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You Cannot Save People

evolutionyou.net

“You cannot save people. You can only love them.” —Anaïs Nin

Like all families, my family had its problems. For as long as I can remember, I believed that it was my responsibility to fix them. And so, at the ripe old age of ten, I started trying. I made lists, drew plans, and created budgets. I’d gotten it into my head that I was responsible for everything that happened around me. So I made it my life’s mission to right the wrongs, to fix everything that was broken, and to somehow make everybody happy.

I spent the greater part of my life on this suicide mission. My self-worth depended on it. When bad things happened, I did my best to make them better. But most of the time I failed. See, I was never going to be able to fix a marriage, or prevent anyone from losing their home, or talk a friend out of an abusive relationship. But because I thought that I had to, I tried. Time and time again, I tried. And time and time again, I failed.

I couldn’t understand it. I spoke from my heart and I gave people good, solid advice. But no one listened to me. They just kept on with what they were doing. Sometimes they even went and did the opposite of what I suggested. The heartaches grew more painful, the financial situations grew more dire, and the marriages fell apart.

All the while, the little girl who thought it was her job to fix things grew sadder. I was a failure. Everything crumbled around me. It was all my fault.


Such are the thoughts of the anxious and the depressed. Why are some people predisposed to this line of thinking? There are two types of people in this world. There are the people like me, we make ourselves sick with worry. We internalize all of the pain and blame ourselves for everything. We are racked with guilt. Then there are the other people, the people we try to help. The ones who seem hell-bent on a path of destruction. Who don’t take good advice, but always come crawling back when the shit hits the fan.


I don’t remember which session it was, but I was in a session with the therapist who saved my life with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). We were talking, again, about my guilt, about how I thought that everything was my fault. It was something about my family. I’d been blaming myself for something ridiculous and I was awaiting her response. There was silence for a moment, and then she said, “Dena, did you ask to be born?”

That was a lightning moment for me. There are still-points in a life wherein everything else falls away. We define our lives in chunks of time, separated by these great, catastrophic instances. This was one of those instances. My life can be cleanly divided into two parts—everything that came before that moment and everything that came after it. I was inexplicably, irrevocably changed.

I had not asked to be born. Everything was not my fault. And I could not save everybody.


Andy Warhol wrote that “When people are ready to, they change. They never do it before then, and sometimes they die before they get around to it. You can’t make them change if they don’t want to, just like when they do want to, you can’t stop them.” I have had to learn this truth the hard way, the very hard way. I had to spend the first half of my life like a chicken with my head cut off. I ran myself straight into the ground trying to save people. I suffered deeply and often.

And then one day, I learned the truth. I learned that I am never going to be able to save anyone. The only way a person can be saved is to save themselves. And whether I like it or not, not everybody wants to be saved. All that I can do is love. And so I do, and so I will. Sometimes I forget this, sometimes I need to be reminded.

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  • · · · ·

    Review: The Power of Now

    The Power of Now had been on my “to-read” list for years when, by a stroke of fate, a dear friend offered to lend me her audio copy. Based on my general understanding of the book and its content (prior to reading it) I felt that I would enjoy it; however, I was completely unprepared for the way that the book would speak to me, transform my perspective, and change my life.

    The Unreal Past & Future

    In The Power of Now, we learn that to live in the future or the past is to suffer. The only way to exist in true harmony is to live in the now. After all, the past is not real, the future is not real. The past and the future only exist in our minds.

    When I first heard this concept I refused to believe or comprehend it. Of course my past is real, I thought. Of course my future is real, too. How dare someone suggest that it is not? My ego lashed out; but then I thought more about it. I listened, opened my mind, and realized that it was true. I am going to ask you to walk through an exercise with me to help you understand.

    Let’s recall a memory in which you are eating something. Let’s say, for example, it’s a hot summer day and you’re licking an ice cream cone. Now, where ever you are—right now, present moment, not in the memory—I’d like you to stick your finger right into the ice cream and then throw it to the floor. Can you do that? Can you touch that ice cream cone from your memory? No, of course you can’t (unless you’re on hallucinogenics but that’s another story).

    The fact is that right now you can not touch that ice cream cone and therefore it is not real. It may seem real in your memory—in your mind—but it is not really “real”…not here, not now, not in existence. It is only a memory and it only exists in your mind.

    This principle is also true for the future. Imagine any future scenario in your mind. You win the lottery. You get fired from your job. You purchase a house. You fall off of a cliff. You can play each of those scenes out in your head. You can fill in as much detail as you like. You can mentally experience the future, but the truth remains that the future scenario isn’t “real”. You can’t actually reach out and touch anything in the future right now. The future only exists in your mind.

    When I finally grasped this concept I was shocked & amazed. It seems simple, but somehow I had been missing it for my entire life! To me, the past and the future were as real as the present. The past happened to me. The future was going to happen to me. I held on to these concepts for dear life. But then I realized the truth… the past and the present are not that important. They’re not even real. They are only in my head.

    You might be feeling a bit angry right now. (I know because I was at this point.) You might be thinking, How dare you claim that my past is not real? I’ve suffered, I’ve lived, I’ve triumphed, I’ve done X, Y, and Z. And my future, that is real too! I am going to do things 1, 2, 3, and so on!

    Your Ego Feeds on the Past & Future

    Well, my friend, I am not sorry to break it to you. That voice of anger is fueled by fear and the fear is coming from your ego.

    For your entire life, your ego has been calling the shots. He rules you by fear—fear over your past and fear over your future. So long as you believe in the reality of your past and your future, your ego has control over you. It uses every thing that ever happened in the past against you. It uses everything that you hope to happen in the future against you.

    There is only one way to overcome your ego and that is to live completely in the now. Let go of the past and the future. Be fully present in this moment.

    It is not easy. You’ve spent your entire life ruled by your ego, living in the past and present. But while it’s not easy, it is possible. It’s entirely possible for you to begin living entirely in the present moment, entirely in peace, love, & light, entirely free from the chains of your ego.

    The Power of Now is an excellent book and if you truly listen to every word and practice its teachings in your daily life, you will succeed. It has been quite a journey for me already and I’ve only been on it for a few weeks now! I am experiencing life in ways that I never dreamed possible. You can do it, too.

    *********

    Here are some of my favourite pieces from The Power of Now along with my interpretations of each.

    You have it already. You just can’t feel it because your mind is making too much noise.
    Eckhart Tolle tells us that that many people ask him to “give” them his gift. His response is always the same, You already have it.

    This is entirely true. Each of us already has the immense power of now within. Tolle nor anyone else can “give” that to us—but what he can do (and does in the book) is to show you how to harness the power in your own life.

    Not to be able to stop thinking is a dreadful affliction; but we don’t realize it because almost everyone is suffering from it. So, it is considered normal.
    After reading (listening to) The Power of Now, I realized that yes, the modern human being is suffering from a debilitating disease: compulsive over thinking.

    It is so obvious to me now! How many millions of people are suffering from anxiety, depression, and so on? Most of these individuals are suffering as such simply because of compulsive over thinking.

    When we stop our compulsive, ego-driven thoughts, we live in harmony. Sadly, however, most people just don’t know how to stop those thoughts.

    We must become the silent observer, as Tolle describes in the book. The first step to overcoming the compulsive thoughts is to recognize them, to be the silent observer of your mind.

    To see, but not see. To hear, but not hear.
    Have you ever had a moment, an hour, or a day where you were entirely mindless?

    For example, you are driving along the road completely spaced out from reality and suddenly you “wake up” and you don’t know where your head has been for some stretch of time. You know that you must have been seeing and aware, because you didn’t crash your vehicle. But you weren’t really there. You were seeing but not seeing.

    Another example, you are in conversation with a friend or loved one and you begin zoning out. You hear words coming out of her mouth, but when she finally stops talking, you realize that you have no idea what she just said. You were listening, but you weren’t really there. You were hearing but not hearing.

    This is what it means to see, but not see; to hear, but not hear. It is living life in an unconscious state, on autopilot. Most likely you are daydreaming about the unreal past or future. You can overcome this state of nothingness and time wasting by harnessing the power of now and being fully present in each moment.

    Humanity is under great pressure to evolve because it is the only chance for the survival of our species.
    “Humanity is under great pressure to evolve because it is our only chance of survival as a race. This will affect every aspect of your life and close relationships in particular. Never before have relationships been as problematic and conflict ridden as they are now. As you may continue to pursue the goal of salvation through a relationship, you will be disillusioned again and again. But if you accept that the relationship is here to make you conscious instead of happy, then the relationship will offer you salvation, and you will be aligning yourself with the higher consciousness that wants to be born into this world. For those who hold to the old patterns, there will be increasing pain, violence, confusion, and madness.”

    *********

    I could write ten posts about The Power of Now and I would only begin to scratch the surface. The book is extremely intensive. Tolle’s language is thick and weighted with meaning. The content is formatted as question and answer for the sake of clarity—but it is still heavy reading. As I mentioned earlier, I listened to the audio book and I would highly recommend this format. I have heard that reading the text can be confusing and I can understand why.

    The audio book does span several hours, but it is entirely worth every moment. If you can not afford to buy the audio book, you should consider borrowing it from your local library.

    If you decide to read or have read this book, I would love to hear your thoughts. Whether or not you decide to, I hope that you will consider the ideas that I have shared in this post.

    Thinking about being somewhere else uses up your precious, present moments. Be here now. —Wayne Dyer

30 Comments

  1. Wow, I can definitely relate.

    I often feel very guilty if I’m not perfect or if I don’t act according to my standards of perfection (or the standards that were taught to me when i was little). I also blame myself and the people around me are not happy… I am just starting to work on that, and realizing that no I cannot please everyone, and no perfection does not exist. 

    Your posts are amazing 🙂

    1. Thank you, Olivia.  I am so happy to know that you are working on it, don’t give up.  There is a better way.  xo

  2. Hi Dena, had to leave a comment: I have been working for six months in CBT and what a life-changing business it is! Fantastic post, thank you.

    1. Thanks, Kate!  I am so glad to hear that.  Are you working with a therapist?  Feel free to drop me an email or a Tweet @denabotbyl! xo

  3. Beautiful post Dena, it really touches me and I definitely know what you mean. I’ve tried to change some people for a while but you’re right, if they don’t want to, they won’t change, as simple as that. So I gave up and start taking care of my own, I’m still there for them if they want to, but I’m not running after.

    1. I can tell what an enormous heart that you have.  Yes, be sure to watch after it.  You are the only one who can.  xo

  4. A great post, particularly for this Holiday season when so many people are trying their best to make everything and “everybody” just perfect.

    I would say that I also had a need to make everything work right as a young man and it became apparent to me during my four years of teaching school and coaching football and basketball that it really wasn’t up to me do make everything work. I could help someone, I could show them how to do something in the classroom or on the football field, but, it was up to them to do it and either be successful or fail.

    That was my first realization that all I could do was try to do the right thing every day, live the Golden Rule as best as I could and lend a hand where needed. I can’t change people or the world, I can just make the effort and hope for the best.

    1. Thank you for sharing this, Lou.  It inspires me to hear about your journey and what you had to go through to get where you are today.  I am working hard to get there, too.  Life is a journey, a series of unending lessons.  xo

    1. There were times, while writing this, when I was thinking of you.  One of your relationships in particular reminds me of my own relationship with a particular family member.  I love you so much.  xo

  5. <3 this Dena im a fixer myself always try to fix everything for everyone most of my love life has been with fixer uppers too and i worry like crazy they call my momma dee cause im alsways worring

    1. I know exactly how you feel.  It’s not easy to be a worrier, but if I remind myself often enough, I can take control and keep it from bringing me down.  It is always a struggle though.  <3

  6. “There are the people like me, we make ourselves sick with worry. We internalize all of the pain and blame ourselves for everything.” that gave me chills, hits home.

    I love your blog so much.

  7. I can relate to this completely, and the simple question that your therapist posed to you is … something I wish I had heard earlier. It reminds me of Audre Lorde’s “Stations,” too. 

  8. Well said, Dena. We clearly shared the same wave today: there are two people. And then there’s a third, isn’t there? The hell-bent, and the bent-over-into-hell–and then those who’ve been to hell and back so many times they realize they’re loved because their loved. Everything else is an expression of that love. Participating in someone’s life is like withdrawing $25 from a trust fund of a billion dollars. Well said, Dena. 

  9. I feel like I have wasted a few years of my life being in the same situation as you. I am almost 22 now and really feel enlightened with these ideas. All I can be is a listening ear to people I care about, and let them make their own choices. I have quit giving my opinions as to what they could/would/should do and I just listen and let them make their own choices. What I have learned is that when people bitch to me, they don’t want to be saved from it, they just need to vent. I have learned its not my duty to save them either.

  10. I’m a born fixer, as well. For my own peace of mind, I’ve had to find middle ground. I never blamed myself for my family, but I always felt like if I could help, I had a responsibility to do so. I feel restless and miserble if I don’t at least try when I can see a solution. But once I’ve put that forward, if it goes by the wayside, I’m OK. I feel like I’ve done my best and I can go on living my life. As you say, the marriages will end. The wrong decisions will be made. We cannot save anybody. It doesn’t mean I’ll stop trying, though.

  11. I can really relate to your post and life story. I really admire how you have turned your suffering into something positive! Keep up the good work!

  12. Wow this could have been written by me ( if I had as much insight!) that’s how closely it resembles my own childhood and current path. Thanks for helping me get some much needed awareness this morning! I’m at the beginning of starting the Cognitive Behavioral part and feeling huge resistance. How did you overcome this? It literally HURTS to say the positives about myself.

    1. Hi Tashe and thank you for your comment. Have you read my other posts about CBT. Please keep searching through the archives. There is so much there that may be helpful to you. Also, if it is easier, you can also get all of it neatly in my book: http://evolutionyou.net/book/

      Stay strong!! xoxo

  13. this hit so hard to home..but i needed to read this because i am the exact same way, on a life goal to help others and putting myself last.. i needed this so much. thank you. you seriously inspire me to find a therapist because i honestly have no one to talk to, because i am the one everyone turns to. but i know thats not right and i have to value myself before others..

    1. i am so proud of you for coming to these realizations, love. it is a hard lesson, but so incredibly important. xo

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