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Beautiful like me.

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Something happened when I turned thirty. I started loving myself again.

In the months leading up to Roman’s first birthday, I fell apart. It was a regular self-hate fest around here. I was angry, sad, and mostly — disappointed — in myself because I had not lost all of the “baby weight” by the one-year point. You know how these things happen. Negative thoughts and self-doubt are quiet and scattered at first.

What am I going to wear to Roman’s party? Nothing fits me.

Then they get louder and meaner.

What a slob I am! I can’t believe that Roman was born a year ago and I still don’t fit into any of my pre-pregnancy clothes. How humiliating! Everyone is going to be staring at me, judging me. I have truly failed. I am ugly. I am old. Being a mother has aged me ten years in twelve months. Look at her! She looks amazing. She looks better than she did before baby and it’s only been five months!

And on and on it goes. A terrible runaway train of self-cruelty. It spirals and worsens. And then one day you find yourself in a heap, crying all over your beautiful duvet, at two o’clock on a quiet Tuesday afternoon. Yes, that’s how it happens.

It’s awful and I am still ashamed, but now I am not ashamed at the extra sixteen pounds of fat strewn across various parts of my body, but rather I am ashamed that I ever treated myself so poorly. I am ashamed that I forgot that I am a queen, a warrior, a goddess who accomplished the most incredible feat of womanly magic.

So fucking what if I do not fit into the jeans that I wore before I carried, grew, and pushed my precious child into this world? So fucking what if I never do again?

What matters is being healthy. What matters is being happy. What matters is being the best woman and mother that I am capable of being. The depression that self-doubt put me in, made me anything but healthy or happy. It was all emotional eating, binging, and lethargy. Thankfully, I’ve worked my way out of that dark hole. I fell off track. But I am back, and I am grateful.

I don’t compare myself to anyone else anymore. Because I’m not beautiful like — her or her or her or you — I’m beautiful like me.

M. took the photograph at the top of this post during our family camping trip. At first, I wanted to burn it off the face of the earth. It represents all of the things that I hated — no makeup, puffy face, bags under my eyes, frizzy hair, wrinkles appearing everywhere. But then, when I looked past that frivolous vanity, I saw the joy in that photograph. I saw that my face is not angry or tired or old, but it is relaxed. I was at peace there. That photograph represents one of the happiest, most peaceful memories of the last year of our lives. I embrace it, just as I embrace me, for everything that it is.

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    Are You Oblivious, Aware, or Getting It?

    This is a guest post from my friend, Andy Feld.

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    As I travel and meet new people all over our country, it seems most everyone falls into one of the three areas mentioned in this month’s title. What am I talking about? It’s the societal evolutionary change which is now in progress, although admittedly sometimes imperceptible. It is easy to see that violence rarely leads to anything but more violence. Overt materialism, absent integrity, brings happiness and abundance to very few. Additionally, centuries of male dominated insensitive energy added to a populace unwilling to take responsibility has us at a precarious tipping point.

    So, do you sense what I say is true? Are you oblivious to these changes in the air, or are you ahead of the curve and already taking the steps necessary to not only survive, but thrive in the years to come? Frankly, I am often greeted by individuals with long faces who tell me they will be happy again when things get back to ‘normal’. Normal for many means simply getting back to a life dominated by financial gain and the purchase of new things, but those days may be long gone. Banks are not lending money, our population is increasingly unemployed or aging and dependent, houses are not selling, there seems to be an oversupply of everything and worldwide competition is greater than ever. What if today is the way things will be for the next 20-30 years or longer? What are you going to do to be happy, prosperous, and emotionally abundant?

    Make no mistake, everything is changing and just about everyone is affected. Personally, my income does not approach what I once earned as a corporate CEO, my car is not as new and shiny as it once may have been, and I visit fewer restaurants, but my life has never been more pleasant. Would you agree that now is the time to not only re-evaluate, but also re-create our lives? If so, you are GETTING IT loud and clear, but if not, let’s look into what we can do about it.

    1. We are all One, connected with a common thread of spirit. When I say WE, I mean ALL humans, animals, plant life, earth, and stars. We all are of the same source energy, and understanding and respecting this Oneness is a key to thriving in our new age. Allowing all else to be, with love and respect, and without judgment of unique individual differences will open our portals to Universal Light. One cannot mistreat another human, the earth, our vegetation, and the animals without also mistreating oneself. We are all connected and what we put forth to others is what will always come back to us.

    2. Listen to our heart, our Inner Radar as I call it in my books, without the fear of judgment from others. We are all unique and different, and learning to reach within and hear that guidance we all individually brought forth to this lifetime allows us to grow and prosper in alignment with our life’s purpose. There is no better way to accomplish this than a regular practice of meditation and contemplation.

    3. Understanding the process for manifesting our life’s dreams. It takes quite a bit of practice and self-discipline, and you may be getting tired of hearing me speak about it, but we are the product of our thoughts, emotions, words, and actions. Very little we desire will manifest without the alignment of these four elements. Believe in this, practice and have faith and you will embrace your life like never before.

    4. Learn to appreciate all that you have. From hot running water, to clothes in your closet, and food in the refrigerator, most of us have so much to be thankful for yet rarely acknowledge. The beauty of nature, our relationships, our health and the list should go on and on. Write it down and truly rejoice in how many ways you are blessed.

    5. Diligently work on balancing your male and female attributes. We are all a combination of both masculine and feminine, and the more we keep these two in balance the more we vibrate with the earth.

    Yes, everything is changing. First, become aware and then jump on board, but it will always be the choice of the individual. No one, other than you is responsible for your rescue.

    Whether it is a business, an organization, or individual, the time for changing the status quo in right now. How to go about it in this new environment is what I speak about and teach. I would love the opportunity to work with you or your group.

    With much love and appreciation,
    Andy

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    Andy lives in Morrison, Colorado outside Denver. He travels the country as a frequent speaker on life inspiration and business sales. He is also a regular guest on radio programs across the United States and on local TV.

    You can read more about Andy at his website, Simple Happy, and you can find his books on Amazon at the following links.

20 Comments

  1. You are lovely. I struggled with weight gain when my kids hit 1 year. I started gaining, gaining, gaining because I stopped nursing and kept eating like I was nursing. It wasn’t until my youngest was 2.5 that I changed my eating and exercise habits consistently enough to start losing. I felt exactly the way that you are describing. I was mad that I was heavier 18 months after my kids were born than I was 9 months after they were born. It wasn’t supposed to be that way!! I’ve finally lost the weight and feel so much better. I was never able to feel content with myself being bigger than I wanted to be, so I applaud you!!! You will get there…if you want to…and if you don’t want to or don’t get there as soon as you want, that’s okay too.

    Reply

    1. Thanks, Candice. I definitely want to lose it.. haha. But not because I hate it or myself, simply because I do not feel my best. I forgot to mention in the post but I am still nursing 3-4 times a day, so… I have to cut myself some slack. It will all unfold exactly as it is meant to. <3

      Thanks so much for sharing your journey, too.

      Reply

  2. Thank you for writing this, and your honesty here! We are so quick to shred ourselves and forget all of our accomplishments as women and mothers in the face of just one or two things we don’t feel we’re up to par on. It’s damaging, unfair, and so easy to do. Thank you for this reminder!

    You’re gorgeous inside and out, as well as incredibly talented! XOXO

    Reply

  3. The first thing I thought when I saw that photo was “Wow! She looks absolutely GORGEOUS in this photo!” Seriously, I’m not just saying that to make you feel better. Funny how other people see the beauty we sometimes cannot see in ourselves. And yes, so fucking what if you cannot fit into those jeans! At 30 and after having a baby most of us women just have to accept that our bodies are different now and that that is totally ok. We are still beautiful and strong! I remember after I had Logan, I went to get some new clothes, going into a changing room and crying my eyes out. I think dealing with our new bodies after having a baby is the hardest part. My baby is 13 and I still have a mommy tummy if it makes you feel any better! You are beautiful! Love you girl!

    Reply

  5. Wow, this post. It’s like I wrote it myself. I still have all those feelings about myself. I’m so embarrassed by my size and how I look and I feel like everyone is judging me and saying “ew” everywhere I go. But the thing is, I’ve never judged one other mother before. When I see they’ve gained weight I just assume it’s from child birth and think it’s totally normal and OKAY and great and they should be proud of their stretch marks and saggy boobs because it all helped create their child… but I don’t hold myself to those same standards. All I have is self hate. I’m glad you’ve gotten passed that because you are beautiful and a great mother and that is what matters. Maybe more women writing posts like this will encourage me to heal myself too.

    Reply

    1. Thanks so much for reminding me that I am not alone, Tina. And you’re absolutely right, so much of our insecurity is in our own heads and not coming from other people. I hope that you begin to love yourself the way that you deserve to be loved! <3

      Reply

  6. Beautiful and well written post. When I turned 30, I actually felt liberated and more confident with myself than ever. Kudos to you for recognizing the beauty you possess not only on the outside, but within as well. I have always admired your beauty and drive you have for life. Keep up the excellent work !!!

    Reply

    1. Thanks so much, Laura. It’s amazing. Now that I am past the insecurity I feel incredibly liberated and more confident than ever, too. Thirty is beautiful!!

      Reply

  7. Dena, I feel like most women feel this way after having children, I know I sure did. It took me almost a year to lose it, lol just to gain it again due to baby #2. And yet again I see myself going thru the same pattern of self hatred and mean down right mean to myself. I hear myself calling myself fat, gross, etc. My maternity clothes are too big, yet my pre-pregnancy clothes are small fitting me way to tight. Trying on those clothes makes me feel ten times worse afterwards. I try to remind myself of the blessing I have been given. What amazing things my body has done and be kinder to myself. I will eventually lose the weight (hopefully fingers crossed). But I need to love myself better, ron and my children love me for how I am, so why can’t i. Realizing your not your youthful self also adds insult to injury but I remind myself that I’d rather be the person I have been shaped into today than the version of me from 10 yeas ago. Your brutal honesty is comforting, reminding me I am not alone on this journey even tho I feel that way. Thank you for sharing.

    Reply

    1. Thank you, Liz. You are such an inspiration. The way you pushed through those mommy and me classes when you were preggo totally amazed me. I’m so lucky to have women like you around to support and encourage me! <3

      Reply

  8. This is such a brave share, Dena, and I think you’ll find the more you voice those painful truths, the more people there are who feel exactly. like. you do. Sending love to you, you beautiful warrior, you! xo

    Reply

  9. You are beautiful, Dena! And a fantastic mama to your precious little boy!! I am so happy you found peace, all women struggle with doubt. I too look at my developing wrinkles and cringe, how did we get to thirty already?! 😉 xo

    Reply

    1. Seriously, Julie, it seems like just yesterday when we were barely into our twenties. It foes so fast.

      Thank you! xo

      Reply

  10. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I relate to this post. I felt this way before Jack’s first birthday, and again now just before his second birthday. I need to start loving me more… I mean really, how much do those last 10 pounds matter? I gained the love of my life out of it! 🙂

    Reply

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