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Ask Dena: Should We Stay Together for the Kids?

Dear Dena,

Should I stay with my husband and be miserable to make my kids happy?

—Lisa

Dear Lisa,

Doctors, psychologists, and professionals are split down the middle on this issue. Half believe that divorce is the healthier option for families. The other half believe that even rocky marriages nourish children emotionally & practically. Personally, I don’t favor either side. Every situation is different and every family is different. For some, divorce is the best option. For others, staying together makes sense. There are too many variables to consider to make it a black and white issue.

There is one exception and that is physical abuse. In the case of physical abuse, get out as fast as you can. Nothing good will come of it—not for you or your children.

First, let’s talk about why people choose to stay together. Children from divorced families suffer emotional trauma, especially when the divorce is “messy”. Fear of abandonment & loss are common among these children. Bursts of bitterness, jealousy, and doubt often send these children into therapy. Research tells us that children of divorce suffer more often from depression and learning disabilities than those of intact families. These are just a few reasons as to why married couples choose to stay together for the kids.

However, it is important to note that divorce has its most harmful and profound effects on younger children. After age 18, children are better able to cope with the trauma of divorce. By that age, children have formed many of their own developmental beliefs about marriage, relationships, and family. So in your case, it may be important to consider the ages of your children.

On the other hand, many couples decide that divorce is the best option, despite the impact that it may have on children. The fact is that for many couples, staying together for the kids makes things worse instead of better. When a couple forces itself to stay in an unhappy & unhealthy situation, people are pushed into affairs, resentment builds, and everyone suffers. The problem festers and eventually, many couples end up getting divorced anyway.

The bottom line is that right now, you are staying in your marriage because you want to be a good parent. You should ask yourself a couple of critical questions:

  • Will staying in this crumbling marriage make you a better parent?
  • Are you doing more good or harm to your children and yourself by staying in this marriage?

If you are truly enduring misery, you are sending a clear message to your children: “I don’t deserve to be happy.” If you are putting up with abuse, you are sending a clear message to your children: “Don’t rock the boat. Endure abuse from others at all costs.”

Take some time to think about all of these things before you make your decision. Think about the legacy that you want to leave with your children when you are gone. Do you want them to remember a “normal” life with a mother & a father (even if their parents were miserable)? Or, do you want them to live through the trauma of divorce & remember a strong mother, who took her life into her own hands in order to live a life of true happiness?

These pains that you feel are messengers, listen to them. Turn them to sweetness. —Rumi

Both options are admirable. Choosing to stay together for the sake of your family is an incredible act of generosity & love. At the same time, taking a chance & pursuing a life of true happiness is also a brave act of love. Only you can decide what your legacy will be.

I am sending you love, strength, & courage! You will make the right decision.

In love & light,
Dena

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    3 Simple Changes That Will Save Your Life

    This post could save your life. These 3 simple lifestyle changes saved mine. Today I am going to simply share facts with you. These facts (if you let them) will dramatically improve your quality of life. Making these changes can even increase your life span.

    1. Stop Smoking

    FACTS: According to the American Heart Association, cigarette smoking is the most important preventable cause of premature death in the United States, accounting for 440,000 of the more than 2.4 million annual deaths.

    Cigarette smoking causes lung cancer. In fact, smoking tobacco is the major risk factor for lung cancer. In the United States, about 90% of lung cancer deaths in men and almost 80% of lung cancer deaths in women are due to smoking. People who smoke are 10 to 20 times more likely to get lung cancer or die from lung cancer than people who do not smoke. The longer a person smokes and the more cigarettes smoked each day, the more risk goes up.

    Smoking also causes cancer of the voice box (larynx), mouth and throat, esophagus, bladder, kidney, pancreas, cervix, and stomach, and causes acute myeloid leukemia. Source.

    FACTS: One year after passing smoking bans, communities in North America and Europe had 17 percent fewer heart attacks compared to communities without smoking restrictions, and the number of heart attacks kept decreasing with time, according to a report in Circulation: Journal of the American Heart Association. Source.

    FACTS: If you quit smoking, you will:

    1. Prolong your life. According to the American Heart Association, smokers who quit between ages 35-39 add an average of 6-9 years to their lives. Smokers who quit between ages 65-69 increase their life expectancy by 1 – 4 years.

    2. Reduce your risk of cardiovascular disease. Quitting smoking reduces the risk of repeat heart attacks and death from heart disease by 50 percent or more. Quitting smoking also reduces your risk of high blood pressure, peripheral artery disease and stroke.

    3. Reduce your risk of developing a variety of other conditions including diabetes, lung cancer, throat cancer, emphysema, chronic bronchitis, chronic asthma, ulcers, gum disease and many other conditions.

    4. Feel healthier. After quitting, you won’t cough as much, have as many sore throats and you will increase your energy.

    5. Look and feel better. Quitting can help you prevent face wrinkles, get rid of stained teeth, improve your skin and even get rid of the stale smell in your clothes and hair.

    6. Improve your sense of taste and smell.

    7. Save money. Source.

    FACTS: What Happens When You Quit:

    After 20 minutes
    o You stop polluting the air
    o Your blood pressure and pulse decrease
    o The temperature of your hands and feet increases

    After 8 hours
    o The carbon monoxide level in your blood returns to normal
    o Oxygen levels in your blood increase

    After 24 hours
    o Your risk of heart attack decreases

    After 48 hours
    o Nerve endings adjust to the absence of nicotine
    o Your ability to taste and smell begin to return

    After 2 weeks to 3 months
    o Your circulation improves
    o Your exercise tolerance improves

    After 1 – 9 months
    o Coughing, sinus congestion, fatigue and shortness of breath decrease
    o Your overall energy level increases

    After 1 year
    o Your risk of heart disease decreases to half that of a current smoker

    After 5 – 15 years
    o Your risk of stroke is reduced to that of people who have never smoked

    After 10 years
    o Your risk of dying from lung cancer drops to almost the same rate as a lifelong non- smoker
    o You decrease the incidence of other cancers — of the mouth, larynx, esophagus, bladder, kidney and pancreas

    After 15 years
    o Your risk of heart disease is reduced to that of people who have never smoked

    If you smoke again (called a relapse) do not lose hope. Seventy-five percent of those who quit relapse. Most smokers quit three times before they are successful. If you relapse, don’t give up! Review the reasons why you wanted to become a nonsmoker. Plan ahead and think about what you will do next time you get the urge to smoke. Source.

    2. Maintain a Healthy Body Weight

    QUESTION: How many people get cancer by being overweight or obese? How many die?

    FACTS: In 2002, about 41,000 new cases of cancer in the United States were estimated to be due to obesity. This means that about 3.2 percent of all new cancers are linked to obesity.

    A recent report estimated that, in the United States, 14 percent of deaths from cancer in men and 20 percent of deaths in women were due to overweight and obesity.

    Colon cancer occurs more frequently in people who are obese than in those of a healthy weight. An increased risk of colon cancer has been consistently reported for men with high BMIs.
    Source.

    FACTS: Research has shown that as weight increases to reach the levels referred to as “overweight” and “obesity,” the risks for the following conditions also increases:

    * Coronary heart disease
    * Type 2 diabetes
    * Cancers (endometrial, breast, and colon)
    * Hypertension (high blood pressure)
    * Dyslipidemia (for example, high total cholesterol or high levels of triglycerides)
    * Stroke
    * Liver and Gallbladder disease
    * Sleep apnea and respiratory problems
    * Osteoarthritis (a degeneration of cartilage and its underlying bone within a joint)
    * Gynecological problems (abnormal menses, infertility) Source.

    3. Eat Whole Foods, Not Processed

    FACTS: The statistics are alarming:

    – One in three people will get cancer at some time in their life

    – Heart disease is the leading cause of death

    – Poor nutrition and physical inactivity together are the second
    actual cause of preventable death in the United States

    On the other hand new evidence shows that:

    – Eating five or more fruits and vegetables per day cuts cancer
    risk in half

    – People who eat more fruits and vegetables have a 30% lower risk
    of premature heart attack than people who eat a few

    – About 25% fewer strokes are projected for adults who eat 8 or
    more servings of fruits and vegetables per day

    – Fruits and vegetables may help keep blood sugar down and control diabetes.” Source.

    FACTS: Processed meat consumption results in 67% increase in pancreatic cancer risk.
    Source.

    FACTS: Inorganic phosphates are found in a variety of processed foods, including meats, cheeses, beverages and bakery products. They are added to increase water retention and improve food texture. Studies suggests a diet high in inorganic phosphates could speed growth of cancerous tumors and contribute to the development of tumors in those predisposed to the disease. Source.

    FACTS: Carcinogens in foods that may be naturally-occurring, caused by preparing or cooking certain foods, or added to it, include safrole, estragole and benzene. Processed foods such as sausages, bacon and canned meats contain high amounts of the preservative nitrite, another known carcinogen. Other carcinogens to look for in food products include:

    * acetaldehyde
    * acetamide
    * azo color and compounds
    * benzidine
    * bis (2-Chloromethyl) ether
    * cadmium
    * chlorinated parraffin waxes
    * 3,3-dichlorobenzidine
    * dichloromethane
    * hexachlorobenzene
    * polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons
    * polychlorinated dibenzodioxins
    * polychlorinated dibenzofurans
    * sillica
    * trichloroethylene

    Though it is impossible to avoid every known carcinogen, to decrease risk of cancers and other illnesses, a balanced diet with more unprocessed, whole foods can decrease risk of some cancers and other diseases such as type two diabetes and heart disease. Source.

    FACTS: Nutrients in Whole Foods that Protect Against Cancer:

    1. Vitamin A: Strengthens the immune system. Essential for mineral metabolism and endocrine function. Helps detoxify. True vitamin A is found only in animal foods such as cod liver oil; fish and shellfish; and liver, butter and egg yolks from pasture-fed animals. Traditional diets contained ten times more vitamin A than the typical modern American diet.

    2. Vitamin C: An important antioxidant that prevents damage by free radicals. Found in many fruits and vegetables but also in certain organ meats valued by primitive peoples.

    3. Vitamin B6: Deficiencies are associated with cancer. Contributes to the function of over 100 enzymes. Most available from animal foods.

    4. Vitamin B12: Deficiencies are associated with cancer. Found only in animal foods.

    5. Vitamin B17: Protects against cancer. Found in a variety of organically grown grains, legumes, nuts and berries.

    6. Vitamin D: Required for mineral absorption. Strongly protective against breast and colon cancer. Found only in animal foods such as cod liver oil, lard, shellfish and butterfat, organ meats and egg yolks from grass-fed animals. Traditional diets contained ten times more vitamin D than the typical modern American diet.

    7. Vitamin E: Works as an antioxidant at the cellular level. Found in unprocessed oils as well as in animal fats like butter and egg yolks.

    8. Conjugated Linoleic Acid (CLA): Strongly protective against breast cancer. Found in the butterfat and meat fat of grass-fed ruminant animals.

    9. Cholesterol: A potent antioxidant that protects against free radicals in cell membranes. Found only in animal foods.

    10. Minerals: The body needs generous amounts of a wide variety of minerals to protect itself against cancer. Minerals like zinc, magnesium and selenium are vital components of enzymes that help the body fight carcinogens. Minerals are more easily absorbed from animal foods.

    11. Lactic Acid and Friendly Bacteria: Contribute to the health of the digestive tract. Found in old fashioned lacto-fermented foods.

    12. Saturated Fats: Strengthen the immune system. Needed for proper use of the essential fatty acids. The lungs cannot function without saturated fats. Found mostly in animal foods.

    13. Long-Chain Fatty Acids: Arachidonic acid (AA), eicosapentaenoic acid (EPA) and docosahexaenoic acid (DHA) help fight cancer on the cellular level. They are found mostly in animal foods such as butter, organ meats, cod liver oil and seafood.

    14. Co-enzyme Q10: Highly protective against cancer. Found only in animal foods. Source.

    In closing: I truly hope that you will begin living these simple lifestyle changes. If you are non-smoker, not obese, and already eating whole foods, then I challenge you to help to spread this message to as many people as you can. All of the suffering and the disease mentioned above is not necessary. It can be prevented.

10 Comments

  1. For me, divorce was the best and bravest decision I ever made. Even though at times it felt very selfish, which is probably why I put it off for so many years. In the end, I knew it was best for all involved. My children now see a happier more peaceful mother. Someday I hope I can show them what a healthy relationship looks like.

    It is not easy…but you cannot stay ‘just for the kids’. My personal feeling was that I was teaching my children that it was acceptable to be treated the way I was…which, if it were my daughter, would NOT be acceptable.

    Divorce can be just as much a loving act as anything else…It all depends on how it is handled.

    1. @ Dawn – Thank you so very much for sharing your story! I can not tell you how much it means to me. I am so proud of you for your courage, love, and commitment to your family. I hoped that someone would make a comment like this one — to give Lisa the perspective from someone who has really been through it.

      You are wonderful & your daughter is so lucky to have such a brave & loving mother. Thank you a million times! xo

  2. I am a child of divorce, altough my parents did not get divorced until I was 31 years old. In my situation my parents stayed together for my sisters and I, but as children we had to grow up in an environment that was hostile. We endured fighting and bickering on a daily basis and lived with a lot of fear and knew my parents were not happy. We always knew it was a matter of time before they would get divorced. Now after much anger, resentment,and sadness my parents are divorced and trying to start life over in their 60’s. I think it is more difficult to handle this as an adult because one has their own beliefs and values and it is much harder to adapt to changes as you get older. Children are resilliant and can adapt to new situations much easier than adults.
    We are at a point now where we are trying to let go of our resentment towards our parents and accept their new lives. I can honestly say that my parents are both much happier and stronger people today and individually more pleasant to be around. The sadest part of this whole thing is that my parents spent 39 years married together and now don’t even acknowledge one another if they are in the same room. I often wonder if they would have gone their separate ways years earlier, if they would have been less angry towards one another and been able to have a civil and cordial relationship. Divorce is never easy on a family no matter what the age of the children. The most important thing for a child is to know they are loved and to grow up in a nurturing and stable environment. There are many factors that need to be considered when making the decision to divorce and it is never easy. The most important thing to consider is how your happiness or unhappiness will affect your parenting and what is the best possible environment for your children to live in so that they can thrive as individuals. Children learn by what we model and are much smarter than we give them credit for. Whatever your decision, it will be a brave one, that will require courage, but we are never dealt more than we can handle.

    1. @ Keri – Thank you so much for your comment. I am absolutely in awe of how beautiful & inspirational your words are, even if they are coming from a sad place. You are so brave. I can not imagine what it must be like to go through what you are enduring. Even though you are an adult — this experience must be so hard to adapt to like you mentioned. Especially since you spent your entire life in a family that was intact (even if things were difficult at times).

      You are so right, when you say that children learn by what we model & are much smarter than we realize. You are hands down one of the most incredible, inspiring mothers that I have ever known. You have a sweet, gentle, wisdom that is absolutely heart-warming. It is as though you were meant to be a mother.

      I am so happy to hear that you parents are both much happier & stronger as a result of their decision. I hope that this happiness & strengths spills into the lives of your whole family. In the end, yes, the most important thing is that children know they are loved & growing up in a stable, nurturing environment. That is the greatest gift of all.

      I know that your advice will mean so much to Lisa as she makes her decision. Thank you so much for sharing.

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