Focusing Inward

This morning I spent fifteen, divine, uninterrupted minutes stretching and meditating. It was the first time, I’d done so in… a year or more? I mean, I’ve stretched, but not like that. Not with complete quiet and no distractions and the most blissful silence you can imagine. Afterward, I felt like a new woman.

I’ve been dedicated to turning my focus inward and it’s working. I’ve even had two dates with girlfriends in the past week — sans baby. It feels wonderful to be rediscovering myself. I wore heels out to dinner last week, it was the first time I’d worn heels in nearly a year. I felt — dare I say it — sexy.

Somewhere in the midst of — fifty pounds of pregnancy weight and caring for a newborn and leaky boobs and days on end without showers and trying to feed a relentlessly messy eight-month-old — I truly lost hope that I would ever feel sexy again. But then there I was, sitting at the bar in heels, waiting for my girlfriend to join me for dinner, and that feeling that I’d thought was gone forever, was back.

I searched the drink menu for a drink that would be perfect for the occasion. I found it: The Love Martini, only I decided to call it The Self-Love Martini. Indeed, I am learning how to love myself again.

That night we had the most wonderful, decadent fondue dinner. It was exactly what I needed to disconnect from the “Mommy” version of myself and reconnect with the other pieces of me, that had been too long neglected.

In four months, I’ll be thirty-years-old. I’m starting the countdown. My subconscious mind tries to start the “there’s-so-much-that-I-should-have-accomplished-by-now” bullshit. But I catch it before it has a chance to go there. I have done so much. I have become so much. I want for thirty to be a celebration of the incredibly amazing & blessed life that I’ve lived so far. I also want for thirty to be a blank page, ripe with promise, ready for a thousand, new and magical adventures.

I feel lighter and more hopeful than I have in a long time. I’ve got some serious work to do in a whole bunch of areas. It’s all good though. I am going to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I am going to keep moving onward and focusing inward.