You bring it into your boss’s office an hour prior to the deadline. She notices that it is riddled with errors. Her face turns red and she begins to scream. “You idiot! How could you be so stupid? This is unacceptable. I can not believe I ever hired you. Get out!”

    On one hand, you are devastated. Her words have stung you at your core. You are insulted, sad, angry, afraid. But if you really stop to analyze the situation, why do you think she acted this way? Most likely, she is afraid. Most likely, she is terrified about the way that your “failure” is going to reflect on her. After all, wasn’t it her who hired you, gave you this assignment, failed to give you proper instruction, and so on? What will her boss think when she turns this project into him? Her explosion was based in fear.

    Another example, it is Saturday afternoon and you are sitting on the couch. Your husband comes in the door and notices that you have not swept the floors. He begins to speak angrily, “Haven’t you swept the floors? Didn’t you see this dirt? You’ve been so lazy recently.” You are crushed and devastated. How could he be so mean? But then again, you stop and analyze. The lawn is not mowed, the gutters are uncleaned, there are piles of crap strewn about the yard. Your husband is insecure about all of his unfinished chores and is projecting his self-frustration onto you. His remarks were based in fear and insecurity.

    If you take the time to truly analyze, you will find that almost every conflict is rooted in fear. Therefore, the vast majority of hurtful things that are ever said to you actually have absolutely nothing to do with you. This is an incredibly liberating concept (not to be confused with the rare scenario when you are actually wrong by the way). Still, just because the other person’s (or even your own self-inflicted) anger is based in fear, that still doesn’t make it right. Yes, perhaps both your boss and your husband were entirely out of line. It is alright for you to tell them so, but what is more important is the way that you process the conflict within yourself.

    Most people internalize the conflict. In any case, you take what was said and push it deep within yourself. Perhaps you believe the other person words. “Yes, I am lazy, stupid, ugly, etc.” The conflict turns into emotional pain and festers within you eventually becoming depression, anxiety, and so on. But as I mentioned at the start, none of that is necessary.

    You must accept the conflict (words) for what they are—someone else’s (or even your own mind’s) fears and insecurities. Fear is nothing to be afraid of or affected by. Most fear is completely unnecessary (read more about that).

    After the conflict, words, and judgments have passed, simply allow all of it to pass through and around you like water or air. Understand that it is something outside of you, that has nothing to do with you at all. It is not inside of you, it did not come from you, and you do not have to absorb it. Simply let it pass and then move on.

    Holding onto the pain of conflict is insane and unnatural. What do the birds do after the great storm has passed? They sing, of course! You will never hear the birds singing so sweetly and so loudly as they do after the storm has passed and the sun shines again. They do not mourn the broken nest, the wet feathers, or the lost supper. They simply sing and praise the light in gratitude. They rejoice that the sun has come again.

    In his book, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, Eckhart Tolle talks about his observation of duck fights. Two ducks approach one another. They squawk in anger for mere seconds. Then they turn away from one another, flap their great wings a few times, and swim on as if it never happened. This is true wisdom, true peace, in action. There is so much that we can learn from this simple observation.

    There is really no need to hold onto anger or discomfort. There is really no need to suffer. In life, you will find many reason to suffer. But a good reason to suffer, you will never find. Let conflicts pass through and around you. Do not hold onto them. You will almost always find that it never has anything to do with you anyway.

5 Comments

  1. Thanks for the great post. I need the reminder to “be the change.” On a good day, I get close.

    Owen

    Reply

  2. @owenmarcus Thank you very much for your comment. I am really glad that the reminder meant something to you. That is all that we need sometimes, little reminders to be the best that we can. Cheers!

    Reply
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