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Ask Dena: Should We Stay Together for the Kids?

Dear Dena,

Should I stay with my husband and be miserable to make my kids happy?

—Lisa

Dear Lisa,

Doctors, psychologists, and professionals are split down the middle on this issue. Half believe that divorce is the healthier option for families. The other half believe that even rocky marriages nourish children emotionally & practically. Personally, I don’t favor either side. Every situation is different and every family is different. For some, divorce is the best option. For others, staying together makes sense. There are too many variables to consider to make it a black and white issue.

There is one exception and that is physical abuse. In the case of physical abuse, get out as fast as you can. Nothing good will come of it—not for you or your children.

First, let’s talk about why people choose to stay together. Children from divorced families suffer emotional trauma, especially when the divorce is “messy”. Fear of abandonment & loss are common among these children. Bursts of bitterness, jealousy, and doubt often send these children into therapy. Research tells us that children of divorce suffer more often from depression and learning disabilities than those of intact families. These are just a few reasons as to why married couples choose to stay together for the kids.

However, it is important to note that divorce has its most harmful and profound effects on younger children. After age 18, children are better able to cope with the trauma of divorce. By that age, children have formed many of their own developmental beliefs about marriage, relationships, and family. So in your case, it may be important to consider the ages of your children.

On the other hand, many couples decide that divorce is the best option, despite the impact that it may have on children. The fact is that for many couples, staying together for the kids makes things worse instead of better. When a couple forces itself to stay in an unhappy & unhealthy situation, people are pushed into affairs, resentment builds, and everyone suffers. The problem festers and eventually, many couples end up getting divorced anyway.

The bottom line is that right now, you are staying in your marriage because you want to be a good parent. You should ask yourself a couple of critical questions:

  • Will staying in this crumbling marriage make you a better parent?
  • Are you doing more good or harm to your children and yourself by staying in this marriage?

If you are truly enduring misery, you are sending a clear message to your children: “I don’t deserve to be happy.” If you are putting up with abuse, you are sending a clear message to your children: “Don’t rock the boat. Endure abuse from others at all costs.”

Take some time to think about all of these things before you make your decision. Think about the legacy that you want to leave with your children when you are gone. Do you want them to remember a “normal” life with a mother & a father (even if their parents were miserable)? Or, do you want them to live through the trauma of divorce & remember a strong mother, who took her life into her own hands in order to live a life of true happiness?

These pains that you feel are messengers, listen to them. Turn them to sweetness. —Rumi

Both options are admirable. Choosing to stay together for the sake of your family is an incredible act of generosity & love. At the same time, taking a chance & pursuing a life of true happiness is also a brave act of love. Only you can decide what your legacy will be.

I am sending you love, strength, & courage! You will make the right decision.

In love & light,
Dena

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    3 Super Simple Ways to Reduce Stress, Improve Health, & Live Happy

    Want to know how you can cut your stress in half?

    How about if there were two things you could change that would drastically alter your stress levels for the rest of your life?

    Now I bet you really want to know, right?

    What if I told you that doing these simple things will not only decrease your stress levels, but will also make you happier and decrease your risk of heart attack, ulcers, & high blood pressure?

    Ready for this? Four words: Stop Rushing, Take Vacation.

    Yes, that’s it. It’s really quite simple, but the results that you will see if you make these changes will amaze you.

    The Problems
    So why is rushing & a lack of vacation such a huge problem? Well, rushing every now and then wouldn’t really be such a problem. But in today’s society, the reality is that we don’t just rush every now and then. We rush all of the time.

    We are constantly hurrying from one thing to the next, multitasking, with our minds in five different places at once. We browse the Web in multiple Windows. We watch television while surfing the Web. We talk on our house phones while texting on our cell phones/iPhones/Blackberrys. While we’re driving to work, we’re planning our days, who we’ll see at each meeting, and what we’re having for dinner. While we’re eating dinner, we’re checking our email, responding to emails, and thinking about what’s on TV that night. While we’re watching TV that night, we’re thinking about everything we’ve got to do tomorrow. You get the picture…

    The Facts
    The United States is one of (if not the) most stressful, fast-paced, uptight societies in existence. The “American way” of rush, rush, rush has huge negative implications. And sadly, the rest of the world is beginning to follow suit. It’s not a good path to be on.

    Here are some statistics about minimum vacation days around the world:

    Austria — 35 days
    Brazil — 30 days
    Finland — 35 days
    Sweden — 32 days
    Ukraine — 24 days
    United States — 7 days
    (Source: http://nationmaster.com)

    7 days? Really? WTF United States!?!?!?

    Every year Expedia.com launches an intense Vacation Deprivation survey to gather the facts & the effects of American Vacation Deprivation.

    Check out these stats:

    Notice that despite earning the least amount of annual vacation days, Americans will still leave an average of 3 days unused! This goes to show that so many Americans don’t even use the little vacation time that they get! Not good.

    Why is Vacation So Important?
    Let’s talk about mental health.

    • 34% of Americans say they come back from vacation feeling better about their jobs and are even more productive.
    • 53% of employed U.S. adults say they come back feeling rested and rejuvenated after vacation.
    • 53% of employed U.S. adults say they come back feeling reconnected with family after vacation.

    It’s no big secret that work can be stressful. Even if you absolutely adore your career, you still have the occasional (or frequent) challenging day. If you refuse to take a breather every now & then, you are putting your mental health and your relationships at risk.

    Obesity, heart disease, high blood pressure, ulcers, anxiety, depression, and so on are all symptoms of stress. Stress causes cortisol to build up in your body, the cortisol is then stored as dangerous fat. In addition to all of the physical symptoms of stress, there is the issue of rushing around. When you are rushing nonstop from place to place, it’s easy to stop for fast-food because you don’t make the time to cook nutritious meals for yourself and your family.

    If you look at the rates of obesity around the globe, you probably won’t be shocked to see where the United States fits in.

    That’s right, numero uno. Not a good place to be in this case. Americans are the most obese individuals in the world. A sad fact to note considering that we are also some of the richest people, with some of the most vast & diverse availability to nutritious & wholesome food. (Please watch Food, Inc. for more information on this topic.)

    Turning the Tide
    The facts are straightforward. Constant rushing & vacation deprivation will cause you harm. Here are 3 super simple ways that you can combat these harmful habits.

    1. Practice efficient time management. Keep a calendar and don’t overbook yourself, no exceptions. We all have a ton of stuff that we want to get done, but we have to prioritize. Choose the tasks that mean the most to you and will provide you with the best ROI (return on investment). Don’t commit to anything that doesn’t benefit you, your career, your family, or your friends in a big way. Your time is precious and you should treat it as such.

    2. Use your vacation time, all of it. No matter how many days that your company allots for vacation, make sure and use it. If your company tends to be on the real stingy side with vacation, don’t be afraid to set a confidential meeting with your HR director to point out the importance of sufficient vacation time. Sufficient vacation time is mutually beneficial — you will feel better and thereby, your performance will improve. Win – Win!

    Likewise, if you work for yourself, make sure to pencil in enough time for R & R.

    3. Breathe. When you are rushing, you are most likely breathing shallow. Shallow breathing causes rapid heart rate & conversely, deep breathing causes a slower heart rate. Take time to observe your breathing throughout the day. If you find yourself shallow breathing, take a deep breath in through your nostrils. Let the air flow through your chest & deep into the pit of your stomach. Allow your stomach to expand, like a balloon, as it fills with air. Then slowly exhale through your nose and expel all of the air from your body. Breathe in deeply again, allowing the air to fill your stomach as before. Each time you inhale, take in the positive energy & light around you. Let it fill & calm your soul. Each time you exhale, push out your negative energy & fear. Continue to do this until you feel calm.

    * — * — * — * — *

    Slow down, be in the now.

  • · · ·

    Tired of Conflict Bringing You Down?

    Dealing With Conflict

    Conflict takes many forms—misunderstanding, frustration, ignorance, hatred, envy, and so on—but despite the cause, the result is largely the same: someone walks away with hurt feelings.

    The truth is, however, that this is not necessary. You can choose to be unaffected by conflict. It is not an easy thing to accomplish. You have, after all, lived your life believing that conflict equals pain. But with practice & patience you can learn to live above conflict in a place of true peace.

    “True peace can not be disturbed by gain or loss.”

    The reason that conflict hurts us is because we allow it to. Most pain comes from another person(s) or from our own minds. The key to being unaffected by conflict is to understand that anything that another person says to us (out of anger, frustration, etc.) is actually a reflection of her feelings about herself and is rooted in fear. Likewise, anything that our mind says to us (self-criticism, self-hatred, etc.) is also rooted in fear. All forms of discomfort—sadness, anxiety, worry, rage, hatred, envy, and so on—are rooted in fear.

    When you accept that angry words are actually reflections of fear, it makes them much less painful to tolerate. Even the angriest and most cruel of arguments is based in fear & insecurity.

    For example, you have a large project due at work. You bring it into your boss’s office an hour prior to the deadline. She notices that it is riddled with errors. Her face turns red and she begins to scream. “You idiot! How could you be so stupid? This is unacceptable. I can not believe I ever hired you. Get out!”

    On one hand, you are devastated. Her words have stung you at your core. You are insulted, sad, angry, afraid. But if you really stop to analyze the situation, why do you think she acted this way? Most likely, she is afraid. Most likely, she is terrified about the way that your “failure” is going to reflect on her. After all, wasn’t it her who hired you, gave you this assignment, failed to give you proper instruction, and so on? What will her boss think when she turns this project into him? Her explosion was based in fear.

    Another example, it is Saturday afternoon and you are sitting on the couch. Your husband comes in the door and notices that you have not swept the floors. He begins to speak angrily, “Haven’t you swept the floors? Didn’t you see this dirt? You’ve been so lazy recently.” You are crushed and devastated. How could he be so mean? But then again, you stop and analyze. The lawn is not mowed, the gutters are uncleaned, there are piles of crap strewn about the yard. Your husband is insecure about all of his unfinished chores and is projecting his self-frustration onto you. His remarks were based in fear and insecurity.

    If you take the time to truly analyze, you will find that almost every conflict is rooted in fear. Therefore, the vast majority of hurtful things that are ever said to you actually have absolutely nothing to do with you. This is an incredibly liberating concept (not to be confused with the rare scenario when you are actually wrong by the way). Still, just because the other person’s (or even your own self-inflicted) anger is based in fear, that still doesn’t make it right. Yes, perhaps both your boss and your husband were entirely out of line. It is alright for you to tell them so, but what is more important is the way that you process the conflict within yourself.

    Most people internalize the conflict. In any case, you take what was said and push it deep within yourself. Perhaps you believe the other person words. “Yes, I am lazy, stupid, ugly, etc.” The conflict turns into emotional pain and festers within you eventually becoming depression, anxiety, and so on. But as I mentioned at the start, none of that is necessary.

    You must accept the conflict (words) for what they are—someone else’s (or even your own mind’s) fears and insecurities. Fear is nothing to be afraid of or affected by. Most fear is completely unnecessary (read more about that).

    After the conflict, words, and judgments have passed, simply allow all of it to pass through and around you like water or air. Understand that it is something outside of you, that has nothing to do with you at all. It is not inside of you, it did not come from you, and you do not have to absorb it. Simply let it pass and then move on.

    Holding onto the pain of conflict is insane and unnatural. What do the birds do after the great storm has passed? They sing, of course! You will never hear the birds singing so sweetly and so loudly as they do after the storm has passed and the sun shines again. They do not mourn the broken nest, the wet feathers, or the lost supper. They simply sing and praise the light in gratitude. They rejoice that the sun has come again.

    In his book, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, Eckhart Tolle talks about his observation of duck fights. Two ducks approach one another. They squawk in anger for mere seconds. Then they turn away from one another, flap their great wings a few times, and swim on as if it never happened. This is true wisdom, true peace, in action. There is so much that we can learn from this simple observation.

    There is really no need to hold onto anger or discomfort. There is really no need to suffer. In life, you will find many reason to suffer. But a good reason to suffer, you will never find. Let conflicts pass through and around you. Do not hold onto them. You will almost always find that it never has anything to do with you anyway.

10 Comments

  1. For me, divorce was the best and bravest decision I ever made. Even though at times it felt very selfish, which is probably why I put it off for so many years. In the end, I knew it was best for all involved. My children now see a happier more peaceful mother. Someday I hope I can show them what a healthy relationship looks like.

    It is not easy…but you cannot stay ‘just for the kids’. My personal feeling was that I was teaching my children that it was acceptable to be treated the way I was…which, if it were my daughter, would NOT be acceptable.

    Divorce can be just as much a loving act as anything else…It all depends on how it is handled.

    Reply

    1. @ Dawn – Thank you so very much for sharing your story! I can not tell you how much it means to me. I am so proud of you for your courage, love, and commitment to your family. I hoped that someone would make a comment like this one — to give Lisa the perspective from someone who has really been through it.

      You are wonderful & your daughter is so lucky to have such a brave & loving mother. Thank you a million times! xo

      Reply

  2. I am a child of divorce, altough my parents did not get divorced until I was 31 years old. In my situation my parents stayed together for my sisters and I, but as children we had to grow up in an environment that was hostile. We endured fighting and bickering on a daily basis and lived with a lot of fear and knew my parents were not happy. We always knew it was a matter of time before they would get divorced. Now after much anger, resentment,and sadness my parents are divorced and trying to start life over in their 60’s. I think it is more difficult to handle this as an adult because one has their own beliefs and values and it is much harder to adapt to changes as you get older. Children are resilliant and can adapt to new situations much easier than adults.
    We are at a point now where we are trying to let go of our resentment towards our parents and accept their new lives. I can honestly say that my parents are both much happier and stronger people today and individually more pleasant to be around. The sadest part of this whole thing is that my parents spent 39 years married together and now don’t even acknowledge one another if they are in the same room. I often wonder if they would have gone their separate ways years earlier, if they would have been less angry towards one another and been able to have a civil and cordial relationship. Divorce is never easy on a family no matter what the age of the children. The most important thing for a child is to know they are loved and to grow up in a nurturing and stable environment. There are many factors that need to be considered when making the decision to divorce and it is never easy. The most important thing to consider is how your happiness or unhappiness will affect your parenting and what is the best possible environment for your children to live in so that they can thrive as individuals. Children learn by what we model and are much smarter than we give them credit for. Whatever your decision, it will be a brave one, that will require courage, but we are never dealt more than we can handle.

    Reply

    1. @ Keri – Thank you so much for your comment. I am absolutely in awe of how beautiful & inspirational your words are, even if they are coming from a sad place. You are so brave. I can not imagine what it must be like to go through what you are enduring. Even though you are an adult — this experience must be so hard to adapt to like you mentioned. Especially since you spent your entire life in a family that was intact (even if things were difficult at times).

      You are so right, when you say that children learn by what we model & are much smarter than we realize. You are hands down one of the most incredible, inspiring mothers that I have ever known. You have a sweet, gentle, wisdom that is absolutely heart-warming. It is as though you were meant to be a mother.

      I am so happy to hear that you parents are both much happier & stronger as a result of their decision. I hope that this happiness & strengths spills into the lives of your whole family. In the end, yes, the most important thing is that children know they are loved & growing up in a stable, nurturing environment. That is the greatest gift of all.

      I know that your advice will mean so much to Lisa as she makes her decision. Thank you so much for sharing.

      Reply
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