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    Tired of Conflict Bringing You Down?

    Dealing With Conflict

    Conflict takes many forms—misunderstanding, frustration, ignorance, hatred, envy, and so on—but despite the cause, the result is largely the same: someone walks away with hurt feelings.

    The truth is, however, that this is not necessary. You can choose to be unaffected by conflict. It is not an easy thing to accomplish. You have, after all, lived your life believing that conflict equals pain. But with practice & patience you can learn to live above conflict in a place of true peace.

    “True peace can not be disturbed by gain or loss.”

    The reason that conflict hurts us is because we allow it to. Most pain comes from another person(s) or from our own minds. The key to being unaffected by conflict is to understand that anything that another person says to us (out of anger, frustration, etc.) is actually a reflection of her feelings about herself and is rooted in fear. Likewise, anything that our mind says to us (self-criticism, self-hatred, etc.) is also rooted in fear. All forms of discomfort—sadness, anxiety, worry, rage, hatred, envy, and so on—are rooted in fear.

    When you accept that angry words are actually reflections of fear, it makes them much less painful to tolerate. Even the angriest and most cruel of arguments is based in fear & insecurity.

    For example, you have a large project due at work. You bring it into your boss’s office an hour prior to the deadline. She notices that it is riddled with errors. Her face turns red and she begins to scream. “You idiot! How could you be so stupid? This is unacceptable. I can not believe I ever hired you. Get out!”

    On one hand, you are devastated. Her words have stung you at your core. You are insulted, sad, angry, afraid. But if you really stop to analyze the situation, why do you think she acted this way? Most likely, she is afraid. Most likely, she is terrified about the way that your “failure” is going to reflect on her. After all, wasn’t it her who hired you, gave you this assignment, failed to give you proper instruction, and so on? What will her boss think when she turns this project into him? Her explosion was based in fear.

    Another example, it is Saturday afternoon and you are sitting on the couch. Your husband comes in the door and notices that you have not swept the floors. He begins to speak angrily, “Haven’t you swept the floors? Didn’t you see this dirt? You’ve been so lazy recently.” You are crushed and devastated. How could he be so mean? But then again, you stop and analyze. The lawn is not mowed, the gutters are uncleaned, there are piles of crap strewn about the yard. Your husband is insecure about all of his unfinished chores and is projecting his self-frustration onto you. His remarks were based in fear and insecurity.

    If you take the time to truly analyze, you will find that almost every conflict is rooted in fear. Therefore, the vast majority of hurtful things that are ever said to you actually have absolutely nothing to do with you. This is an incredibly liberating concept (not to be confused with the rare scenario when you are actually wrong by the way). Still, just because the other person’s (or even your own self-inflicted) anger is based in fear, that still doesn’t make it right. Yes, perhaps both your boss and your husband were entirely out of line. It is alright for you to tell them so, but what is more important is the way that you process the conflict within yourself.

    Most people internalize the conflict. In any case, you take what was said and push it deep within yourself. Perhaps you believe the other person words. “Yes, I am lazy, stupid, ugly, etc.” The conflict turns into emotional pain and festers within you eventually becoming depression, anxiety, and so on. But as I mentioned at the start, none of that is necessary.

    You must accept the conflict (words) for what they are—someone else’s (or even your own mind’s) fears and insecurities. Fear is nothing to be afraid of or affected by. Most fear is completely unnecessary (read more about that).

    After the conflict, words, and judgments have passed, simply allow all of it to pass through and around you like water or air. Understand that it is something outside of you, that has nothing to do with you at all. It is not inside of you, it did not come from you, and you do not have to absorb it. Simply let it pass and then move on.

    Holding onto the pain of conflict is insane and unnatural. What do the birds do after the great storm has passed? They sing, of course! You will never hear the birds singing so sweetly and so loudly as they do after the storm has passed and the sun shines again. They do not mourn the broken nest, the wet feathers, or the lost supper. They simply sing and praise the light in gratitude. They rejoice that the sun has come again.

    In his book, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, Eckhart Tolle talks about his observation of duck fights. Two ducks approach one another. They squawk in anger for mere seconds. Then they turn away from one another, flap their great wings a few times, and swim on as if it never happened. This is true wisdom, true peace, in action. There is so much that we can learn from this simple observation.

    There is really no need to hold onto anger or discomfort. There is really no need to suffer. In life, you will find many reason to suffer. But a good reason to suffer, you will never find. Let conflicts pass through and around you. Do not hold onto them. You will almost always find that it never has anything to do with you anyway.

60 Comments

  1. Great post Dena. You’re so right when you start making the saving, instead of the spending, automatic it soon grows…and grows.

    Very, very inspiring 🙂

    1. @ Laura – Thank you so much for your kind words! Yes. After awhile saving becomes like an addiction. You can’t wait to see that number in your savings account growing & growing. I never though I would see ME become addicted to saving (and not spending)! But it is amazing what we can accomplish with some goal-setting & dedication.

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  5. Absolutely awesome Dena!!! What a story and what a how-to post!! I’ve learned to love the prospects of positive thinking, believing in yourself, and visualizing the reality that you want. It is those small steps that really transform a persons thought process. The negative thoughts people often have about themselves generally translate into reality because they start believing them. Once that happens the road to independence seems hopeless, therefore giving the person no reason to even try. One of the most important things I have learned about myself is that, often times, I am my own worst enemy. It is I, that limits my abilities and successes more than anyone else eve could. Once I learned that about myself, my life began to take a drastic and purposeful turn in the right direction. It was one of the most rewarding lessons EVER!!

    Great post Dena! Keep inspiring others to take control and grow into something they never thought possible!! I LOVE IT!!

    Evolution YOU-NIVERSITY baby!!! 🙂

    1. @ Brad – Thank you so much for your incredible, inspirational comment! You are so wonderful. I have said it before & I will say it again: I am so grateful to have friends like you. Your story & wisdom have been beautiful guiding forces to me throughout my own journey.

      I am so happy to hear that the power of positive thinking has been having such a profound impact on you, too. We are blessed to be creating these lives & to be helping other people get on their own paths. Thank you so very much — as always — for your support! 😉

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  16. Hey Dena I loved this post. I am working on getting my finances in order ad well I am working on paying off my credit card debt so I Amin a debt management right now. I am still in school so my student loans arenot going any where but I have found that I spend on fast-food and other things. I need to be more positive about what I want and stop being so pessimistic. I def loved your tips and congrats on having an abundant amount in your savings account I do not any savings and I need to realize that I need to save something and it will grow I had an ing direct account a very long time ago will have to open another one I will start to think differently about saving and my needs vs my wants

    1. @ Michelle – Thank you for your comment. I am so happy to hear that you are working to get your finances in order. It is such an important part of out health & well-being. I am not saying that we have to be wealthy, but we shouldn’t have to live with debt hanging around our necks, or with compulsive spending habits.

      You are right, taking a positive approach toward your situation will help you move forward. Visualize where you want to be and then take yourself there. You can do it! 🙂

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  23. Awesome post, (I know it’s old but i’m going through the archives for the first time ever) I was saving 1 thousand a month at one point too but somewhere along the way I lost control of my budget even though I just got a raise, I seem to feel like I have less money. I recently celebrated my first 10k saved, also!

    1. I know how you feel. Sometimes, when you start to make more, you also start to SPEND more. It’s a difficult habit to break. The key (in my experience) has been to stick to a budget/lifestyle and don’t start over-spending just because of the salary increase.

      Thanks so much for sifting through the archives, I really appreciate your presence. <3

  24. Thank You. After evaluating my bank account, my spending habits, and my credit report…This is what I needed to push me forward. Change is good and at times, change is what necessary.

  25. I will catch you in ten months… I am going on a cruise to Europe (my goal) and spending ONLY what I save from my 10,000 account. It is my one big dream purchase that I won’t apologize for, and I’m putting it out there so I am accountable to my dream (saving the money, and going on the cruise).

    1. Hi Trina — I started life coaching after I overcame anxiety and depression. I wanted to help others to do the same. 🙂

  26. Very inspiring just accidentally ran onto your blog and love it! By the dates of the first few comments I can tell this was written a few years back but i’m just wondering if you and your husband have kept this up. My wife and I started our savings journey and Mint.com is the best. We have reached the 10k mark but our ultimate goal is 100k!! Wish us luck!

    1. Thanks for stopping by. 🙂 Yes, this was years ago. We are still saving. 🙂 Simple living has helped greatly over the years. Best of luck in your quest to 100K!

  27. Hi i have seen your post a few weeks ago and it made me put some of your tips into practice and i must say that i feel much better for it, i have saved this in my favs and read it a couple of times a week ,thank you you have helped me get on the path to a better future.

  28. Great post. I’m retired on a fixed income. I pay myself $10 to $20 a day from my checking account to my savings. It might sound silly but each of us have to discover our own way of managing, and with a click of a mouse it’s easy. If that money stays in my checking account, I’m going to spend it and I know it.

  29. I absolutely LOVED reading this blog! It was very informing..each tip was very helpful. I took notes and plan on using each and everyone to my advantage to start saving and get on the road to financial freedom! I appreciate you taking the time out to write this blog!! I loved it! Thanks so much!!!!! I’ll be back in 6 months to let you know how your advice helped me save $10,000!!!!

    xoxoxoxo

    Mercedes!!! 🙂

  30. Thank you for this post,.. while it will take me longer to reach my first goal of $10K+ (12 months @ $850 mo) This Post gave me the added enthusiasm I needed to get focused and start saving! I enjoy watching the account grow & also paying down CC debt. Once my credit cards are paid off i’ll fully fund my savings and can reach the next milestone ($25K) faster!!

  31. Thank you for this post!! Im currently attempting to save 10k in the same amount of time. I have 64k worth of loans and a 50k salary job. I wanted to know how did you manage to pay your loans and save at the same time?

    Thank you in advance

  32. Great work on this! I changed my lifestyle when I decided to be a stay at home parent with my LEO husband. Practicing minimalism like you mentioned was super important! I wish more people thought like this and realized that there are more important things in life like family and love in life! Have fun in Paris!

  33. This doesn’t make any sense to me. I make less than $10,000 a year and you spend more than that in 6 months.

    1. I’m not sure that I understand your line of reasoning here, but this advice certainly is only applicable given certain income ranges. Also, I don’t spend more than 10K in six months. That would definitely completely destroy my budget.

  34. Hi! I am so glad to have found this 🙂 thank you for inspiring me to get my financial butt in shape! I agree with everything you’re suggesting. I do have a question – how did you manage paying off your credit cards and saving at the same time? I feel like this is where I get hung up the most. Thanks!

  35. Thanks for the inspirational post on how to save your money. I got a job now and was thinking of buying the latest gadget again but I now I know what my needs and wants. So I think I’d rather save it for my future.

  36. I am so happy that I stumbled upon this amazing article! I am 25 and I am finally at a point in my life where I am seeking financial freedom. I recently started a new job that pays pretty well so this is the perfect opportunity for me to pay off my debt and save like nobody’s business. I am A entrepreneur at heart so I took this job with a savings goal in mind so that I wont have to be stuck here for long but i refuse to leave without meeting my savings goal/ start up cost for my jewelry small business. Thank you for this beautiful insight! I feel Like I can do it after reading this 💗

    -Sydney

  37. This was super helpful! Thank you so much for sharing your advice 🙂 “spend responsibly and spend when it leads to long-term happiness instead of instant gratification” is my new life motto now! 🙂

  38. Seriously??? Visualization and thinking about abundance??? How about having a job… you neglect to even mention that as one of the steps… This is absurdly impractical. Not to mention the blatant sales attempt for Mint.

    1. Haha. Thanks for reading. No sales attempt. I didn’t even collaborate with Mint on this post. It’s just a tool that I used to use and found helpful. Cheers, mate and happy new year.

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