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Shine On, You Crazy Diamond (or How to Ignore Negative Criticism)

“I have no patience for anybody that doubts me, none at all.” —Tupac Shakur

About a year ago, I decided that I wanted to be a motivational speaker. At the time, I had a cozy office job, a good salary, and I received increases & promotions regularly. I was praised for my talents. It was incredibly secure and my future was “bright.” Yet, in my heart I knew that something was very wrong.

It felt like the life was being sucked out of me. Every day I had to get up and fight with myself to get out of bed. I was not passionate about that desk job. What I am passionate about is helping people to transform their lives. I am passionate about telling my story (overcoming depression & anxiety; becoming healthy; creating the life of my dreams) and teaching people how to do the same.

And so even though I had a really good, really secure, really comfortable thing going on—I had to leave. I had to take a risk and set out on a new journey to become a motivational speaker. It was time for me to take my own advice. Don’t settle for misery because you are afraid of change.

So I started out on my new adventure, but first I had to tie up loose ends. And this is where this post truly begins. As I set out on my journey to become a motivational speaker, I hit some major bumps in the road. Yes, when you truly want something the whole universe conspires to make it happen; but, first it throws a shit storm of resistance in your path to test your resolve.

My resistance came in the form of doubt from others. Here’s the thing, when you are a twenty-six year old woman, sometimes people will use your age and your gender against you. It might not be intentionally discriminatory and people won’t come out and say it outright, but it’s there. They’ll slip it in slyly, coyly, guised as a compliment or helpful advice— “You know, Dena, you should really consider getting some more professional experience under your belt. Speaking is a really competitive market.”

As I set out on my journey, these veiled comments cut me down to my core. I had started my journey with such passion & conviction. My heart & soul screamed— Yes! This is right. This is what you were meant to do! But the naysayers, the hurtful comments, and the raised eyebrows started to get to me. I sank, crushed. Maybe they were right? Maybe I am too young? Too female? Maybe I need “more experience under my belt.” Their doubt became my doubt; but then I remembered…

FORTUNE FAVORS THE BOLD.

Pardon my French, but just as I was about to give up, I said: You know what? Fuck that. Fuck them. Fuck anybody who doubts me! I believe in myself and I don’t need anybody else’s approval to shine on like the crazy diamond that I am. Yea. That felt a lot better. That felt right.

So I gathered all of the courage in my heart and booked a flight to Paris. That left me with no choice but to submit my resignation. I was getting on a Europe-bound plane two weeks later one way or the other! Walking into my boss’s office that morning was one of the most terrifying things that I’ve ever done, but I did it.

If you are looking to make a similar change, I’ve got a few tips to help you along your path.

1. Confidence. Remember, above all things, that you are a bright light in this world. Your glow is endless. The love within your heart is infinite. You have no boundaries and no limits. The only cage around you is the one that you create in your head. You are amazing. You are the best their ever was, the best there ever will be. There is no one in this world exactly like you; no one in this world capable of exactly what you are capable of.

When you find that light in your heart, that spark of confidence, flame it. Give it oxygen. Let it breathe. Let it spread. Don’t worry about what anybody else does. Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks. It is none of your business what people think of you anyway. Let that confidence fire roar and shove the sparks into the pockets of your spirit. Pull them out whenever you need them.

2. Embrace constructive criticism. Know the difference between constructive criticism and negativity. I am an enormous lover of constructive criticism. I can’t stand people who say that they appreciate constructive criticism; but as soon as you make a suggestion, they get defensive, jump down your throat, or say they’ve already tried that. That is a despicable way to be.

For every critic, cynic, and negative person in the world, there is another person who genuinely cares about your journey and wants you to succeed. They will be the ones cheering you on when you’re ahead and picking you up when you fall down. Listen to what they have to say—even when it stings.

A couple of weeks ago, I gave a talk in Pennsylvania. A friend reviewed the tape and commented, “I loved the story you told at the start, but you took too long to get to the point.” Now that is the kind of constructive criticism that I love! I know that she wants me to succeed and she wasn’t afraid to tell me how to make it better. I didn’t try to defend myself. Instead I just thanked her and made a note to shorten that bit next time around.

Accept constructive criticism with grace. It is the best way to improve yourself. If you reject it, you’ll end up in a delusional fantasy of your own perfection. And believe me, I’ve known people like that. It’s an ugly way to be.

3. Know your limitations & then defy them. Tim Ferriss said that 99% of people are convinced they are incapable of achieving great things, so they aim for mediocre. Understand that you are the exception. Don’t be a part of the 99%. Be a part of the 1% of the population that knows that you are entirely capable of unimaginable greatness.

Figure out what your weaknesses are and then bust your ass until they become your strengths. It doesn’t matter if you fall down 499 times. Just make sure that you get back up 500 times.

4. Remember, if it’s not okay it’s not the end. I took a giant leap of faith when I left my job last September to pursue a career as a motivational speaker. But the faith that I had, I had in myself. When you have faith in yourself, you can never be wrong. The path may not be easy, it sure as hell hasn’t been easy for me. It’s a struggle. Some days you cruise and some days it’s an uphill battle; but when you’re going through hell, keep on going.

Never forget that if it’s not okay, it’s not the end. It is the journey that matters. You are a star and no one can take that away from you.

Good luck, lover. Keep going and don’t look back. I am rooting for you!

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    My Journey to Financial Freedom | Part 1: The Fall

    Three years ago, I was nearly $60,000 in debt. I had a Bachelor’s degree that didn’t appear to be worth its weight in salt and a job that couldn’t cover a fraction of my monthly bills. I was terrified.

    Today, I am closer to complete financial freedom than I ever dreamed possible. Last week, I paid off my last remaining credit card balance. This two-part post is a celebration of this incredible milestone in my journey.

    In part one, I will explain how I got to that terrible place. In part two, I will explain how I’m getting out of it (and how you can do it, too).

    ————————————————————————

    A financial prison is the worst sort of prison to be stuck in. A financial prison does not have steel bars or a prison warden. You will not get sent to financial prison for committing a crime. There is only one person that can sentence you to financial prison. That person is you.

    There are two primary types of financial prisoners:

    1. There are those in financial prison who got there because they truly did not know any better. This type eventually realizes the error of their ways and breaks free.

    2. There are those who knowingly commit themselves to financial prison. This type is well aware of the consequences of living beyond her means; but she does it anyway.

    Of course there are also those who fall somewhere in the middle, like me… (Cue dream sequence.) It all started when I was 18. The guidance counseling systems in my high school and college were either completely inadequate or I simply refused to pay attention. I can’t honestly remember which it was, though I think it was the former. Either way, I was screwed.

    Before me, no one in my family had ever been to college so I didn’t receive much advice. I was thrilled to be out of high school and ready for the next step. I took my SATs one time and applied to one school. My parents, being average folks, made just enough money to prevent me from receiving financial aid; but not enough money to be able to pay my full tuition. For me, this meant loans: “lovely” student loans from “lovely” Sallie Mae.

    My mother co-signed and it was a cinch from there. Each semester I filled out a relatively simple form and like magic, Sallie Mae sent me a check. In fact, Sallie Mae was so generous that they allowed me to take out as much “extra” money as I needed every semester. It was fantastic! Yes, I had money to pay for books, meals, and extra curricula. I also had money to go out and binge drink, buy clothes I didn’t need, designer purses, and more. Sallie Mae was wonderful to me. And the best part if it was that there was no need for discussion. No one guided me, no one advised me, and no one asked me any questions. I showed up at the financial aid office a couple of times each year and it was always smooth sailing.

    On top of that, another great thing happened when I was 18! The credit card companies started to send me applications. And that was just as easy. I got one and then another and then another. Whatever I couldn’t cover with those pretty little checks from Sallie Mae, I could simply charge on my credit cards. College was good to me. I joined a sorority, I partied hard, I shopped until I dropped. What more could a girl ask for?

    It wasn’t all fun & games though. I worked through college. I worked at a children’s camp each summer; I was a Spanish teacher for two years; and toward the end of my college career I was a bookseller at Borders bookstore. All of the money I made working was spending money for me. I had Sallie Mae and the credit cards to pay all of my “real” bills.

    When I finally graduated, I was making a cool $8.25 an hour at Borders. I loved it. I was happy… until one day, out of no where, a letter came in the mail. I had a six month grace period and then I would have to start paying back those loans. My paychecks barely covered my minimum credit card payments. How was I going to make loan payments on top of that?

    So I sat down and did something that I’d never done before. I wrote up a budget. It was horrifying when I realized that even if I’d had no other bills, my monthly wages from Borders wouldn’t even cover half of my monthly student loan payments. The jig was up.

    All told, I came out of college with about $45,000 in student loan debt and almost $15,000 in credit card debt. I hadn’t even lived on campus; I commuted from home; my parents paid for some of my tuition; and I only went to a mediocre school. How the hell was this possible?

    All of a sudden Sallie Mae and the credit card companies didn’t seem so lovely anymore. There was one thought that kept repeating over & over in my head: Why didn’t anyone warn me? I felt cheated, betrayed, angry, afraid, and helpless. I wondered what the people in the financial aid office had been doing all that time. I wondered why my high school guidance counselor didn’t press me harder about applying for scholarships or grants. I wondered a lot of things, but mostly I wondered how the hell I was going to get out of the mess.

    I started sending out resumes for jobs with starting salaries that would at least cover my monthly student loan payments. I sent out resume after resume but before long, I realized another harsh reality. That Bachelor’s Degree in English with a Creative Writing Focus wasn’t so great either. Nobody was calling me back. I couldn’t even get an interview.

    The clock was ticking. I was halfway through my grace period. Then one day, one of my best friends mentioned an opening in her office. I looked over the job description and realized that it had nothing to do with what I’d gone to school for. I didn’t even know what it actually was, but the starting salary was more than what I needed. The rest was history.

    I’ve been at my current company for almost three years now. And yesterday I paid off my last remaining credit card balance! Additionally over these few years, I’ve cut my student loan debt almost in half and by next Winter, I will have it down to a quarter of what I started with.

    Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post, where I will share how I am doing it and how you can do it, too.

23 Comments

  1. I truly wish I had been given this kind of advice when I was younger. Dispite the fact that I am grateful for my children, and know that I journed the path I was inteneded…This advice would have been so very helpful to me.

    I hope to pass it on to many many more. When people ask what my dream is…I tell them I want a ranch on a hillside in California…Well of course they all scoff and say ‘it’s so expensive’…I just laugh, well, it’s my dream, and what the point of dreaming if you need to keep it practicle.

    I am inspired by you every time I read your messages. Thank you for reminding me that I am capable of great things…
    xoxox Cause we all know, you can never hear that often enough!

    Reply

  2. @ Dawn – Thank you so much for your kind words & for sharing your dream. I firmly believe that in order to accomplish our dreams, we must state them out loud & share them with whoever is willing to listen! We must let the Universe know what we want.

    I love your dream to live on a ranch. I have a similar dream. Of course I want to be a motivational speaker, but I also want a simple, quite “home” life, a few animals, and a family.

    I think that “unrealistic” goals are the best kind! They allow us to prove that we are capable of greatness. Let’s make it happen together. 🙂

    Reply

  3. Excellent post and lots of good thoughts to ponder. I am really impressed with your willingness to “GO” for it and am contiuing to root for you. I have been reading your posts for a little while and seldom comment, but, really wanted to congratulate you on this one.
    Your points about friends, constructive criticism and negativity are right on the mark. Knowing how to tell the difference and using the results positively is the trick. I used to try to please everyone and really didn’t “take a chance” on ideas, actions, whatever. In the last 10 years or so, I have finally figured most of it out; the important things in life are friends, family and doing good in the world. I keep those in mind whenever I try something different and let the negativity just bounce off me.
    Keep on doing what you do, I am inspired just reading your posts.

    Reply

    1. @ Lou – Thank you so much! It is inspiring to hear that you have made such a vast transition — from being a “people pleaser” to focusing on your core values (family, friends, and doing good). That is the type of lifestyle change that blows me away & that is what I am aspiring to myself. I am really glad that you’ve stuck around. Your presence is always positive. You keep reading, I’ll keep writing! 🙂 Thanks again.

      @ James – Really glad you liked the post! You’ve hit the nail on the head — no time or energy for the negative people in life. There are way too many positive souls & bright lights to keep focused on. I truly hope that you are right. If the post gives just one person motivation or courage, I will be infinitely grateful. Thank you!

      @ Kristin – remember: almost nothing worth having comes easy… Yes, yes, yes! It is important to remind ourselves of this regularly. In my life, I try to overcome the “overwhelm” by focusing on the journey rather than the end goal. It’s definitely a new experience for me as I am a naturally goal-oriented person. But it’s been really good so far. It’s like I am finally taking time to smell the roses. 🙂

      Reply

  4. Wow, this is an excellent article. I like what you had to say. I agree with you about negative people and naysayers. Life is too precious and short to let those kind of people drag you down. Thanks for writing this. I know that it will motivate a lot of people and give them courage to shine.

    Reply

  5. “These are the days that must happen to you”

    &remember: almost nothing worth having comes easy… which needs to be balanced with, if you are trying too hard to force something, perhaps a different path is available that will be more rewarding, but you’ll only see it if you open your eyes a little wider.

    I have to remind myself of these things periodically… and we all get through, don’t we?

    Reply

  6. Thank you for this post Dena. Awesome words of wisdom – and a great reminder for me to read today. Just what I needed to keep my chin up & keep going no matter what!

    Reply

    1. @ Dana – Thank you so much for your comment. It is awesome to see you here. You are such a huge inspiration to me! By the way, I absolutely love your http://RealFit.tv/ !! I am going to be running a SPRING FITNESS CHALLENGE here at the blog (post going up today) & will be sharing RealFit with all of my lovely readers.

      Keep up that positive energy, Dana & come visit again soon. 😉

      Reply

  7. Dena, That’s awesome! I’m so happy you checked the site out – I am excited to be recording new videos – I did a 30-minute spin & a kickboxing “essentials” class last week. Both will be posted soon. I have sooo many ideas on workout videos, I can wait to get them recorded & posted on a regular basis so I can help more people reach their fitness & health goals from the comfort of their own home. I love what you are doing with the spring challenge. I shared it on my FB wall – maybe I’ll sign up & help contribute? I’d be happy to give some free professional fitness advice to those who need some help if you are interested in having me? 😉

    Reply

    1. @ Dana – I can not wait to check out the new videos. They are absolutely amazing. You have so much energy & spirit, I can not help but to fall in love with everything you share.

      I would be SO honored to have you join in on the SPRING FITNESS CHALLENGE. Actually, if you would be willing I would love to have you do a guest post! That way we can share your expertise with the SPRING FITNESS participants and the rest of my readers. I’ll send you a message on FB.

      And finally, THANK YOU so much for sharing the challenge with your FB friends. It means so much to me. 🙂

      Reply

  8. I’m here via Gala Darling, and I just have to say, thank you so much for this. It’s exactly what I needed.

    After years of telling myself I can’t do what I love and that I should settle for something boring and practical, I decided to pursue a career as a writer and artist. Even though it’s only been a few months, I’m learning so much and prouder of myself than I was all those years of earning a steady income at a boring job. I call it an emotional growth spurt.

    But I still have those moments. Those moments where I wonder if I’m crazy and whether I have the right to be doing what I’m doing. So I’m going to bookmark your post, and maybe print it out and hang it on my wall.

    — Sarah

    Reply

    1. Hi Sarah! It is so wonderful to meet you. Glad that you found me. Isn’t Gala incredible? <3 She's introduced me to so many beautiful new friends.

      I am so excited to hear about your journey and about the huge leap of faith that you took to pursue your passion. Good for you–you are an inspiration! I'm going to check out your blog now to learn more about your journey. XO

      Reply

      1. Aww! Thanks for checking out my blog! You’re a sweetie. 🙂

        And Gala really is the best. She’s helped me so much already! I love to see people doing what they’re passionate about and what makes them happy. The more people I meet, the more I find strength.

        Reply

  10. I could not have read this at a better time in my life. Those first two paragraphs ARE me right now. I am grappling with pursuing soul feeding dreams or continuing on the “safe” route – plugging meaningless holes at someone else’s company. Thank you so much for writing this.

    Reply

    1. Hey Amanda! Thanks so much for the great comment. I love hearing that this came at the perfect time for you. That’s my biggest hope when I share my writing. You made my day. XO

      Reply

    1. thank you for stopping by! <3  i just checked out your site.  your wedding dress was gorgeous!  hope you'll visit again soon.  xo

      Reply

  13. Very inspirational post !
    What does a person do if luck doesnt favour you and people around you are negatively pulling you down ..?? How does a person then hold her own ?

    Reply

  14. i learn a lot of information from this post and bookmark it. i love how you use those interesting words. i had to google but then im learning at the same time. Inspring post like a friend advising.

    Reply

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