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My Name is Dena and I’m a Liar (How to Stop Lying)

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“In a time of lies, truth becomes a revolutionary act.” –Paulo Coelho

 

Alcoholic Anonymous’ Twelve Step Program is one of the most famous and useful addiction recovery programs in the world. I am a huge fan of the program and have seen it change the lives of countless individuals. Admission is the first step to recovery. “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.”

This first step, admission, is applicable to all addictions and that includes one that I’ve suffered from for most of my life — lying.

An alcoholic is an alcoholic until the day that he dies. Even if the alcoholic has been sober for twenty-five years, he is still an alcoholic. Likewise, most addictions last a lifetime, even if the person has not acted on the desires or instincts for a long period of time. Hence the title of this post, “My Name is Dena and I’m a Liar.”

I have changed my habit. I have stopped lying, but I still call myself a liar (or at best, a liar in recovery).

Why Did I Lie?

When I was younger, I lied because everything was a competition. This is fairly common among children and young adults. We have the desire to be bigger and better than the next person. So we stretch the truth; we exaggerate our stories; we become the constant hero; the smartest, prettiest, and the fastest.

As I got older, my reasons for lying changed. Often times, my reasons were completely unselfish. Most times, I was just trying to spare someone’s feelings.

A big piece of my lying puzzle is the fact that I was raised among liars & exaggerators. Not to name names, but many people in my family are notorious for telling tall tales! It is a running joke and what comes out of certain peoples’ mouths is never taken seriously. In that sort of environment, for a long while, I believed that lying was alright. I thought that it was normal.

The Truth Shall Set You Free — The Turning Point

In retrospect, all of my lying stemmed from one main issue: insecurity. I was not comfortable in my own skin. I told lies to makes myself feel better about myself. I told lies to make myself more appealing to others. I was afraid of honesty. Then one day, I woke up. In the process of undergoing some radical life changes (including beating depression & losing 70 pounds) I learned how to love myself.

“As was his language so was his life.” –Seneca

 

This is Why We Lie

Insecurity is the reason that most people lie. Whether you lie about your professional credentials; your fidelity within your marriage; your weight/height/age; or even if you lie simply to spare another person’s feelings — all of those lies stem from insecurity.

Along those lines, maybe it is your partner who is dishonest? Relationship coach Laura Doyle offers advice that even fibbers and deceivers can benefit from – “If he doesn’t fear an unpleasant consequence, like being criticized, rejected or punished, then he will be free to tell you the truth. Creating a culture of emotional safety is a powerful way to foster honesty.”

The other reason that you lie is because you hold on to a false belief that lying is necessary. A huge percentage of people hold the false belief that, “It is not possible to tell the truth.”

That belief is entirely wrong! It is absolutely possible to tell the truth. If you really wish to become a truthful person, you must accept that fact.

On your journey to honesty, you will come up with as many excuses as you can:

-My wife simply could not handle it if I told her the truth.
-I would certainly lose my job if I told my boss the truth.
-I can not tell my friends the truth, it would crush them.
-Insert your personal excuses here.

Many excuses you will find; but a good excuse you will never find. There is no truth behind them. Anything that “requires” you to lie — whether it be a spouse, a job, a friend, or anything else — is certainly not worth your time. If you are devoting any substantial amount of your life to such things, then you are surely living a life void of happiness & fulfillment and you should be seeking out greener pastures straight away.

You Can Stop Lying Right Now

1. Start with the first of the 12 Steps, admission. Admit that you are a liar.
2. Let go of the false belief that truth is not possible. Accept that truth is possible.
3. Cut out any forces in your life that require you to lie.
4. Remember that any relationship that is based in love will also be based in truth.
5. Become more secure with yourself and in your own skin. This might be the hardest step, but it is certainly the most worthwhile. You deserve to be loved and you must start by loving yourself.

Live a Life of Truth & Experience the Benefits

There are numerous positive benefits that accrue from telling the truth. These benefits include (but are not limited to):

* Greater success/personal expertise
* An increased sense of grounding/confidence
* Less anxiety/worry/guilt
* Increased ability to deal with crises/breakdowns
* Improved problem solving abilities
* Improved interpersonal relationships
* Greater emotional health/control of one’s emotions
* Increased ability to influence others
* Better sleep
* Better health
* Increased ability to think well/reason soundly
* Less need to control
* Good humor
* Greater self-expression and self-satisfaction

By Dr. Abraham Kryger, MD, DMD: The Benefits of Telling the Truth

The Necessity of Truth

It has been almost three years since I was an active liar. As with all things in life, sometimes I fall down; but I get back up. Every. Single. Time. The life of truth is not always the easiest life to lead. Perhaps it would be much easier to lie, to fabricate, to stretch truth to its very boundaries. But the life of truth is the best life, the life of a Warrior & a Goddess.

Lies do nothing to light our spirits or contribute to our growth as human beings. In the world in which we live, lying may seem commonplace & accepted; but do not let that dictate your life or your values. The media, the marketers, the politicians, and many of the celebrities will try to convince you of lies. You will be bomb-rushed with images of airbrushed women & men with so-called “perfect” bodies & airbrushed faces. You will be told that objects (nice cars, fancy jewelry, big screen televisions) will make you happy. They will try to deceive you with their corrupt agendas — but you must rise above all of that. You must and you will.

 

“Integrity is a choice. It is consistently choosing the purity of truth over popularity.” –Byrd Baggett

 

Over the past few years my reputation has transformed in many ways. Although I may have been known as a “stretcher of the truth” in my past, today I am known as a Warrior of Light and a spreader of truth. I work hard to maintain this perception by aligning my values with my thoughts, actions, and words. Sometimes it is not easy and sometimes feelings do get hurt; but respect and truth will always wi
n out in the end.

____________________________
Do you tell the truth? What things tend to get in the way of honesty in your life? What can you begin doing to overcome those obstacles?

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    Review: The Power of Now

    The Power of Now had been on my “to-read” list for years when, by a stroke of fate, a dear friend offered to lend me her audio copy. Based on my general understanding of the book and its content (prior to reading it) I felt that I would enjoy it; however, I was completely unprepared for the way that the book would speak to me, transform my perspective, and change my life.

    The Unreal Past & Future

    In The Power of Now, we learn that to live in the future or the past is to suffer. The only way to exist in true harmony is to live in the now. After all, the past is not real, the future is not real. The past and the future only exist in our minds.

    When I first heard this concept I refused to believe or comprehend it. Of course my past is real, I thought. Of course my future is real, too. How dare someone suggest that it is not? My ego lashed out; but then I thought more about it. I listened, opened my mind, and realized that it was true. I am going to ask you to walk through an exercise with me to help you understand.

    Let’s recall a memory in which you are eating something. Let’s say, for example, it’s a hot summer day and you’re licking an ice cream cone. Now, where ever you are—right now, present moment, not in the memory—I’d like you to stick your finger right into the ice cream and then throw it to the floor. Can you do that? Can you touch that ice cream cone from your memory? No, of course you can’t (unless you’re on hallucinogenics but that’s another story).

    The fact is that right now you can not touch that ice cream cone and therefore it is not real. It may seem real in your memory—in your mind—but it is not really “real”…not here, not now, not in existence. It is only a memory and it only exists in your mind.

    This principle is also true for the future. Imagine any future scenario in your mind. You win the lottery. You get fired from your job. You purchase a house. You fall off of a cliff. You can play each of those scenes out in your head. You can fill in as much detail as you like. You can mentally experience the future, but the truth remains that the future scenario isn’t “real”. You can’t actually reach out and touch anything in the future right now. The future only exists in your mind.

    When I finally grasped this concept I was shocked & amazed. It seems simple, but somehow I had been missing it for my entire life! To me, the past and the future were as real as the present. The past happened to me. The future was going to happen to me. I held on to these concepts for dear life. But then I realized the truth… the past and the present are not that important. They’re not even real. They are only in my head.

    You might be feeling a bit angry right now. (I know because I was at this point.) You might be thinking, How dare you claim that my past is not real? I’ve suffered, I’ve lived, I’ve triumphed, I’ve done X, Y, and Z. And my future, that is real too! I am going to do things 1, 2, 3, and so on!

    Your Ego Feeds on the Past & Future

    Well, my friend, I am not sorry to break it to you. That voice of anger is fueled by fear and the fear is coming from your ego.

    For your entire life, your ego has been calling the shots. He rules you by fear—fear over your past and fear over your future. So long as you believe in the reality of your past and your future, your ego has control over you. It uses every thing that ever happened in the past against you. It uses everything that you hope to happen in the future against you.

    There is only one way to overcome your ego and that is to live completely in the now. Let go of the past and the future. Be fully present in this moment.

    It is not easy. You’ve spent your entire life ruled by your ego, living in the past and present. But while it’s not easy, it is possible. It’s entirely possible for you to begin living entirely in the present moment, entirely in peace, love, & light, entirely free from the chains of your ego.

    The Power of Now is an excellent book and if you truly listen to every word and practice its teachings in your daily life, you will succeed. It has been quite a journey for me already and I’ve only been on it for a few weeks now! I am experiencing life in ways that I never dreamed possible. You can do it, too.

    *********

    Here are some of my favourite pieces from The Power of Now along with my interpretations of each.

    You have it already. You just can’t feel it because your mind is making too much noise.
    Eckhart Tolle tells us that that many people ask him to “give” them his gift. His response is always the same, You already have it.

    This is entirely true. Each of us already has the immense power of now within. Tolle nor anyone else can “give” that to us—but what he can do (and does in the book) is to show you how to harness the power in your own life.

    Not to be able to stop thinking is a dreadful affliction; but we don’t realize it because almost everyone is suffering from it. So, it is considered normal.
    After reading (listening to) The Power of Now, I realized that yes, the modern human being is suffering from a debilitating disease: compulsive over thinking.

    It is so obvious to me now! How many millions of people are suffering from anxiety, depression, and so on? Most of these individuals are suffering as such simply because of compulsive over thinking.

    When we stop our compulsive, ego-driven thoughts, we live in harmony. Sadly, however, most people just don’t know how to stop those thoughts.

    We must become the silent observer, as Tolle describes in the book. The first step to overcoming the compulsive thoughts is to recognize them, to be the silent observer of your mind.

    To see, but not see. To hear, but not hear.
    Have you ever had a moment, an hour, or a day where you were entirely mindless?

    For example, you are driving along the road completely spaced out from reality and suddenly you “wake up” and you don’t know where your head has been for some stretch of time. You know that you must have been seeing and aware, because you didn’t crash your vehicle. But you weren’t really there. You were seeing but not seeing.

    Another example, you are in conversation with a friend or loved one and you begin zoning out. You hear words coming out of her mouth, but when she finally stops talking, you realize that you have no idea what she just said. You were listening, but you weren’t really there. You were hearing but not hearing.

    This is what it means to see, but not see; to hear, but not hear. It is living life in an unconscious state, on autopilot. Most likely you are daydreaming about the unreal past or future. You can overcome this state of nothingness and time wasting by harnessing the power of now and being fully present in each moment.

    Humanity is under great pressure to evolve because it is the only chance for the survival of our species.
    “Humanity is under great pressure to evolve because it is our only chance of survival as a race. This will affect every aspect of your life and close relationships in particular. Never before have relationships been as problematic and conflict ridden as they are now. As you may continue to pursue the goal of salvation through a relationship, you will be disillusioned again and again. But if you accept that the relationship is here to make you conscious instead of happy, then the relationship will offer you salvation, and you will be aligning yourself with the higher consciousness that wants to be born into this world. For those who hold to the old patterns, there will be increasing pain, violence, confusion, and madness.”

    *********

    I could write ten posts about The Power of Now and I would only begin to scratch the surface. The book is extremely intensive. Tolle’s language is thick and weighted with meaning. The content is formatted as question and answer for the sake of clarity—but it is still heavy reading. As I mentioned earlier, I listened to the audio book and I would highly recommend this format. I have heard that reading the text can be confusing and I can understand why.

    The audio book does span several hours, but it is entirely worth every moment. If you can not afford to buy the audio book, you should consider borrowing it from your local library.

    If you decide to read or have read this book, I would love to hear your thoughts. Whether or not you decide to, I hope that you will consider the ideas that I have shared in this post.

    Thinking about being somewhere else uses up your precious, present moments. Be here now. —Wayne Dyer

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    Letting Go of the Past: Forgiveness

    Last week, I finished listening to Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now. It had been on my “to-read” list for years, when by a stroke of fate a dear friend offered to lend me her audio copy. I plan to do a full review of the book in the coming weeks but for now I want to focus on one important element—forgiveness of the past.

    Recently I started thinking about the first twenty-five years of my life. In The Power of Now, we learn that to live in the future or the past is to suffer. The only way to exist in true harmony is to live in the now. After all, the past is not real, the future is not real. The past and the future only exist in our minds. The only thing that is truly and completely real, is the now.

    The challenge with this, however, is that until we can accept, understand, and move on from the conditioning of the past, we can not experience true freedom. And in order to truly accomplish this, we must experience true forgiveness of the past—forgiving others & ourselves completely.

    As I reflected upon these truths, I realized that I have been holding on to a tremendous amount of pain from my own personal history. There is so much past that continues to haunt me and impact me in the now. One of the greatest sources of pain revolves around my former lifestyle.

    I spent so much of my life caught up in a false sense of self. I spent incredible amounts of money on material possessions that I now perceive as worthless (clothes, jewelry, useless electronics, etc.) For some reason, I fell into the marketing. I bought it—all of it. (You can read more about my journey into financial prison and my subsequent journey out in previous posts.)

    But that’s not really the point, the point is that I ended up here. I can sit around and feel sorry for myself, angry that so much of my life was wasted, frustrated that I’ve only paid off a fraction (albeit a substantial fraction) of my debts so far; but if I did all of that where would it get me? It wouldn’t get me anywhere except maybe on a private jet to my own personal pity party. No thank you.

    Instead of wallowing, I am grateful. Grateful that I have come this far. Grateful that I’ have learned these lessons and changed the direction of my life by the age of 25 (soon-to-be 26). Grateful to be surrounded by a community of people that support me and believe in me. Grateful to have discovered my life’s true purpose and passion. Grateful to be doing what I love (even if only part of the time). Grateful to be safe, secure, healthy, strong, and beautiful.

    As I move through these emotions of gratitude for what I have now and what I am now, I find that the pain of my history slips away. I believe that I am finally on a path toward true forgiveness of the past. The reality is that it happened. I made mistakes, like all fallible human beings do. However, without making those mistakes, I may never have come to this place, to this now.

    The past grants us wisdom & grace. The memories that haunt us the most, are usually the memories that taught us the greatest lessons. Forgiveness will come from acceptance. So, the trick to true forgiveness is true acceptance. Once we can accept our past unconditionally, we can live fully in the now.

    I am making my way on this journey slowly. For most of my life, I focused almost entirely on the past—heart breaks, mistakes, errors in judgment, loss, failures, and so on—but that was a tragic mistake. What I now know is that the past is gone, the only thing that matters is now. And likewise, the future is a distant place that exists only in my mind. The only thing that matters is right now.

    Transforming the way that I think has been a challenging process, but I have come a tremendous distance already and I will keep on pushing forward, always.

    Now I ask you, reader, what pieces of your past are you holding on to? Are you willing to accept those pieces unconditionally so that you may truly forgive and live in harmony & light? Will you join me on this journey?

13 Comments

  1. That is unless you’re lying to yourself. If you’re holding to wrong beliefs, you may not realize that you’re lying (to yourself) as you indeed to believe these lies yourself (“you’re drinking your own koolaid”)

    Reply

  3. I am a liar. I’ve lied to everyone in my life for many reasons, all excuses to protect myself. I like lying. It’s easy, but only for a short while. I then need to lie again, to define myself. I started a 12step for liars today after almost ending a ten year relationship. I still have my best friend, but he knows I don’t respect him. I told him the truth, at the time to try a save the relationship by being honest. But it’s not enough to give him honesty when I’m backed against a wall. I want to give him more. I want more. I admitted last night that I was a coward. I have never forgiven my acts of cowardice over my lifetime. I hid and hated myself, viciously clinging to lies. I still want to lie impulsively, but I’m dedicated to the truth. Please help yourself if this is you. It is worth the pain to be free.

    Reply

  4. Thank you for this. I have messed up so badly and had no idea why I was lying over and over again. Now I no its possible for me to better to be the person I want to be.

    Reply

  5. I have been lying all my life. I grew up in a household of liars and exaggerators and it has affected me in a way that i can’t stop lying. Recently I lied to my parents and blamed my friend for something I did, and then lied to that friend and said I didn’t blame them to protect our friendship. They don’t believe me and I wouldn’t either, I apologised for the situation but haven’t got a response. I want to stop lying because I am losing all of my friends to it, and I want to be a better person, but until this post I had no clue how. I am going to try my best to do better. Because lying bas brought me nothing but guilt and pain in my life. Thank you for this.

    Reply

  6. Hi im tayler and i am a liar. I have lied for years and hurt people around me. I have met the most amazing guy and his girls. But my lies are about make me lose everything. This is day one of fixing my problem. So wish me luck. I wanna give my man more then just honesty i wanna give him all of me. To fix the foundation of our relationship.

    Reply

  7. I am a liar, I lie because I’m scared of the consequences of not lying even though the consequences of telling lies are always far worse than the consequences of telling the truth

    I Lie because I’m a COWARD and my lies have almost certainly ended eight years of marriage to the most incredible person I have ever met and for that I can never forgive myself

    I am today sober from lying, I will not lie from this day onward

    Reply

  8. Hi there, my name is Michael, and I am a liar. I’m 26 turning 27 in October, and I’ve been lying my entire life, ever since I was a kid. I’ve lied so much and from such an early age that I never gave myself the chance to actually figure out or be remotely close to figuring out who I am. The worst part is that I’m an actor, so My passion and my livelihood are based in a business steeped in lies. I’ve hurt so many people over the years with my lies and I continue to hurt the people closest to me because of it. I cant bear the shame and depression of having hurt the people I love. I’m trying now to live in a place of integrity and truth, but the truth is terrifying, I’m terrified that I’m going to slip up and lie again because of how second nature it is to me. Does anyone on here know of any support groups for liars? thank you

    Reply

  9. hi my name is Tatum and I have been a compulsive liar as far back as I can remember, even when I am lying I convince myself that I am telling the truth and even when I am telling the truth those around me believe that I am lying its a horrible circle. It is terrifying to think that I use my own insecurities and inner thoughts to hurt those who are closest to me with no understanding for how it may make them feel. I am desperately searching for a life of integrity and moral high ground whereby I can live a more fulfilling life without anxiety surrounding my daily lies. I have hurt so many people in my life and even when they desperately urge me to change I continue to do it. Does anyone know any support groups out there or mechanisms to help me move forward? Thank you in advance.

    Reply

  10. I’m a liar. Ever since I could talk, I would lie. Lies were my security blanket so I wouldn’t have to face myself. I’ve lost so many friends and partners due to my lies. It has even ruined my relationship with my mom. I don’t want to be this way forever. I want to like myself so much but I’m not sure I know how

    Reply

  11. I’m Joe and I am a liar. I am already in 12 steps for another addiction. My lying goes way way back, I want to figure out the root cause. I have a Theapist for my other addiction and we’ll be starting some work on my lying but it may be too little to late to save my marriage (at least that’s how it feels right this moment). She has given me way too many 2nd chances. And tonight I just did it again, without forethought, and I promised her and God this morning I wouldn’t. I need to leave for my 12 steps group. I just don’t know what to do at this moment.

    Reply

  12. Hi, I am a compulsive liar, and I am so ashamed of myself. The problem is, it’s all but destroyed my marriage. I’ve been telling my wife I’ll change but as I do I go back into it. I will do whatever I can to fix myself and fix our marriage, but deep down I know my wife will never believe me if I’m telling the truth. I’ve found that writing a journal and expressing my feelings helps, but I still lied to protect feelings. I lie to hide away, to not face my wrongdoings and to impress. I’ve failed the one person I love with all my heart, and I pray that I can change for the better. Reading that I’m not the only person with this problem has really helped. I can’t afford therapy and I’m rock bottom. I don’t deserve her, and I have to change….I want to change. Have I left it too late? Only God knows. I love this woman so much but how can she love me when I lie so much. Any advice or support would be great. Good luck to you all!

    Reply

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