let it be beautiful.
Happy Monday, friends. I hope that you had a beautiful weekend. It is cold, dark, and rainy outside my window right now, just the way a November morning should be. Before I start this post, I want to say thank you to each of you who signed up for my newsletter last week. I was so touched as I watched new subscription after new subscription come into my inbox. I am so grateful for this space and for the beautiful community that has grown around it over the past nine years. It means more than I can ever say that you all take the time to follow my work and support me. I am grateful beyond measure.
Speaking honestly, I’ve fallen into a depression for the past couple of weeks. It’s been a combination of a lot of things, circumstances plus the change of season. Normally I can find the good in life even when things are difficult, but sometimes optimism isn’t enough. I found that no matter how hard I tried to come out from under the depression, I sunk in deeper. It was like quicksand.
It all came to a head on Saturday night. After the kids were asleep, I lay in bed watching The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks. At the height of the movie, there came a moment when I just lost it. I mean it’s not uncommon for me to cry during movies, I actually do it all of the time. But this was something else. I. LOST. IT. I was sobbing uncontrollably, I cried so hard that my eyes burned and my face puffed up. Over the course of the week leading up to that moment, I felt like tears were constantly welling up within me. There were so many times where I thought I would cry, where I wanted to cry even. But nothing ever came and then, in that moment, when the emotions of that movie hit me, it was like the flood gates opened.
This isn’t a post about the movie, though, it’s a post about that moment and how I am glad that it happened. Clearly there was a lot of emotion bottled inside of me and it felt good to let it out. Afterward, I felt lighter. I’ve been grappling with the emotions that I felt since then, coming to terms with them, coming to terms with everything that has happened in my life the last few years.
I was talking to a friend yesterday, explaining how in these last years I’ve gone from one extreme, difficult situation to another. In the last few weeks, I have for the first time been able to stop and catch my breath. What that has taught me is that sometimes it’s easier to face crisis after crisis then to have to sit quietly with your life and stare at it hard in the face and realize what it has become. If you’re subscribed to my newsletter, then you’ll understand more about what I am saying, but for now I’m going to leave this post as it is.
I am slowly coming out of the darkness — or at least coming into a place where I can manage it. When it comes to depression and anxiety, sometimes the victory is not in overcoming it entirely, but in remembering that it can be overcome.
. It had been on my “to-read” list for years, when by a stroke of fate a dear friend offered to lend me her audio copy. I plan to do a full review of the book in the coming weeks but for now I want to focus on one important element—
Hi let me start by saying THANK YOU, thank you for this post. I came across your page as I goggled (inspirational women bloggers). I need it to read this today. I suffer from anxiety, depression to name some, and reading how someone can open there hearts to us its incredible. I want you to know today you have made my day. keep being strong because its true we can overcome this. Knowing I am not the only one going through this helps even though we might know it, its nice to be reminded
Thank You
Maylen