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Throw Away ‘The Golden Rule’

evolutionyou.net | Raccoon Family“Treat others the way that you would like to be treated.” You’ve heard it all your life. From the time you were old enough to understand, your parents advised you of the golden rule. Today, I’m asking you to forget it. It’s terrible advice! Treating others the way that you want to be treated was probably responsible for every failed relationship that you’ve ever had.

Here is the problem: NOT EVERYONE WANTS TO BE TREATED THE WAY THAT YOU WANT TO BE TREATED.

I hope that you just had a light bulb moment. When I realized this, I know I sure did. I realized it for the first time during a training seminar. It was a course for first-time supervisors. We were talking about what drives people toward success or what “motivates” people to be their best selves, to perform optimally. The instructor gave us a quiz that we could share with our employees. It asks them to rate potential motivators from least to most important using a scale from 1 – 10, 1 being the most important and 10 being the least important. The motivators included things like money, freedom, creativity, public recognition, and so on. The thought behind the test being that every person is motivated by something different. For one person, the way to get them to perform might be regular salary increases. Other people don’t care as much about compensation as they do about public recognition or the ability to be creative.

I thought about this for a minute and then it really clicked. I had been attempting to motivate my employees with motivators that motivated me. It stretched far beyond that, too. For my entire life, I had been treating people the way that I wanted to be treated. I never stopped to consider that perhaps this person does not want what I want. Perhaps he or she wants what he or she wants. I realized that the golden rule is a sham.

It wasn’t long before I began to take my new perspective and apply it to all of my relationships. Rather than treating my mother the way that she wanted to be treated, I had been treating her the way that I wanted to be treated. Rather than treating my friends the way that they wanted to be treated, I had been treating them the way that I wanted to be treated. And perhaps, most importantly, rather than treating my partner the way that he wanted to be treated, I had been treating him the way that I wanted to be treated. I say that this is most important because it had the most dire consequences. And I’m certain that if you think about it, you will relate.

Romantic relationships, while often the most rewarding, can also be the most difficult to manage. One of the biggest reasons why divorce is so common is because people do not get this simple idea. We must take the time and effort to learn how our partners want to be treated. To illustrate why this is so important, let me share an example from my own life.

Matthew and I have a lot in common. That is why we have been together for five years and why we are getting married in June. However, we are also different in many ways. Perhaps the thing that makes us most different is the way that we handle conflict. I am a talker, a thinker, and a cuddler. When I am angry or hurt or sad, I want Matthew to be there for me in every way. I want to talk things out. I want to be held. I want sympathy. We have come to the conclusion that I am almost like a child in this sense. I long to be “babied.” Matthew, on the other hand, is the polar opposite. When conflict arises, he immediately longs for solitude. He shuts up and shuts down. He wants to be left alone.

Now imagine what happened for the first couple of years of our relationship when Matthew got angry and I started to treat him the way that I wanted to be treated (like a baby!). Not surprisingly it didn’t go over very well! We played this horrible dance for years.

It’s alright to treat people the way that you want to be treated, but only if that is the way that they want to be treated, too. In our case, when it came to conflict, each of us wanted to be treated in very different ways. It took awhile for us to figure this out; but when we did, the reward was tremendous. Like all couples, we still struggle through it. Sometimes, it’s difficult. For example, when conflict arises and I want to talk it out, I have to be extremely vigilant to make sure that I give Matthew the time and space that he needs. And likewise, when I am hurt, he has to be very aware to make sure that he gives me the attention and nurturing that I am seeking. These behaviors go against our natural inclinations because they are not the behaviors that we would seek for ourselves, but making the extra effort pays off big time.

This principle can be applied to any relationship–whether personal, professional, or whatever have you. I know that many people live by the golden rule. Maybe you don’t need to throw it out completely, but if you can make a small adjustment, it may just prove to enhance every relationship that you’ll ever have.

In love & light,
Dena

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    3 Super Simple Ways to Reduce Stress, Improve Health, & Live Happy

    Want to know how you can cut your stress in half?

    How about if there were two things you could change that would drastically alter your stress levels for the rest of your life?

    Now I bet you really want to know, right?

    What if I told you that doing these simple things will not only decrease your stress levels, but will also make you happier and decrease your risk of heart attack, ulcers, & high blood pressure?

    Ready for this? Four words: Stop Rushing, Take Vacation.

    Yes, that’s it. It’s really quite simple, but the results that you will see if you make these changes will amaze you.

    The Problems
    So why is rushing & a lack of vacation such a huge problem? Well, rushing every now and then wouldn’t really be such a problem. But in today’s society, the reality is that we don’t just rush every now and then. We rush all of the time.

    We are constantly hurrying from one thing to the next, multitasking, with our minds in five different places at once. We browse the Web in multiple Windows. We watch television while surfing the Web. We talk on our house phones while texting on our cell phones/iPhones/Blackberrys. While we’re driving to work, we’re planning our days, who we’ll see at each meeting, and what we’re having for dinner. While we’re eating dinner, we’re checking our email, responding to emails, and thinking about what’s on TV that night. While we’re watching TV that night, we’re thinking about everything we’ve got to do tomorrow. You get the picture…

    The Facts
    The United States is one of (if not the) most stressful, fast-paced, uptight societies in existence. The “American way” of rush, rush, rush has huge negative implications. And sadly, the rest of the world is beginning to follow suit. It’s not a good path to be on.

    Here are some statistics about minimum vacation days around the world:

    Austria — 35 days
    Brazil — 30 days
    Finland — 35 days
    Sweden — 32 days
    Ukraine — 24 days
    United States — 7 days
    (Source: http://nationmaster.com)

    7 days? Really? WTF United States!?!?!?

    Every year Expedia.com launches an intense Vacation Deprivation survey to gather the facts & the effects of American Vacation Deprivation.

    Check out these stats:

    Notice that despite earning the least amount of annual vacation days, Americans will still leave an average of 3 days unused! This goes to show that so many Americans don’t even use the little vacation time that they get! Not good.

    Why is Vacation So Important?
    Let’s talk about mental health.

    • 34% of Americans say they come back from vacation feeling better about their jobs and are even more productive.
    • 53% of employed U.S. adults say they come back feeling rested and rejuvenated after vacation.
    • 53% of employed U.S. adults say they come back feeling reconnected with family after vacation.

    It’s no big secret that work can be stressful. Even if you absolutely adore your career, you still have the occasional (or frequent) challenging day. If you refuse to take a breather every now & then, you are putting your mental health and your relationships at risk.

    Obesity, heart disease, high blood pressure, ulcers, anxiety, depression, and so on are all symptoms of stress. Stress causes cortisol to build up in your body, the cortisol is then stored as dangerous fat. In addition to all of the physical symptoms of stress, there is the issue of rushing around. When you are rushing nonstop from place to place, it’s easy to stop for fast-food because you don’t make the time to cook nutritious meals for yourself and your family.

    If you look at the rates of obesity around the globe, you probably won’t be shocked to see where the United States fits in.

    That’s right, numero uno. Not a good place to be in this case. Americans are the most obese individuals in the world. A sad fact to note considering that we are also some of the richest people, with some of the most vast & diverse availability to nutritious & wholesome food. (Please watch Food, Inc. for more information on this topic.)

    Turning the Tide
    The facts are straightforward. Constant rushing & vacation deprivation will cause you harm. Here are 3 super simple ways that you can combat these harmful habits.

    1. Practice efficient time management. Keep a calendar and don’t overbook yourself, no exceptions. We all have a ton of stuff that we want to get done, but we have to prioritize. Choose the tasks that mean the most to you and will provide you with the best ROI (return on investment). Don’t commit to anything that doesn’t benefit you, your career, your family, or your friends in a big way. Your time is precious and you should treat it as such.

    2. Use your vacation time, all of it. No matter how many days that your company allots for vacation, make sure and use it. If your company tends to be on the real stingy side with vacation, don’t be afraid to set a confidential meeting with your HR director to point out the importance of sufficient vacation time. Sufficient vacation time is mutually beneficial — you will feel better and thereby, your performance will improve. Win – Win!

    Likewise, if you work for yourself, make sure to pencil in enough time for R & R.

    3. Breathe. When you are rushing, you are most likely breathing shallow. Shallow breathing causes rapid heart rate & conversely, deep breathing causes a slower heart rate. Take time to observe your breathing throughout the day. If you find yourself shallow breathing, take a deep breath in through your nostrils. Let the air flow through your chest & deep into the pit of your stomach. Allow your stomach to expand, like a balloon, as it fills with air. Then slowly exhale through your nose and expel all of the air from your body. Breathe in deeply again, allowing the air to fill your stomach as before. Each time you inhale, take in the positive energy & light around you. Let it fill & calm your soul. Each time you exhale, push out your negative energy & fear. Continue to do this until you feel calm.

    * — * — * — * — *

    Slow down, be in the now.

  • · · · ·

    Letting Go of the Past: Forgiveness

    Last week, I finished listening to Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now. It had been on my “to-read” list for years, when by a stroke of fate a dear friend offered to lend me her audio copy. I plan to do a full review of the book in the coming weeks but for now I want to focus on one important element—forgiveness of the past.

    Recently I started thinking about the first twenty-five years of my life. In The Power of Now, we learn that to live in the future or the past is to suffer. The only way to exist in true harmony is to live in the now. After all, the past is not real, the future is not real. The past and the future only exist in our minds. The only thing that is truly and completely real, is the now.

    The challenge with this, however, is that until we can accept, understand, and move on from the conditioning of the past, we can not experience true freedom. And in order to truly accomplish this, we must experience true forgiveness of the past—forgiving others & ourselves completely.

    As I reflected upon these truths, I realized that I have been holding on to a tremendous amount of pain from my own personal history. There is so much past that continues to haunt me and impact me in the now. One of the greatest sources of pain revolves around my former lifestyle.

    I spent so much of my life caught up in a false sense of self. I spent incredible amounts of money on material possessions that I now perceive as worthless (clothes, jewelry, useless electronics, etc.) For some reason, I fell into the marketing. I bought it—all of it. (You can read more about my journey into financial prison and my subsequent journey out in previous posts.)

    But that’s not really the point, the point is that I ended up here. I can sit around and feel sorry for myself, angry that so much of my life was wasted, frustrated that I’ve only paid off a fraction (albeit a substantial fraction) of my debts so far; but if I did all of that where would it get me? It wouldn’t get me anywhere except maybe on a private jet to my own personal pity party. No thank you.

    Instead of wallowing, I am grateful. Grateful that I have come this far. Grateful that I’ have learned these lessons and changed the direction of my life by the age of 25 (soon-to-be 26). Grateful to be surrounded by a community of people that support me and believe in me. Grateful to have discovered my life’s true purpose and passion. Grateful to be doing what I love (even if only part of the time). Grateful to be safe, secure, healthy, strong, and beautiful.

    As I move through these emotions of gratitude for what I have now and what I am now, I find that the pain of my history slips away. I believe that I am finally on a path toward true forgiveness of the past. The reality is that it happened. I made mistakes, like all fallible human beings do. However, without making those mistakes, I may never have come to this place, to this now.

    The past grants us wisdom & grace. The memories that haunt us the most, are usually the memories that taught us the greatest lessons. Forgiveness will come from acceptance. So, the trick to true forgiveness is true acceptance. Once we can accept our past unconditionally, we can live fully in the now.

    I am making my way on this journey slowly. For most of my life, I focused almost entirely on the past—heart breaks, mistakes, errors in judgment, loss, failures, and so on—but that was a tragic mistake. What I now know is that the past is gone, the only thing that matters is now. And likewise, the future is a distant place that exists only in my mind. The only thing that matters is right now.

    Transforming the way that I think has been a challenging process, but I have come a tremendous distance already and I will keep on pushing forward, always.

    Now I ask you, reader, what pieces of your past are you holding on to? Are you willing to accept those pieces unconditionally so that you may truly forgive and live in harmony & light? Will you join me on this journey?

  • · · · · · ·

    The Journey

    by Mary Oliver

    One day you finally knew
    what you had to do, and began,
    though the voices around you
    kept shouting
    their bad advice–
    though the whole house
    began to tremble
    and you felt the old tug
    at your ankles.
    “Mend my life!”
    each voice cried.
    But you didn’t stop.
    You knew what you had to do,
    though the wind pried
    with its stiff fingers
    at the very foundations,
    though their melancholy
    was terrible.
    It was already late
    enough, and a wild night,
    and the road full of fallen
    branches and stones.
    But little by little,
    as you left their voices behind,
    the stars began to burn
    through the sheets of clouds,
    and there was a new voice
    which you slowly
    recognized as your own,
    that kept you company
    as you strode deeper and deeper
    into the world,
    determined to do
    the only thing you could do–
    determined to save
    the only life you could save.

    sunset, flower

    Dear Friends,

    Tonight I simply want to remind you that every journey starts with a single step.

    Love,
    Dena

9 Comments

  1. Dena, that is a very thought provoking post. 🙂 i think that you bring up a good poimt with regards to finding out how your mate wants to be treated in the relationship. I have heard it called their “love lamguage”. How does someone want to be loved. We are all different and respond to different things in different ways. I think that the spirit of the golden rule helps us to focus on how we treat others. We should treat people better than how we would want to be treated. We should put the needs of others above our own. In the materialistic and power hungry world we live in, that can be difficult at times.

    Reply

  3. Treating people with dignity and respect is always the best policy. Whether that’s the Golden Rule or not doesn’t matter to me. I try (and, much of the time, fail) to treat others with dignity and respect, the right way to behave regardless of how someone is treating me. In relationships requiring more investment – like ones in the workplace, friendships or love and family – we always must respond to the needs of the other person. The essence of the Golden Rule (and what makes it so hard for me) is to do the right thing regardless of what the other person does for/to/with you. I struggle with this a lot with my writing and blogging. I give a lot to other people in the blogosphere and spend much (wasted) time angry about how little of it actually comes back to me, when I shouldn’t really care about that part of it. Good post, Dena. You are a wise lady.

    Reply

  4. I have always tried to use the Golden Rule as a guide in how I treat others, but, must agree that it can be somewhat simplistic in complex situations. Both you and Andra make some excellent points about how to recognize and respond to the needs of others in any type of involved relationship. I continue to try to treat folks fairly and respectfully because that is what speaks to me about the Golden Rule. It doesn’t always work out, though, and in cases where no matter what ones does, the other person is going to treat you poorly, you just have to walk away.

    An excellent post and very perceptive.

    Reply

  5. Uncanny–I was just thinking about this. A fortune would ruin me! Buying alcohol for an addict follows the golden rule, but it’d be his ruin. It is The Creative Genius of Love that calls for a justice higher than all rules. It is beyond any ethic; but it is hard for us to live in total awareness of the situation, isn’t it?
    The golden rule is “calculated justice”–that which we “should” want for the other; Love infinitely transcends this because it is “creative justice.” We do to our family and our partner what is most loving (and what can be immensely unnatural).Thank you for writing this, Dena. 

    Reply

  6. Agh, BRILLIANT. I completely agree!  I realized this a few years ago, when I discovered Byron Katie’s work. I applied her methods and came to these conclusions – your post really makes it clear. Love it, and will share.

    Reply

  7. I read this post approximately … 13 minutes after having an awful heated discussion with my significantly better other half. So really… you could have posted this a day prior and I’d be in the clear!

    Great insight Dena.

    Reply

  8. I love this post! Your description of you and your partner could just as easily apply to me and mine. He describes himself as a caveman who just wants to go and sit in his cave by himself when things get a bit heated. But, like you, I’m always there, desperate to talk things over…

    You’ve certainly given me food for thought.

    Reply

  9. Dena, I LOVE THIS POST because my relationship mirrors yours in this regard. It took me a long time to pinpoint it, though. The way you have worded this is excellent, and I appreciate your other examples.

    Reply

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